i am acting out of fear. i am afraid of another bomb. i just want to protect myself. i don't want to be making any crazy posts like i did in the past.
Quote:
You don't want change. You just want proof that you were right.
i honestly don't even know if i've db-ed properly. i've GAL-ed, i'm semi-dark (other than squash, there is no contact).
i've been trying to read some posts to see if there is anything else i can do. but i feel like i'm already on d's doorstep.
everybody else is still interacting with their WAS or still living with their WAS. most advice being given are to LBHs and how they can win their w's back. and all of the LBWs are losing their h's.
there isn't any useful advice that even inspires me.
i don't bother thinking whether my h is watching me or not. i don't concern myself with that.
i am still promising to keep my post to you about me and what i am doing.
spent the weekend looking for appliances. i know women love shopping but i love shopping for kitchen appliances. don't worry. i won't go crazy buying top of the line stuff. i have a budget and will work within that.
i also switched up my exercise routine today. instead of going to squash tonight, i did a stairs workout. i was feeling self conscious about my lower body so i took my ipod, started on the 2nd floor of the building, two steps at a time, i walked up to the 18th floor. i took the stairs back down to the 2nd floor, and repeated. i came home and did some push ups and tricep dips.
i also had time to think about what i wanted to do for professional improvement. maybe join something like toastmasters.
and the last thing i thought about in recent weeks .. coloring my hair. nothing crazy but maybe a tinge of plum or chestnut brown. i am not sure if i will do this because i've never done it myself before. i am afraid it will wreck my hair and i'll end up with green hair. what's also holding me back is the fact that i am putting myself on a strict budget now. buy only what you need. nice to haves are not a priority.
i am acting out of fear. i am afraid of another bomb. i just want to protect myself. i don't want to be making any crazy posts like i did in the past.
What if you made your decision out of strength, rather than fear?
What if you KNEW that even though it might hurt, you could handle him filing?
I don't know exactly where that might mean you should go with it, but the thing I see, is that you are just now, gaining perspective on your own behavior and its contribution to the problems in your marriage.
but the thing I see, is that you are just now, gaining perspective on your own behavior and its contribution to the problems in your marriage.
You need to become aware of your mind reading and why you do it. Once you recognize it starting you can then apply a solution. You can't change the past but you can improve the now and your future.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
You need to become aware of your mind reading and why you do it. Once you recognize it starting you can then apply a solution. You can't change the past but you can improve the now and your future.
the mind reading is something i've trained myself to do very early in life. i never liked to be blindsided so i have to think of all the possibilities ahead of time. this is why i mind read. i think you are thinking this .. so i will prepare myself this way. i don't like surprises. i don't handle surprises well. to me, when i get hit by a surprise, it means i didn't think of all possibilities and it is like failure to me.
even in the line of work that i do, i have to think about all the possible things a person can do and i have to take into account those paths. that's how you code to make sure all bases are covered.
i don't like stuff falling through the cracks. i try to be a perfectionist at what i do. i hold myself to that high standard and one of the things i'm best known for is coming up with the possibilities that the other guy didn't think about.
but in this case, i have no idea what to expect or what to do. so i don't know what the solution is. i don't know what is coming or going.
i just know that i don't have a good track record when it comes to this sitch. so i want to turn it around and just end it.
yes, it is out of fear. and i don't think i can handle it. i don't have faith in myself. i am predicting a downhill slide and i vowed at the very beginning that i didn't want to save myself from the grip of depression. that wasn't my goal.
i feel that all i have been doing was to do just that - save myself. when i believe that this is happening, i try to stop the db-ing .. "no, this isn't what i wanted." and then i resist.
What if you made your decision out of strength, rather than fear?
i don't believe i can do it out of strength. it has shown in the past. even during a mentality stable state, i can get thrown off very easily.
Quote:
What if you KNEW that even though it might hurt, you could handle him filing?
i don't have faith in myself right now. if i go on one more crazy tirade here, i may lose coach and forrest. cuz at some point, they will have had enough of this jekyll and hyde split personality thing that even they will walk away. (sigh .. you see that? mind reading.)
Quote:
I don't know exactly where that might mean you should go with it, but the thing I see, is that you are just now, gaining perspective on your own behavior and its contribution to the problems in your marriage.
i always knew that stuff about my mil. i let a lot of things slide during our m. i would make mild complaints but never anything serious that would result in a fight. but at the same time, i also did a lot for my ILs. i put a lot of thought, time, and consideration towards them as well because i cared about them too. i would make elaborate mother's day gifts for my mil to make her mother's day special. i didn't do it because i had to. i used my creativity and mind-reading skills to come up with something i thought she would like. and i think she liked it. she would tell my h that she loved the ideas i came up with and it was like surprise after another. i put thought into things when i knew they were visiting. whatever they needed, i would make sure we had in the house. i have a pretty good memory so i'll take notice of what jams they liked on their toast, or what their daily routines were like. i felt i made a serious effort and it went unnoticed. i never got an 'i appreciate what you did to prepare the house for my parents' visit.' i got neglected and was invisible when they were here at christmas. oh but when my h was tired of his mom's nagging, then he'd tell me to go keep her company so she wouldn't bother him.
our focus would be put on my ILs and we neglected our m. problems were put off or held inside. we started to live like roommates during the last year. i don't remember feeling like a loved/appreciated wife.
i can't make my h love me. i can be the best me i can be and things won't change. i promised forrest that i would do what he told me to do. focus on me.
i am doing that and moving on as if he will not be part of my life.
i just don't want any more disruptions or surprises. if he's seeing someone or is in love with someone else, then just say so. at this point, if our relationship isn't salvageable then just say it. he's afraid i'll get vindictive and greedy if i found out. whatever.
filing will ensure i don't get surprised. sometimes i think db-ing is to prevent me from going 'jekyll and hyde' when the papers are filed. call it resisting if you want but i know i'll go crazy when i get served anyway.
You need to become aware of your mind reading and why you do it. Once you recognize it starting you can then apply a solution.
the mind reading is something i've trained myself to do very early in life. i never liked to be blindsided so i have to think of all the possibilities ahead of time. this is why i mind read. i think you are thinking this .. so i will prepare myself this way. [snip]
i am predicting a downhill slide . . .
Originally Posted By: DumpedforMIL
Originally Posted By: greek
What if she was bringing those childhood Christmas items to your home to share that part of his life with you? Your mind reading went to the destructive end of the spectrum when you assigned her motive. She may have indeed been reaching out. However - neither of us knows that - only she does.
yes, that is entirely possible. and my mind reading leaned heavily on the negative side. i don't think i ever gave her the benefit of the doubt.
Do you see that you aren't thinking of ALL of the possibilities, that you assume and predict the worst?
Do you see that you aren't thinking of ALL of the possibilities, that you assume and predict the worst?
Catastrophizing
It's a defense/coping mechanism. You assume the worst so that you don't have to potentially hear it from the source.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Do you see that you aren't thinking of ALL of the possibilities, that you assume and predict the worst?
you know why? having things work out is just 1 possibility. we are obviously not there, otherwise i wouldn't be separated right now. so this possibility is really just words on a piece of paper. it's there for show.
it's like greek's suggestion of a T chart. the positives - that things will work out. (one item) the negatives - there could be 10 pages of negative things that can happen.
this is why i look at my sitch and go .. you know, there's only a 0.01% chance that this will work. it's so small, you can't find that line of hope with a magnifying glass.
forrest says i am looking to be right. looking for an out. i'm looking for everything in the 99.99% that things won't work out side. i'm looking for the OW or evidence of an A. i'll look for signs of MLC and say they are so deep in a fog that you might as well move on. he ain't coming back. i'll analyse his reaction and lean towards the negative. i won't notice the positive reactions but i'll focus solely on the bad. i'm going with what i know because i don't know any better and i'm choosing the 99.99% over the 0.01%.
it's really odd coming from me who was asking for help to save my m at the very beginning. i love my h. i can't make him love me. i want him. i don't need him. i don't want what we used to have. i want something better.
yes, i made discoveries of myself and my contribution to the breakdown of our m. but so what? if this m is going to end in d, how is discovering my issues going to help me? for my next r? no. i've said it time and time again. i wouldn't. all this stuff that i've learned about myself, i wouldn't take it into the next r. it's not something i need. i don't believe my future r with a different person would last anyway.
It's a defense/coping mechanism. You assume the worst so that you don't have to potentially hear it from the source.
and yet it's still not enough to give me strength to deal with the bomb droppings.
sigh. i suck at this.
That's because it doesn't work.
What would give you the strength to handle being served D papers?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
