Wife isn't sure about marriage...

[someguy1233]

Update-

Update-
I spoke to her calmly, but firm. I gave a brief speach based on the tips provided in this thread. I didn't let her talk and told her she needed to listen to me. Below is a brief overview of the discussion that took place after I said what I came to say...

I told her that I know she's having an affair with OM and that he needs to go away. She admitted there are feelings there and appologized. She said she confided in him about our problems and "oops" it happened.

I did tell her I'd give her space if she completely ended it with him and agreed to see a therapist for herself. She said that her decision about whether or not she wants to be married has little or nothing to do with OM.

I told her again to see a therapist for herself (she asked for therapist info and was given it yesterday). She got angry and said I don't get to make that decision and that I'm not the boss of her making that decision. She repeated that she wants time to herself. Time with out OM and time with out me. She wants to be at home alone. She said that if she decides to remain married, she will talk to a FT because we will have repair work to do.

I let her talk, but basically kept repeating that she needed to end things with him.

I told her that I do have a decision on where I live. I do have a decision on where I lay my head at night. She challenged the statement and started to grasp my point- she couldn't believe that I was telling her that I wouldn't leave the house unless she agreed to end it with him and see a therapist. She said I was holding her house hostage (she lived their prior to us getting married.) She angrily told me that I have plenty of places I can go and people that support me. She said she can't go to her parents because they aren't supportive and are angry at her. Then she errupted and told me to pack my stuff and that she's done.

I let her walk away, and only a minute later she came back much more calm and crying, stating I can't do this. She said she doesn't think I want her to make a decision right now and that I'm pushing her up against a wall.

I told her to end it. I told her one week isn't enough time to make this type of decision. She said it is enough time for her to decide if this relationship can be salvaged.

She told me she wouldn't get married again. That if she could take back saying, "yes" to the proposal, she would.

She couldn't believe that I would sit and plot "how I can stick it to her." I responded by reminding her she's having an affair. She sarcastically said, "so now you get to tell me what to do because I made a mistake and got to close to somebody?"


She denied more (surprise...). She made a comment about me not knowing anything and that I think I'm "so sneaky." She said I have no idea what they talk about and that there's nothing to get.

Told her to tell him it's done. Not that she won't be talking to him for a week. She said she can manage her own conversations and there's nothing to end because nothing has begun. I told her not to lie to me.

She said the fact that she's married really matters to him. I didn't allow her to continue down the road of talking about him.

She kept asking for me to give her space.

She said she hasn't disrespected me to anyone.. She said that she tells people I'm working when she's around our usual hang outs and people ask where I am. I told her that she's disrespecting me to my face. She said she's disrespected me in her heart. I wonder if she's telling me she hasn't talked bad about me because she's worried that I may talk bad about her? She tell me to not go around telling people that she didn't try. She said she tried for years [years were pre-marriage], but not this time.

I repeated again, tell him it's done. She made a sarcastic comment about forcing her. I walked out the door with out saying a word. (earlier I had told her I was leaving, but would be back later. She told me not to expect her to be there...)

side note- She honestly seems very frustrated that I'm calling the shots. It actually brought to light another problem that we have in our relationship... looking back, I now remember times that she mentioned that she never feels like she has a say in anything and that I have full control. That'd be something to address if we make it through this..

Do I leave the house? Do I go tell her parents? Do I got chat with him... I have absolute confirmation of an EA and even used the word affair to her face and she didn't even flinch.

I want to go home and go to bed. I have no idea if she's there and would prefer that she not be. I don't want to go back and discuss this further tonight.