New here, not sure where to start

[job]

Thanks Grace!

It is the very first link and Heartsblessing has provided a nice description for each of the 6 stages. Replay is #3.

[Grace_O]

My H is out on at least a couple of these and I understand his status is "single". And no, it doesn't matter.

I got the usual stuff about ILYBINILWY, I want to fall in love again, I can't show D's how to be happy if I'm not, etc.

The good in focusing on yourself is that you become the woman you forgot you are. You find the strenght and courage to deal with whatever comes your way. You have a life to be valued, do that.

Did you ever see the movie "The Wedding Date"? There's a great line in there about forgetting the past and the pain and remembering what an incredible woman you are. If you haven't seen it, look it up. What he says is spot on.

The private message thing hasn't worked since I've been on this bb. You need to find people through FB.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1539436

Try this.

That worked -- THANK YOU!

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Thanks Grace!

It is the very first link and Heartsblessing has provided a nice description for each of the 6 stages. Replay is #3.

Yep -- just read it. Thanks!!

Puppy

[ltaylor]

I have been listening to what you guys are saying. The thing I don't understand is how can I GAL and all that stuff you are recommending if I need to move from this house, town...

wouldn't it be counterproductive to spend all that time doing those things here if I plan to move many hours away to be around my family when the D happens?

And I know what you're going to say..maybe the D won't happen. I don't want it to happen but I also don't see how we can live together when he is searching for someone else and all the other stuff he's doing, with me waiting for the other shoe to drop. Even if I got a job, got friends, let him do his thing..all that stuff..when he finds what he's looking for, I will be stuck scrambling around trying to find a job and place to live in the town where I want to move, and the other things I keep harping about. What am I not understanding about what you are all telling me?

If I change the financial process we have set up it will alert him to the fact that I'm setting things up to do something and I'm afraid it will set up a sh$$storm. The atty, the C..those things I can do. But I feel stuck with the other stuff.

How do I look DB people up in Facebook?

[job]

Unless you are going to file, I would continue to live just as I have been living. He may be just thinking out loud and let me advise you of this...there are some that never leave home while in crisis. He may be one of them...so, my question to you is this....have you thought about that one? There is no set rules here that they will run away. Some do, some don't. We don't know which category your h is in, but I suspect he's talking out loud and maybe to get a reaction out of you. This is going to be tough, but validate his feelings. This not the time to defend yourself or talk about the ow.

What you are not understanding is that you are not living in today. You are trying to force the crystal ball to reveal to you what might or might not happen in the future. With this crisis, you cannot make plans for the future, learn to take one step at a time, one day at a time w/no expectations from him. You now have to learn to accept him for who he is today, not who he was pre-mlc. If you can't do that....well....you will need to sit down and figure out what you want to do. If you do not want a divorce, then sit quietly and patiently for a while, but do go to a lawyer to see what your options will be if, and I mean if, your h files. Of course, you can always file if you don't think you can deal w/this for the long term, but it will definitely be long term w/loads of bumps in the road. Whatever you learn from the lawyer, keep to yourself...do not reveal your information to your h.

Do something this evening for YOU!

As for Facebook, someone will come along and tell you what you need to look for.

[Grace_O]

You can create a Facebook account and then search "Divorce Busting". You can search aolt of us by our screen names here. Then do a "friend request".

[ltaylor]

It's 2 a.m. and I can't sleep. I guess I should give in and take a sleeping pill AGAIN so that I can fall asleep.

I've been reading and reading..so many stories and many worse than mine. I am going to pray for all of us tonight. I guess i should be glad we don't have young children that have to deal with this too. His family has no idea of what he is going thru. The MCLers do a good job of faking it around friends and family.

Some of these folks have been going thru this with their spouses for several years. Some have not been intimate for years. Years!! I just don't know if I can handle that. Man, life is short. And then to imagine that it might not even work out after going thru all this..I just don't know if i want to do it.

It was bad enough when I thought he had had the A because he "fell in love with HER". But now to find out that he is seeking out other women on dating websites. He travels 2-4 days a week for work, and tells me that he isn't screwing women when he's on the road and that he's not like other cheaters because the one time he did have an A, it was because he developed feelings for this OW. He's such a lier. I would be willing to bet he has had numerous one night stands and maybe has a woman in every town he goes to. That's probably why he didn't want me to see his phone..because all those women are calling him.

I'll do what you guys suggest for awhile and see what happens. I was pleasant today, but I think he knew something was wrong..he was very nice and talkative to me. I laughed and joked around and made supper, etc. But I think I'm going to stop doing his laundry, stop making meals, stop going places with him on weekends..just stop. I'll start going to my kids' many hours away, get a job, take some classes, read, spend time outside gardening when he's home, stop talking about the R, stop flirting with him, just stay away as much as possible. I really just want to move out and get away from him. He makes me sick to my stomach.

[ltaylor]

Snodderly, he did leave. And then he came back and then he left again..and came back after Easter. It's going on 3 months now since he's been back and things are somewhat better than they have been since all this started, but I didn't know he was seeking out other women besides the original A person. Why am i so shocked..he has told me many times that he wants more kids. He'll get one pg or get a disease.

I'm going to continue packing and take care of some financial/legal stuff so I can have some peace of mind.

I just can't believe how many people are going thru this.

I can see the depression part of it, but my H would never take drugs for it..so not sure how that will ever end.

[ericmsant2]

ITay -

I am so sorry I did not respond sooner. I had daddy duties and such. Look hone' let me be honest with you - you are freaking the f out and it is normal. Actually quite normal. It really is. This sh*t is not for the faint of heart - nope. You feel helpless, you feel like you are sitting on the handle bars of a bike with someone else driving and you are flying down a hill – no control at all. It sucks and it is scary. Please do me a favor before you read the rest of this post….

close your eyes for a few seconds and just say to yourself – “I will make it – this too shall pass”. Cause sweetie it will. It really will.

So, as hard as it is stop thinking about the OP. You really need to stop. I know your gonna obsess but the faster you ACCEPT that your H is off on his own planet the better off you will be. Nothing…and I mean nothing you do right now will change his mind. What you do right now though…could push him further away. Let me tell you this….I did what you are doing to my W, and made it so much worse.

I soooo want to give you the fighting chance to save your M – but ya gotta listen – okay?

I have a couple of things that I want to say to you but before I do the quote below bothered me a bit. Sorry it did.

I told my kids and they have told the other family members.

Why the hell would you tell the kids? They have no role in this? Really IMO keep’em out of it. Just wondering..why did you tell them to begin with? Were you trying to manipulate him? Trying to get some sort of a response from him? I can tell you now - It ain’t gonna work. Nope..I tried and know several people who have – it does not work. Oh…and telling the parents doesn’t work either. I told my FIL (my W is so daddy’s little girl) and when he told her that she was making a mistake…well my W told her dad to mind his “f’in business”.

FTR - I respect Puppy a lot – I do. IMO – exposing or busting the A does not work. Just my opinion though and I am not a trained professional – just an average guy so what the hell do I know. I’m sure many on these boards can debate the stats behind both approaches – either way it is a personal decision that one must make. Either way you “exposed” the A – what did it get you? Nada – nothing. Matter of fact I think you feel worse because it did not yield the desired result. It never will when someone is “lost”.

Okay back to where you are right now….You know your obsessing, which is a good thing. Let me show you something here…

Here is your obsession….You said …

to see her every weekend and screw her brains out without making things worse with me.

So he probably is having an EA with her now.

I really just want it to go away..I want her to go away..she is a skanky ugly dykey bit$$.

And he had the nerve to tell me she was alot like me..not a chance. i would never go after a married man and break up a family like that.

And here is why YOU are obsessing…(in your own words)

I looked and felt frumpy and my self esteem took a hit because of it.

I became dependent, shut myself in like a hermit, clung to him like a wet rag when he came home and lost myself

I became more of a best friend than a wife

I analyze things to death and while I'm willing to listen to others, I usually always think my way is best and try to show them why it is.

So hopefully you can see what is driving your obsession. It is really how YOU feel about yourself more than it is about the OP. Can you see it? Yeah, it is easy to blame the OP. It is quite easy. What It really is; is a way to get out of facing the issues that you really need to face, which is…….If you feel better about YOURSELF…well then she would not matter!

Now, were all going to tell you to work on yourself – why? Cause that my friend you can control. You can control how YOU feel. You cannot control your H. Working on yourself will make YOU feel better – you can’t see that right now because you obsessing and focused on your H.

Oh…by the way…if you begin to look at yourself and focus on you….you will initially fight doing what we refer to as the “work”. Yep…you will…why will you (see below)?

Because well….you’re a thinker. Your smart. You think that you can some how manipulate the situation. Control it. Here is the advice that you received so far on trying to reason or out “think” him.

From Jack - you'll try to outlogic a crazy person. You can OUT-CRAZY them...but not out-think them...in MLC...you have a CHANCE to outlast them.

From Snodderly - When someone is acting out in an emotional state, you can't reason w/them.

From Snooderly - you cannot out think them, manipulate or control them.

Now, let me ask you a question. Do you really think that you can somehow figure him out? I think your smarter than that and I think you know the answer. Actually, I think you know deep down inside that you can’t. So what is it then….

IMO what you are struggling with is FEAR Tay. Yep..straight up FEAR. So call it what it is…accept it…embrace the fear and then ITay…take the biggest f*cking step of your life and LET IT GO. Why? Because ITay, you nor I, nor anyone on these boards can MAKE SOMEONE DO WHAT WE WANT THEM TO DO. No one here can.

Think about the fear for a second…
- Do you FEEL like you have no control?
- Do you FEEL like you will not make it?
- Do you FEEL like you will be alone?
- Do you FEEL so insecure that what you have right now (in terms of you H) you can never have again?
- Do you FEEL like no one else will love you?
- Do you FEEL like you will be unable to take care of your kids?
- Do you FEEL like know one will find you sexy again?
- Do you FEEL like you are afraid of being angry?

What I can tell you ITay, is that all of these “FEELINGS” of fear – will go away. They will. You know what is really cool? And I do understand that you may not see it yet. What’s really cool is that YOU and ONLY YOU decide when you no longer have these fears and feelings. Yep..only you. So believe it or not you are in control.


ITay – you love your H. This much I know. It’s so clear in your posts. Think about love for a second. What is Love? Let’s take a biblical approach.

Love is kind
Love is patient
Love is understanding
Love seek the best in everyone
Love is never boastful
Love is slow to anger
Love is compassionate

And my favorite (although it is the one that no one really likes)….LOVE IS LONG SUFFERING.

Look Tay – relax, breath, focus on you for a few days. Go do something that you enjoy. Get your feet under you. Then…make a commitment to yourself to BE THE WOMEN THAT YOU WANT TO BE. The one that, if you were a man, YOU would want to be with. Go be that person and let your H figure his own shi*t out.

God Bless,
Eric