Here's a question that's been going through my head while working on the script. (sure am getting hungry... when's dinner? LOL. Glad I'm almost smiling for a minute today.)
My FT advised not to out her to family and friends. She said it'd be incredibly embarassing and that it's something that should be kept between the two of us. She said it would make such a rift in our "relationship" that it'd be very difficult to recover from. Is my FT nuts? Or does she have a valid point?
Definitely good to smile!!!
As for the FT... What is her stance on treating infidelity? If she's more of the softball approach type, she may not be the best in helping you deal with this. (Not if you intend to play hardball!) Allen can be more help here, but not all FT are the same or have the same philosophy on treating affairs. As Allen says, the hardball ones know it is an addiction. What does she suggest you do instead?
She advised that I talk just to W about it and explain how it makes me feel.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
Right... That always stops the drug addicts, alcoholics, and compulsive gamblers in their tracks... When you tell them how you feel they drop their addiction and run for the nearest rehab center when you do that.
Note the sarcasm above.
My bet is your family therapist is a psychology major rather than a social worker... And that she has next to no experience dealing with infidelity or has done no research on teh subject...
I can quote you names of texts, authors, and statistics on this subject if you want to... But you will be putting your marriage in the hands of that FT or the real world experience of these forum members who have ALL dealt with infideilty in one form or another.. the UGLY parts of it, not just the beginning phone calls to three am but the UGLY sexual parts too...
It's your marriage, but I wouldn't roll teh dice with the advice she's given you.. just ask anyoen on this forum and tehy will tell you that FT is a fool and just taking your money.
What's the best way to go about finding a FT who's views are inline with my own, or what you are describing?
The more I read and research, the closer I am to getting ready to playing hardball.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
SG, you may think of interventions and that in interventions each family mebmer tells the addict how they "feel" aobut the destructive behaviour.
A few points :
1. ALL the family is brought in teh loop, the addictions i NOT kept a secret for the intervention 2. The family members are also instructed by the intervention lead to REFUSE to support the addict from this point onward unless they choose to end the behaviour and attend therapy for a reasonable period of time.
It is a FAMILY intervention, not a one-on-one, and it DOES have TEETH to back it up by refusing to enable the addiction further...
If you just want to meet her in secret, tell her how you feel, and NOT offer any consequences there is NO INCENTIVE for her to stop... She is prepared to DECIDE about YOUR MARRIAGE without input on how YOU FEEL about it already...
You think telling her how you FEEL aobut her affair is going to stop it?
Best of luck... Honeslty, I wish you the best, but the cards are stacked against you...
YOu need to find a social worker instaed of a shrink for starters.. One who understands the complexities of how difficult marriage can be and the destructive escapes people use to avoid dealing with a marriage falling off the tracks...
Most FT will give you a brief write up of their focus and education...
My advice is to meet with them for a 15 min consult and YOU INTERVIEW them for the JOB... That's what you are doing is HIRING them to WORK for you... You have a right to know if they are QUALIFIED
Most GOOD FT' will meet iwth you for 15 mins and no charge you for it... or at least answer a few qustiosn on the phone about how they deal with infidelity
If the FT won't give you any background info withotu a full paid session find a new FT becuase they are there to take your money and not there to help your marriage
WE are here every day for FREE... THe LEAST a professional can do is the same
And you all are already much more helpful than the therapist...
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
Note : Your wife my call you on the hardball and just say "OK, I want a divorce now then..."
Just say "I am sorry you feel that way, you can pack your things now, I will have the rest sent over"...
If she says she has nowhere to go :
"You should have thought of that before you started cheating on me... I offered to work with you, but you seem to think cheating is more constructive... So, bye bye"
"I won't be filing for the divorce, I didn't want one... And I didn't agree to an open marriage in this home when we moved in... And I don't agree to one now... Pack your things or I will pack them for you"
SOmething like that... You want to catch her off guard... SHe's probably expecting you to beg her to work on the marriage...
Call her bluff and start packing her things... Don't stay in the convo... Just find some boxes and start packing...
I am hoping you are a poker player SG, becuase that is what's going on here... She has called the hand and tonight you will be RAISING her and she is not likely expecting that...
DO NOT threten divorce, that's NOT the adult way to do this... always try to be the adult here to set an example...
You show her you mean business, even if you are scared shitless..
She may put on a brave show and issue threats or ultimatums.. you go back to the script
"Running around behind my back instead of seeing a proper professional family therapist with me isn't constructive... He's meddling and interfering... No marriage can survive that kind of violation in secret or be repaired under those circumstances..."
"He goes right now, or you do... I won't file for D on you, but I won't allow disrespect like this in our home... I won't ask you to tolerate something like that, and I expect the same maturity from you..."
"Bye for now"
ANd you get OUT of the convo... Go make some phone calls and wait for her to pack... If she doens't start you start for her...
