Does DB'ing work if OW is playing the victim?!?!

[newmama]

Xin you can change your mind about moving out! It seems like it is a hardship/obstacle for you....he is the one who wants the separation, not you!

Plenty of people DB while living in the same house, although it is tough. One advantage is that the spouse sees you coming and going and sees your changes. But the disadvantage is that you see your spouse "in luv" with the OW. I couldn't take that torture so I made him leave. BUt by him visiting S at the house, he got to see my changes.

[Vulcanized]

RNM,

I'm tempted to say that to H, but i'm not sure if i can do that to him as i know it's going to be hard for him to find another place and i don't see the point of hanging around. It has been more than 6 mhts since I found out about his A and i've done everything i can to try and change his mind, from crying and begging to GAL and not pursuing, but it hasn't changed a thing. What would continuing to hang in here achieve?

Hi Xin,

Saying much of anything to H while H is having A is pretty much an exercise in futility. However, f*&k him, w/him having a hard time finding living arrangements. H wasn't all that concerned about you when he started banging OW. You don't owe H anything now. All bets were off the table when he started A.

I'm not trying to be overly harsh w/you, I'm just giving you my insight from where I am, a little further down the road than where you currently are. I did the same thing w/my H, and so far, it hasn't really gotten me too far.

If you feel that moving is your best option, then by all means, move. This was my deciding factor to move, as opposed to making my H move. In some ways, I wish I had sucked it up & stayed and made H move. Hindsight is 20/20 and all that jazz.

At this point, you have to make decisions based on what is best for you. If and when you R w/H, then, and only then, does H become a factor in your decision making process.

[kara]

My policy is that the one who is having the affair should be the one to move. Unless, of course, it is in your best interests to move. It is really hard to live in the same house with a WAS and if it comes to a point where it is too much, I say let THEM hit the road. It is hard for you to deal with an A. Let him deal with some hardship now. He needs to. Finding an apartment pales in comparison with what you are dealing with.

[xin]

any advice on my last post would be appreciated.

[LSG]

Xin,

From my understanding GALing is for you, not your H. I do not believe that moving out is related to GALing in my opinion.

I chose not to move out for own reasons, mostly for the kids. I am glad I did not.

It is your decision to move or not. I think you need to have someone explain GAL to you, so you have no misunderstandings.

It does stand for Get A Life, and that can be done without moving out to me.

[newmama]

ok moving out definitely sends the message that you want to move on. Is that your goal? To send him that message? If so, guess you might want to move out!

[xin]

More advice needed.

H was restless all night, tossing and turning. Early this morning, I overheard H and OW talking on the phone this morning. H was crying and asking why OW has stopped contact with him. I couldn't believe it! Is there now a chance for our M? WHat should I do while H is mourning the end of the A? Should i show him more love and concern? or continue to GAL?

[robx]

More advice needed.

H was restless all night, tossing and turning. Early this morning, I overheard H and OW talking on the phone this morning. H was crying and asking why OW has stopped contact with him. I couldn't believe it! Is there now a chance for our M? WHat should I do while H is mourning the end of the A? Should i show him more love and concern? or continue to GAL?

I haven't been following your situation from the beginning but just reading this part made me want to chime in for a bit.

Observe the dynamic that's currently in progress.

The "OW" has stopped contacting him.
She was interested in him at one point,
she was pursuing him but now..... not anymore.
What happened to him as a result?
He contacts her asking why?
He's feeling rejected, as a result he is pursuing her.

That is good information, gives you insight into your own situation.

He wants what he can't have.
He can have you anytime, he probably knows that.
What happens when you call it quits on him?
I bet you I can figure out that answer, the question is are you willing to implement the solution that produces these results?

;-)

[xin]

The OW is married and as far as I know has not made any plan to leave her H. I think she has now decided she can't continue this A anymore.

I don't think I'd call it quit on my H now since it's my wish for us to reconcile. I've stopped pursuing him and have appeared to agree with our impending separation. I've initiated very little conversation with him in the last 3 weeks. I'd probably continue as is, allowing him to finish with his mourning and hope he'll wake up to himself after that.

[xin]

I don't think my sitch can be compared to my H's A with OW. OW has probably come to her senses, realising her M is more important.

H has taken day off work, but has jot got out on the pretence of running some errands. I suspect he's probably making a phonecall to or meeting up with OW.

I'm continue to act as if I don't know what's happening. Let's see our sitch is going to develop.