...this nmmng book is not all correct. i agree with most of it like spending time with myself (which i do as often as possible with friends), or looking for acceptance through her by doing and saying things in order to get a positive return,....
...i find it to be a very contradictory book at many times, but i do get the point, and have known about these remedies for years, and i have been performing some of them on a regular basis, but it doesn't matter: nothing works.
"I would like to share a few things that helped me. First I realized that "I needed to be responsible for my sexual happiness, and not rely upon my wife."
ok, if i can't rely upon my wife for my sexual needs, then who can i rely upon? myself? another woman?
...ok, this is all i pretty much do constantly!!! i forgive her, talk to her, tell her not to worry about it, it happens, and then move on, but do you think she understands what i am saying?!
..... i just let it go. is it right? no way! but my wife is a closed-minded person, never to take sex/the bedroom/romance/intimacy seriously.
...i also agree about this part, because if we do divorce, i know that i am going to have to associate with her for the kids, and that i know that it has to be amicable. i do forgive her and always have, because i am the one who comes back to her, apologizes for some stupid reason ("nice guy" syndrome, but didn't do it yesterday,and haven't done it in a while--unless i really am at fault), and tell her to forget about it, and move on. she never apologizes for anything, and never says she's wrong even when others tell her that she's wrong.
....i do let my anger go, and do push the reset button by "living and let live," and i do my best to "get a life," but it's hard with two kids. i do my best to do things for myself--trust me! focusing/challenging my energy on other things that make me happy is what i have been trying to do for years.
it's all up to her, and the way things are going and have been going, i will be separated probably by next year, if not sooner. i don't want to use the "we need to fix this marriage, otherwise we are going to divorce" line until i am completely satisfied that when she says "there's nothing wrong with, it's you!"--which is her line thrown at me in every argument
...thanks for your advice. i am taking it under consideration.
As with most books there are parts of NMMrNG that are better than others. Find the parts that work best for you.
As to being sexually happy when my wife wasn't available....Masturbation, reading books about relationships and sexual techniques (even when you have no one to try them with). A lot of the books have sections on self love and I took the time to learn a lot about what my body really likes and learn about what really feels good to me. Develop an active fantasy daydreaming life at home when you are alone. I also recommend some theraputic massage so that you get the touching a person needs, even if it isn't sexual, it still helps. And lots of exercise! Cold showers (joke!) are optional.
Your posts still sound angry. It took me quite a while to realize that I was part of the cause of my problems with my wife. I took responsibility for what I did (even though I felt what she did was worse, I realized that I was responsible for part of the problem and apologized to her for what I had done that had driven her away from me emotionally). Letting go of my anger was hard, but an important step. Admitting that I was part of the problem, but saying that I had changed and I wanted something different, made my wife realize that she could blame the old me or embrace the new me.
I think that you know deep down most of the things you need to do. The question you might want to ask yourself is if you are really ready to do them. To a certain extent both you and your wife have choices you can make to save your marriage or move toward divorce. You don't have total control over the outcome, nor does your wife.
I also think that Silly Old Bear (and others) has given you some great advice on things to think about. He gave me some great advice when I was in dispair.
When I constructed my time line for divorce, I found that in my state, there is a minimum 90 day waiting period (i.e. 3 months or more from when the papers are filed until the divorce is final). I figured that probably would want a 60 to 90 day trial separation before filing divorce papers. So I figured that if I wanted to be in a romantic relationship by a certain date to get the love I felt I deserved, I needed to plan on a separation about 6 to 8 months prior to my goal date and file divorce papers about 3 to 5 months prior to my goal date. I was surprised at how long divorce probably took to pull off and excluded things like selling assets and moving.
Good luck to you and your family.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
