I've been doing a lot of reflecting the last couple of days on what I need to do and how I need to take care of myself.
H was here tonight for dinner, SS's b-day dinner, we had a nice dinner, H even helped clean up a little bit, we goofed around on the couch. I'm very tickelish in some spots. SS left for his apt., S3 went to bed. H comes out into the kitchen to get his boots on, I'm standing there. I say goodbye, H just leaves without saying a word. I offer him some cake to take H said "I don't wan that" in a disgusted voice and H leaves.
Same old story, same old line.
What is wrong with H? I just can't figure it out anymore and I give up, I need to move forward. H just feels so dam sorry for himself. Yesterday on the phone H asked about our S3, I told him what S3 was doing and then H said "see he doesn't even ask about me anymore" How do I handle this? I guess I don't, H has to deal with his own feelings.
Is this guy depressed? H seems to only get enjoyment out of S3.
Should I file a D? This is what H wants me to do...god knows I have enough reasons and nobody, nobody would fault me.
I think what would happen is that H would just go down like a rock. He'd lose everything for nothing and then kill himself drinking and abusing his body. H aready feels worthless.
My PMA is up, has been up, H hasn't really been able to dent it, so it's not me it's H. I cannot do anything anymore....except keep working on me.
H was so good tonight with son, it's like H can feel the peacefulness in this house and it sucks him in...then it's time to leave and he's Mr. A**.
It's a respect think, my boundary to call. H you can at least say goodbye when you leave. I mean if you were leaving anybody elses house but ours you'd say goodbye. H gave both sons hugs goodnight and I asked H for one and H just walked out the door!! Maybe my vibes were coming off badly, I don't know.
Is something wrong with me? I think H just can't stand me...I don't care....H has a love/hate R with me. I didn't do anything wrong, I haven't done anything to upset him or make H mad. I've been a doormat that's the problem. But what can I do? Nothing. Live my life and detach, detach and detach some more.
H doesn't want to do anything with me, he acts like he does, but then says no right away. I don't get it. What does H want? I know just keep dbing, it's the same old same old
