First off.. do NOT take your H's word for it that everyone "laughed" about exposing him at work... His testimony is NOT reliable in the slightest there.. IGNORE it...
The fact that he even brought it up like that tells me it did bother him and no one was laughing much...
Do NOT kiss another man... it VALIDATES his affair.. EVEN IF you are DONE its important that you set a standard for ADULTHOOD and THAT is NOT IT... And I certailny don't know why you would share that info with a cheating spouse...
Anyways.. I suspect you two haven't even done the research on how much damage all of this is going to do do to your child either...
Yes, I wanted to provide my dd with a nuclear wholesome family. So what changed? I guess I just gave up and, being terrified that I was going to be alone and unwanted the rest of my life, I sought out the validation that it wasn't the end of the world, that someone somewhere would still find me desireable. There was also this sort of "hail mary" thinking that perhaps if H thought that I had moved on it would bring him around. You know, change the power structure a little bit and play the WS myself. Probably stupid.
I wish some of the things I've done would have brought my H around. Maybe I needed to be prepared to do this for multiple years . . .
Ohh . . .and right before I gave up, there were quite a series of blows. Our 5th year anniversary went unmentioned/recognized by him . . . he got an appartment . . . told me he feels no connection and hasn't been happy for years . . . told me he thought I was a miserable person . . .
Melody, they ALL same the same sorts of things: no connection, not been happy, finding some reason to make it your fault... it's all standard in their justification for the actions. They rationalize what they are doing with these things. Every WAS has said the same things, almost verbatim.
Thanks for the reminder, Sunny D. I read these things and on an intellectual level, I "get it." But it's hard to hear it from my H - because it is reality to him at this point in time.
I know he's lost right now . . . confused . . . alienated . . . embarassed . . . he can't stay that way forever, right?
Just hope he'll come to his senses sometime soon. Can't decide if I should give some signal that I'm still willing to work on it - or if that is pursuing.
Thanks for the reminder, Sunny D. I read these things and on an intellectual level, I "get it." But it's hard to hear it from my H - because it is reality to him at this point in time.
I know he's lost right now . . . confused . . . alienated . . . embarassed . . . he can't stay that way forever, right?
Just hope he'll come to his senses sometime soon. Can't decide if I should give some signal that I'm still willing to work on it - or if that is pursuing.
You need to make sure to read the post that I put up earlier that says "A Post for Everyone." I borrowed Allen's thoughts (with his permission) and added to them. I think it would be REALLY GOOD for you right now! Take it to heart!
Cut contact down to bear minimum... ZERO if you can pull it off. Have friends and family pressure your H to return to the marriage. Part of that pressure would be urging him to consider you may be willing to take him back. Have friends and family do your "pursuing" for you.
But they have to present it as you "may" take him back... not "she's ready and willing"... if he hears that he won't bother...
He has to hear there's a window open, but it is closing fast... and the clock is ticking...
AND then he hears that OW will never be welcome in their home etc... both those points should give him a nudge... the more people he hears this from the better
Thanks, Allen. That's kind of you to be willing to still give me advice when I've blown it so much. I will let his fam know that I may still be willing to work on it . . . unfortunately, they were in on my emotional roller coaster of "i'm done." They're not communicating with him right now at all, either.
Oh, and I inadvertantly exposed to our whole neighborhood. One neighbor asked me what was going on and I divulged and as I was driving out to meet a friend for dinner, they were all outside hanging (our neighborhood is a front yard neighborhood), and decided to let me know they're all on "Team Melody." If he were to come back he's going to have to have guts of steel because EVERYONE knows . . . not sure how WAS manage the aftershock of affairs and everyone knowing . . . other than to run and start over elsewhere which is what my H is doing.
Do you think I should cancel the apt. with the realtor? Or make him think I'm heading towards divorce. FYI - he has changed his bank account and direct deposit and told me I need to ask for what I need to make house bills. Of course we will be in financial ruin if we try to support our house and his apt. at the same time for long . . .
I woudl cancel the appointment for another time ya...
You have rights Mel... separation agreements if he's not living there are legal and binding... He has to support you financially if he's living elsewhere...
I would tell him you aren't comfortable with him taking away his Daughter's HOME YET...
And tell him you want to think this over some more and you will get back to him when you have the time...
If YOU take him back the neighbourhood will as well, that's how that works...
Don't worry about what you have said to him thus far.. You get a clean slate just like he does...
Just try to get as much said through an intermediary rather than talking with him directly...
YOu can have one of his family send him an email that says something like :
Despite your cruel, selfish, and disrepsectful behaviour towards our Sister In Law (or whomever is writing), I have managed to get her to be willing to hear you out if you have the decency to be a man here and offer to go to family therapy to explore repairing this mess... Of avoiding an ugly divorce of both a beautiful wife AND your adolescent daughter... You ignore this chance and your whole family will be disgusted with you and we do not want OW anywhere around our home... EVER... Melody will always have a home here... Until YOU come to your senses YOU will NOT... And you are running out of time.. I will NOT do this favour for you again...
