CD, I think we all pretty much, in hindsight, know things we could've done better in our M's that if we'd paid more attention, things possibly would've not gotten to this point. Don't beat yourself up over the that. The thing is, your W was responsible for that as well! My FT hit that point hard with me this past week. I am 50% responsible for this R and the state it is in. H is also 50% responsible as is your W! DON'T beat yourself up over this! YOU are the one willing to repair it and do the hard work, W chose to go outside the marriage and there is NO excuse for that...no matter what!
It's not just men: I used the word blindsided too. It's only natural your W appears to be done. They ALL appear to be done at this juncture.
(But good attitude you have about the future, whether with W or someone else.)
I am not dissing used car salesmen, but they will exude a charm that is dangerous to a wayward spouse... Presentation is their job...
When women make up their minds they are "done" this is not the case... I have seen it in my own home.. I heard the "I am done", "we are over", "I don't love you anymore", everything hurtful you can think of... It is all script and meaningless dribble...
It's a horrible feeling to know that if I knew then (two years ago) what I know now, even fixing 20% of my 50% of this could have prevented this entire mess.
I believe I've said it before that NEITHER of us was happy with our marriage. The difference that reveals the character and integrity is that at no point did I want to quit.
I just needed to learn what to do about it rather than continually talk about the same things. As MWD says, only action can 'change the dance'
The great irony here is that if we can magically put this back togetherm I owe HER the gratitude because she was the first one to act (bring up the D bomb). However her second act needs a serious re-write.
Don't dwell on the past, just know that the "I'm done's" and the "I dont love you anymore's" are emotional WALLS...
You ARE in there still, but she is putting up a front. SHe does NOT want you tapping into that and bringing those feelings to the surface.. She's buried them deep and puts up a wall of "I'm done" to shut you out and drive you away...
The best way to combat the wall is two pronged :
a. Expose the affair b. Repair your 50% of the marriage as best you can wtihout interacting wtih her at all...
You're welcome! It's natural to feel that way. I certainly have felt that way in my sitch but now know it's my job to take responsibility for my half and no more. I've apologized for my faults and made it clear that I regret them: not through begging or pleading, but apologizing sincerely...once!) I also made sure my intent for the future (in changing those things) is known: again...once! If WAS uses your faults against you continually, it's only because they are trying to justify and rationalize their own bad behavior. You can feel guilty no more!
Allen-If my 50 was lack of emotional/physical connection (I withdrew), how can I show that without interacting with her?
Sunny- Now that she is in an A, would it not be too late or premature to state my apology and intentions (ONCE) with my new confidence? I'm pretty sure I mentioned I wasn't quitting in either FT or prior to finding DB but I doubt it carried any weight.
