Right on the money. And this is why you get these phone calls on Mondays. He goes to work, remembers how much he hates it, and starts having that fantasy about a new life that would be better - and in his depression, he mistakenly thinks it would be better if he was rid of you.
I'm so much luckier than most, because my H was willing to get treatment for his depression, and finally realizes what a big role it played. I know you're not in a position to do anything about that with H right now - although you might try getting him to take some fish oil capsules "for his heart" - they also may have some effect on depression.
Also, recognize that since he feels trapped in his life, anything you can change or plan about a different future is good. So - change your appearance, your perfume, your clothes. Do as many 180's as you can think of. Suggest some really wild future plan (climb Mt. Whitney? Sail around the world? Go on a hunting safari in Africa?). No, those things won't cure his depression, but may start to relieve that awful feeling of being trapped - and may help him see you as his partner, not as someone who is trying to keep him chained where he is so unhappy.
Good luck. And I think you answered the phone call correctly. You do not want a divorce, if he wants it he will have to do it. Then move on to something positive.
I thought about this and thought about this and I guess I'm still working on detaching, completey and totally from my H. This has to be the key to this whole thing--DETACHMENT and I have to "get it" to keep moving forward.
I have to learn how to let H feel what H feels without feeling responsible for it. I have to let H be H and not take anything personally or make what H says about ME. It's not about ME it's about H.
I have to focus on ME and my son, I have to keep making ME better. The old ME is slowly disappearing.
If I could give one piece of advice to any of you struggling, it's that you MUST learn to focus on yourself. I know at times it seems impossible, but you will get through this. You cannot demand that your spouse change on your timetable. Draw your boundaries, but do not push. If your spouse genuinely wants to work this out, it will come, but in its own time. Focus on you. I cannot stress this enough. The turning point for my marriage came when things had degenerated badly enough within ME that I had to almost stop caring about my H - just temporarily. I was lost and clouded by my own misery, and obsessing over whether or not it would "work." I had to, as a matter of my own survival and mental health, pull back and let the relationship "go." Once I did that, things made a drastic turn around. I was not the pursuer. I was putting myself and my son first and it made all the difference in the world. Sometimes this is referred to as "detaching." It's scary at first. But absolutely necessary for most of us.
Where you get your patience and strength, God only knows!
FOR SURE no more bloody phone calls on MOndays...just DO NOT speak with him...he'll figure it out soon enough.
Your H sounds beyond confused (depression can do that...MLC too?)...he's talking about it being your 3rd D when it would be your first? Huh?
Him asking if you filed is like his own version of negative ASSuming...he can't wrap his head around why you haven't taken him to the cleaners yet...and sounds like YOU are giving that some serious thought.
I've been doing a lot of reflecting the last couple of days on what I need to do and how I need to take care of myself.
H was here tonight for dinner, SS's b-day dinner, we had a nice dinner, H even helped clean up a little bit, we goofed around on the couch. I'm very tickelish in some spots. SS left for his apt., S3 went to bed. H comes out into the kitchen to get his boots on, I'm standing there. I say goodbye, H just leaves without saying a word. I offer him some cake to take H said "I don't wan that" in a disgusted voice and H leaves.
Same old story, same old line.
What is wrong with H? I just can't figure it out anymore and I give up, I need to move forward. H just feels so dam sorry for himself. Yesterday on the phone H asked about our S3, I told him what S3 was doing and then H said "see he doesn't even ask about me anymore" How do I handle this? I guess I don't, H has to deal with his own feelings.
Is this guy depressed? H seems to only get enjoyment out of S3.
Should I file a D? This is what H wants me to do...god knows I have enough reasons and nobody, nobody would fault me.
I think what would happen is that H would just go down like a rock. He'd lose everything for nothing and then kill himself drinking and abusing his body. H aready feels worthless.
My PMA is up, has been up, H hasn't really been able to dent it, so it's not me it's H. I cannot do anything anymore....except keep working on me.
H was so good tonight with son, it's like H can feel the peacefulness in this house and it sucks him in...then it's time to leave and he's Mr. A**.
It's a respect think, my boundary to call. H you can at least say goodbye when you leave. I mean if you were leaving anybody elses house but ours you'd say goodbye. H gave both sons hugs goodnight and I asked H for one and H just walked out the door!! Maybe my vibes were coming off badly, I don't know.
Is something wrong with me? I think H just can't stand me...I don't care....H has a love/hate R with me. I didn't do anything wrong, I haven't done anything to upset him or make H mad. I've been a doormat that's the problem. But what can I do? Nothing. Live my life and detach, detach and detach some more.
H doesn't want to do anything with me, he acts like he does, but then says no right away. I don't get it. What does H want? I know just keep dbing, it's the same old same old
His behaviour is atrocious, Cath! There must be SOMETHING he is "getting" for this behaviour, some pay off...what could it be?
Is he so conflicted about his own self worth, what HE wants that he's unconsciously (or consciously?) PUSHING you to act first with these jabs and general rudeness??
He has mentioned S3 not missing him or asking after him SO many times I've lost count...what's THAT all about?
He seems to NEED to be needed...but at the same time feels unworthy? And thus lives up to his own crummy standards?
Glad to hear your PMA is fine, Cath. Gotta give you credit for that...Clearly this IS all about HIM.
Your husband is in the depression stage and getting ready for withdrawal. You are right, there is nothing that you can do and you must keep your expectations as zero. Do not ask him for a hug any more. If he wants to give you one, he will.
Go read the stages again and read depression and withdrawal stage. It is going to get harder as he gets deeper into these stages. You are going to think that he is angry at you all the time and he is not. It is the anger within himself and they do take it out on the spouse.
He anger is at himself and you can tell by him cutting himself down and the whole nine yards. He is going to blame it on you because he doesn't want to look at himself. He will get through this and you can not interfer in this because as you have said, the answers are within.
The best thing that you can do is detach. Listening and validating when he talks with you and being silent when he says nothing. It is a love/hate relationship right now. I'm there myself right now. HB calls it the back and forth or mix messages. One minute you are okay to talk to and be with and the next he can't stand you.
The only way to break this cycle for yourself, is to ignore what he is going through and not get on the rollercoaster with him. Excepting the fact that you can not take this pain away from him and that you can not fix anything. You have made all attempts to do that so far and nothing has worked. Also, go to the MLC board and read what Snodderly wrote about the reconnection. When it is true reconnection.
You will find alot of your husband there as well. You can not make this happen any faster for him. I know that you want him to stop and you want him to get through this faster, but he isn't going to.
You are the only one that can stop allowing Monday's to be this way for you. You can not stop them being that way for your husband, he has to do that as well. Just decide that you are not going to be sucked in by his attitude.
I can guarantee you that he doesn't like being this way either, but doesn't know how to shake it. He is the only one that can figure that one out for himself. Just continue to be kind, patient, loving and forgiving.
Take the time to really read the last few stages of MLC. You will be surprised how much of your husband is in them.
Maybe it's the reality of having to leave, facing everything he's done each time he leaves, that makes him turn into just an @$$ each time he leaves. It seems to be a pattern, right?
So, in a way, it might be a good sign. He may know that he has really messed up and be displacing anger each time he faces the hard truth as he walks out of your door again and again.
What to do? I might bring it up to him. Say something like you get so angry and depressed each time you have to leave. Is there something we could do to help you with those feelings? You have a nice time here and I feel closer to you and then, when it's time for you to leave, I feel you getting angry and dismissive towards me. I love you and I want to help. Is there anything I can do?
Just a thought. You know him best, so if you think this would help...try it...if not...don't! HUGS...
