SG is there some particular reason why this conversation has to happen tonight?
If you aren't prepared, and I don't think it sounds as if you are to have this chit chat then I would leave it for three days or so and tell her you need a few more days to prepare...
You do NOT have to accept things on HER terms simply because she is holding the knife of divorce over your head...
This is a poker game SG and right now she doesnt' have very good cards from the sounds of it...
She's got many years with you, her mother isn't supporting her divorce... SHe's cheating on you and you are prepared to expose it publically...
Once you expose SG her credibility for pursuing divorce is SHOT to HELL.. She will NOT want to go that route after you have painted OM out to be the stalking creep he is..
You do NOT have to cower in fear here and just meet on HER terms and talk about what SHE wants to talk about... Do NOT let her lead this marriage into a ditch
You talk when you are BOTH ready to talk You meet where you are BOTH comfortable meeting YOu talk about the TRUTH and don't let her side track you with hollow negative naysaying BULLSHITE
I feel that the conversation needs to happen tonight because she's asking for the week away. This has gone on long enough and it's time to take some action. If our past breakups (pre-marriage) are any indication, she's getting closer to making some decision. I want to get the ball rolling as soon as possible before she's made up her mind.
When I talk to her and out the affair, is there any reason to go into details? I have no absolute proof a physical affair, just the fact that they communicate a lot and that she's already admitted that there's feelings for him. I guess I don't see the point in telling her all the details of how I know.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
"Do you really want me to make a rash decision about this? I need to time to think. Can't you give me that?"
You have some thinking to do as well, so you can understand that.
Explain to me (TH) why YOU have to leave your HOME instead of her leaving?
She probably wants me to leave because she has no where to go. She's already spent numerous nights at a close friend's small apartment. She most likely won't stay with her parents since she won't talk to her mom at the moment. She knows that I can stay with my parents...
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
I think you should cancel the meeting unless YOU feel you are ready.. if you have exposed this to her mother etc...
Turning away from you to sort things out in private is NOT going to repair this marriage...
have you guys gone to family therapy at all yet? Serioulsy.. one year in and she wants to bolt because some creep is whispering in her ear?
And NO, you do NOT need to PROVE to her with details. You just need to say "I know and I am not an idiot so don't try to deny it. I don't care how far it has gone or hasn't gone... He's in interference in our resolving anything here. As long as you are in contact with him you are NOT going to be able to make a level headed decision here... And I will not stand here and watch you run around with him lying to everyone that he's just a friend of yours either... HE's a predator to our marriage and I want him gone if you expect me to cooperate with you at all."
And ONE WEEK away from him is NOT giong to work.
"I want him GONE form our lives while you and I are IN each other's lives. If divorce is going to happen then that's AFTER papers are signed and that's a LONG WAYS away from now. If we reconcile and rebuild then he is NOT involved with you in any way shape or form becuase he is marriage-hostile and isnt' welcome in our home or in EITHER of our lives."
If you want to explore this marriage and its merits with a famly therapist I am 100% on side with you there... And I will do whatever they ask me to do... But OM is NOT a family therapist and he is NOT in ANY WAY safe to be talking to right now... He is JUST going to be a HUGE interference here and I want him gone before I agree to giving you space to talk with a family therapist. If you want me to move out while we are in Family Tharapy I am in favour of htat.. but NOT if you are in contact with him in any way."
And just walk away.. Don't back down from that sort of position.
If she tries to negotiate you tell her you are offering her family therapy and the space she needs as well as the run of her home... Tell her she can have a MONTH if she's willign to go to FT for that month... etc But NOT while she is frolicking around with OM... NO NO NO
Ya, you could agree to live elsewhere as long as she is NOT in contact with OM and she IS seeing a professional family therapist that you BOTH approve of...
Somehow I don't think she will take that gift... But you can play the hand anyways, but she's just going to fold that one on you
Do police SWAT teams or military brigades go in WHEN THEY ARE NOT READY OR PREPARED??????????????
Basically, you are serving a HIGH-RISK warrant with ABSOLUTELY NO PREPARATION.
I can send you a list of police officers, firefighters, soldiers ect that have done the same thing, and where they are buried.
You NEED to follow the advice on here. STOP thinking "this needs to happen" or "I feel I should do this".
You are going to go in there and get absolutely SHREDDED.
1) INTEL and INFORMATION are absolutely ESSENTIAL. I can provide you with 10 different ways to do this. Then, when she LIES straight to your face, YOU CAN DIRECT THE CONVERSATION AND TRAP HER. BE ABLE TO PUT THE STRESS ON HER.
When you operate from a position of power, you control the situation. Do you ever wonder why the US has tried for 50 years to have "AIR DOMINANCE". The military CONTROLS the skies, which ultimately wins the battle.
We spent nearly 70 billion on the Predator drone program for intel and hard strikes, and we control the battlefield.
You HAVE to get your predator program going. You need intel and Hellfire missiles for PRECISION STRIKES. You gather your intel, and then SPECIFICALLY TARGET the right people. The OM, her parents, your parents, friends, colleagues ect.
You are basically running a counter-insurgency operation. Your wife will use ANY tactic to win this. But you have LIMITED RULES OF ENGAGEMENT. You CANNOT just fire blindly and hope you hit something, or cause more damage. THAT IS WHAT THIS FORUM IS FOR. BEFORE you do something this big you should consult here. Then if you get the go ahead, DO ONLY WHAT WAS TOLD OF YOU.
Someone really needs to do a General Petraeus and write the "Infidelity Counter Insurgency Manual". Because that is what infidelity is. The WAS will use ANY method to get what they want, no matter what the cost. But the LBS can only respond with LIMITED countermeasures.
Last edited by Quicksilver264; 07/11/1009:16 PM.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
I haven't made any attempts to reach out to her in a week. Any time we see each other, it's briefly in the morning when getting ready for work, or when she chooses to try to see me. So far, she hasn't contacted me yet to see about plans for dinner. I'm preparing my comments in case she does reach out. Otherwise, I think I may "accidently" forget about dinner plans and not go home until it's time to go to bed.
I don't know that I can get any more evidence of the affair. She's appears to be acting on the message that I intercepted... the one that stated she wanted to communication with me or the OM for a week. It'll be impossible to gather any evidence if this is true. Also, she'd then spend the week making up her mind... and once she makes a decision, she digs her heals in and doesn't waiver.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
Allen, most people who are doing these things aren't very mature mentally, are they?!!!!
SG: I agree with QS and Allen here: if you try to do this too soon and without being 100% prepared, you are likely to fall into the trap of reacting instead of acting with a plan. You have to be totally prepared mentally, physically, and emotionally.
I may not have said it quite with the same impact, but I do agree! LOL
That's why I said half way Sunny.. tha'ts the best you are gonna get from me for a cheating wayward
SG...
This is YOUR marriage TOO... The idea that SHE can distance herself from BOTH of you for ONE WEEK and sort ANYTHING OUT is unfair and I would tell her so.
I would tell her outright that you KNOW and that comparing some secret affair with OM to being married to you for a year is a ridiculous comparison and you won't accept her making that decision independently in a week...
I would tell her if she's going to make independent comparisons based on some secret affair then you aren't interested in moving out. But I would suggest to her that she DOES need time and offer her something reasonable like I suggested before.
If she tries to sneak OM into that at all I would give her a firm NO and WALK OUT of the conversation half done. If she is gonig to push for him to be part of the negotiation in any way then EXIT the conversation... Just tell her you will not be disrespected like this and walk out calmnly.
