Still trying to find my way

[par4me]

Strange, never heard that before but you still got them all when you woke up so hope you get all your power back.

[Mystik]

Picked up the Helping Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way book today. I can tell just by skimming it that reading the book is going to be emotionally draining for me.

[Mystik]

Ugh, really missing H tonight. Will I ever get used to this?

[Vulcanized]

Yes, you will get used to it.
You will get through it.
You will eventually get over it.

(((m)))

[Mystik]

RNM, right now it's hard to believe that time will ever come.

[Mystik]

Got my boy back today. H called at the time he was supposed to arrive with DS to ask if his brother could take DS to see Despicable Me today. I said no, I was already at the exchange place waiting for them. So he dropped off DS and asked me if I had heard aything about the no-fault divorce. I replied that it was going to be at least 6-9 months before it was law and could be used. He replied that I only had that long left to drag my feet. At this point in time I am not planning on signing any papers I am served requesting divorce. We'll see how I feel when the time comes that he files. I told him about DS's appointment tomorrow, he was annoyed that I didn't tell him sooner. He asked if it was a family appointment or just DS. I said I was only going to talk to her about my concerns then leave the room so she could talk to DS. He said that he thought he should be there so I told him when I got home I would text him the address. I plan on speaking to her alone, without H in the room and will give H the same privacy. I know it will be uncomfortable in the waiting room while DS is speaking alone to the therapist. Might bring my iPod and listen to music while I wait so H doesn't try to talk to me, I'm feeling rather emotional and will most likely start crying if he tries.

Had DS call and leave SIL a voice mail wishing her a happy birthday. Just a few minutes later she texted me thanking me for having DS call her and she loved his message. I deleted the text, didn't respond. She made it clear that she no longer wants to interact with me. All three of H's sisters have now unfriended me on FB. It stings, I won't lie.

Still praying for strength, patience and wisdom to see me through this situation with H. So far God has been providing me with what I need.

[Mystik]

In no particular order, the concerns I am going to tell the therapist I have:

• when he gets in trouble is insistent that I want him dead, no longer living with me and/or that I hate him
• has a fascination with death and dying (drew a picture of my sister getting struck by lightning and turning into a pile of ash)
• that I give him privacy on phone calls to H, is he too young?
• doesn't mention H or anything that happened while he was with H to me, he knows that it upsets me
• gets upset if someone is here when he returns home from H's
• been extremely defiant lately - flat out refuses to do things I ask him to, such as get himself dressed
• left voice mails to his father saying he wants a new father, or that H left him
• is very concerned with how I'm feeling, if I'm crying or not
• overall concerned that DS is internalizing things

[TimeHeals]

Sounds like you need to be stronger if only for your son. He's seeing you fall to pieces.

[Mystik]

I'm trying to be stronger, and lately I have been doing better. But I fear the damage has already been done.

[TimeHeals]

Mystik, every day is a new day. Don't beat yourself up for yesterday.