Today we're going to do something fun with the girls, so it'll be interesting to see how "nice" she'll be. I expect her to go all out to calm things down, so that nothing rocks the boat. I'm going to be a good father, a husband who listens, but I'm primarily just going to have fun. I feel great, healthy, and have the most clarity of mind since D-Day.
I think that she's afraid of me kicking her out and "losing" her daughters. She thinks I try and convince her of my point of view, and that I don't here what she's saying. But she changes what she says all the time because she doesn't want to rock the boat; ends up lying and ruining my trust.
For example, we were talking about separating to different rooms in the house, and I asked her point blank if sleeping in the same bed was a problem. She said no. Then during our fight last night she says she goes to bed, and I come to bed 20 minutes later, and she lies there for hours uncomfortable. So she has a big problem with honesty, as well as engaging in a conversation. Her idea of a discussion is just her talking and me listening.
I understand that she needs to vent sometimes, just needs someone to listen to her problems and fears. But we also need to do the stuff our MC is asking us to do, and that means talking about the "grass being greener" type of stuff, about how to have enough space etc.
But it really boils down to her avoiding a decision; she either needs to leave and deal with the consequences, or she needs to stay and make things better. There's no middle ground.
I just need to be patient while she works this out, while I follow my DB plan. GAL is fun, but it's so hard to turn of being Mr Fixit when I see her in pain. She still hasn't told a single family member what's going on, cuz she's afraid of what she'll hear.
Imagine....a grown woman who resents her H receiving attention when he's fighting for his life. For her to say it was "all about you" when you were sick is the most immature and downright selfish thing I believe I've heard yet! She really has a problem....and I don't think her problem is "you" at all.
Since you have met her, have you noticed that she has a hard time keeping friendships or maintaining R's within her family? Forgive me if you have already stated. It sounds like she isn't happy anytime she isn't the center of everyone's attention and is jealous of the person who is stealing her spotlight. I've seen women who were even jealous of their own daughters whenever it should have been their (the D)special event.
Okay, so she feel "uncomfortable" with you in the same bed, and with you in the same house with her. That is her problem (being uncomfortable) and therefore you should not be the one to leave the master bedroom or the house. If anyone leaves.....she should be the one to do so.
IMO, a woman such as your W seems to be, has to be handled with tough love. I also think she will need some sort of a crises to force her eyes open. You would think that almost losing her H would be crises enough....but that's not the right "kind" of crises she needs. She's selfish.....so the crises needs to be all about her and hit her where it hurts the most.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She's very self centered, and sometimes seems incapable of accepting love. She was abused as a kid (not sure the age) by a family member, and from what I've read, this causes huge problems in self-worth, esteem and accepting love. I think that's why she doesn't trust her own feelings, as well as mine. I'm hoping that this comes up in counseling, either MC or IC.
Otherwise I don't see her being able to sustain a loving relationship; and as much as I love her and want to help her, I'm the least capable person of doing so. I've realized that my own love, however poorly expressed is no match for that type of deep seated problem.
After cooking dinner for the family, I walked the dog for 1 mile, took a shower, then said I'm out to go to a blues street festival. All I heard was the sound of her jaw dropping as I left the house.
Had a good church service, and a good walk with our dog. Sometimes I think that my W has so much anger, so much bitterness towards everything. I know that I can't "fix" that, but it's hard to see her so miserable with life. Even before D-Day, she's always had anger issues, and that used to make me feel like a failure. Now I realize that I don't own that problem, that until she learns to love herself, she'll never be able to accept love, nor give it freely. And that's what I've missed the last 11 years.
I'm a good father, and taking care of my two D is so important to me. I want them to learn how to cope with their feelings, not be driven by them. But the W is their feminine role model, and I'd hate them to have the same issues she has. All I can do is be a strong, loving, affectionate father. And I am.
