Thank you, all. I really appreciate that so many people on this forum understand the value of trying to save a marriage rather than pushing divorce.
I need help. I need help fast. I'm supposed to meet her for this evening, probably in about 5 hours.
1. How should I respond to her wanting a week to "think by herself." She wants me to leave our home. When I challenged her and said that I live here as well, she said something along the lines of, "Do you really want me to make a rash decision about this? I need to time to think. Can't you give me that?"
2. I think now is the time to let her know that I know about the OM. Although I'm pretty sure she's already aware of my knowledge, I want to make sure SHE knows.
I'm thinking about waiting until she brings up the "one week" plan again. My first comment will be, "Are you also going to spend a week away from OM? I want this marriage to work, but you're disrespecting our family."
I need a script. I've been doing a ton of reading on this forum, and I'm just becoming more overwhelmed.
After I out her, it sounds like I need to talk with her parents. Unfortunately, I don't think that I have too many people that will lean on her. Her two closest friends would tell her that I asked them to help apply pressure. Other friends in our mutual "circle" are too weak to really do anything. They're more of the weekend "party" friends than close friends.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
"Do you really want me to make a rash decision about this? I need to time to think. Can't you give me that?"
You have some thinking to do as well, so you can understand that.
Explain to me (TH) why YOU have to leave your HOME instead of her leaving?
You need Allen on exposure, and you need robx on letting go.
Do NOT let her bully you into anything because you are afraid of losing her. If she's pursuing somebody else, she's already left the building just like Elvis.
Letting her push you around and call the shots is not going to make her come back to you. Do what is right, be calm and firm.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 07/11/1005:49 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
YOu takl with her parents FIRST SG... or she will go to tehm and tell them you are crazy and by then they likely won't believe you
And you don't have any hard evidence either...
I would tell her right now isn't a good time to talk and that you need time too..
You need more evidence on this creep... She will just deny it if you don't have anything hard and her parents will believe her first most likely...
There are tons of good samples on here SG...
YOu don't have to ask them to apply pressure if you don't think they will... But you SHOULD set the record straight with everyone exactly what she's been doing... If you think the audience member will help you ask them to...
My advice SG is to start the script to the in laws here and start the script to your wife here in this thread... in draft... there are people here who will help you polish it up...
"Do you really want me to make a rash decision about this? I need to time to think. Can't you give me that?"
Excuse me, but WE should not be making rash decisions here... But ONE of us already DID in secret... You have HAD time to think and WASTED it frolicing around with another man...
I have no intention of leaving my home so you can frolic around more. WE need to sort this out as a COUPLE.. it is OUR decision.. Not just YOURS. I have to decide if I want to be married to someone who CHEATS on me with ANOTHER MAN in SECRET to solve her marital problems. Pouring gasoline on a house on fire isn't going to get the occupants out safely now is it?
Stuff like that... You have to hit her HARD and EVEN... You don't want to vilify her, but you DO want to even the playing field and acknowledge that you BOTH have to think hard on this and you BOTH have reason to doubt the other. Lastly that it should be done as a couple withOUT interference from an interloping third party.
I am willing to work on my marriage and changes that I need to make for your benefit.. quite a lot of things about the way I participate here I want to change for you and for the better. But we BOTH have work to do here... And you can't do that frolicing around with a predator to our marriage whispering in your hear in secret...
Here's some stuff from Dr Phil :
It is unfair to compare a new, exciting, taboo fantasy relationship to one you've been in for years where there are kids, bills to pay, a house to run and noses to wipe. That is a ridiculous comparison.
In order to resolve your relationship, contact with "the other person" must be cut off 100 percent. You can't work on dealing with the consequences of the affair while you're still having it.
Almost everyone new at this tries to do the following :
a. Argue b. Negotiate c. Beg
This stuff doesn't work.
You don't want to be a jerk about this, but you DO need to do the following :
a. Lead the meeting b. Be the first to end the meeting, BEFORE things get ugly c. State your position and IGNORE the negative responses and naysaying...
You will likely hear lines like :
I need space I need time I can't think right now He's just a friend
Or if she admits the affair :
We are in love We are soul mates We understand each other We are getting married This is fate, it is meant to be
STuff like that
You will also hear :
I want a divorce We shoudln't have gotten married Our marriage is over We are done Our marriage was a mistake We aren't right for each other You are too controlling
All of this is garbage SG... and you need to just KEEP STICKING to your script when you hear all this crap...
Important points to get across :
1. Our marriage needs time to resolve 2. You are contaminating this marriage with an interloping third party - you are CHEATING me and YOU and our MARRIAGE 3. It must stop NOW - No more contact from OM 4. I will not lie to cover up your affair
You will VERY LIKELY feel obligated or drawn to responding to her negative commentary like "we aren't right for each other" etc... you will feel COMPELLED to argue back
DO NOT DO THIS... BITE YOUR LIP and STICK to your SCRIPT
If she says
"we aren't right for each other"
You reply
". You are contaminating this marriage with an interloping third party - you are CHEATING me and YOU and our MARRIAGE"
Don't reply drectly to negatives... go back to the poitns ou want to get across and REPEAT them as many times as you ahve to in order to get her to STOP the negatives...
The more times you repeat your position while she throws negatives at you the more your point will sink in...
SHE is vulnerable to what you have to say, but YOU don't have to listen to her garbage.. IGNORE IT...
Almost EVERYONE gets sucked into a destructive tennis match of arguing back and forth and it won't help you
AVOID responding to negatives by changing the direction of the conversation back to the safety of the marriage and how much OM is contaminating her judgement right now.
Dont villify your wife, but DO make a point of OM being a HUGE distraction.
