Is this piecing?

[flowmom]

He can't discuss coparenting when I am the only one with a problem and he's pushing through bully tactics and legal threats to have his way or the high way. We have been in MC as basically a mediator since Dec and H has promptly forgotten every bit of advice give, including things that make S's life more calm, peaceful and happy. I have gone that route and if he is determined to fight instead of listen and comprimise and communicate on basic civil terms about our son I'm wasting time and money and will only chose a lawyer.

Hope, I really think you should give the idea of working with a psychologist on coparenting more of a chance.

The "agenda" of the MC was working on your M -- but that was a goal that you had and your H didn't. From his perspective, any insight gained from MC about parenting, may have been tainted by the focus on working on your M...something that he didn't want. Your MC may not have been in a position to make recommendations that might have been good for your S but not good for the possibility of reconciliation (like no contact, etc).

The agenda of working on coparenting *assumes* divorce and looking at a future as divorced parents. That is the operating assumption. And I assume that the conversations and focus would be *very* different than MC with a side of helping S in the situation. With a baseline of your accepting the D and working with H to make it work for S, you may find that there's an opportunity for more progress in the area of coparenting.

Do you feel that you can be really clear about the difference between:

1. believing that reconciliation is the best choice for S and working towards that for his benefit

and

2. accepting D, and working on how to create the best life for S as divorced parents?

I don't want to trivialize the serious concerns you have about your H's behaviours and S' well-being with your H. But IMO a coparenting psychologist may be able to help you navigate what's best for your child rather than a L and a court. Often the psychologist will talk to the child individually as well. It's very hard for you to be objective here because you are dealing with the trauma of being emotionally abused yourself. It might be hard to clearly see what your S' best interest is here?

I'm just putting that out there as food for thought.

You're making huge strides and I'm proud of you. Right now "doing what works" is doing what creates the maximum peace for you and S right now, without tolerating abuse. You're in a very difficult situation and I know there aren't any easy answers.

(((hugs)))