The reason I thing he's going to ask for a D is because of the things he's been saying; I need to make a decision(about us, staying or leaving)-- it's not fair to anyone for me to keep making everyone live in limbo--this is a heads up, I'm going to quit my job, maybe next week-- there isn't anything you can do but to keep losing weight and get a job-- Now that you have lost weight and are getting your sh$$ together I feel better about leaving because I know you'll be ok--you're financially better off than most women I know--I'm getting close to figuring out what I need to do (if that included re-committing he'd be moving in that direction with me)--she's a good friend of mine and I care about her--I know we can't move on with our marriage when I'm still in contact with her--(but he won't stop the contact)--she's moved on, dating other guys, going to school. she's all alone down there and I'm just making sure she's ok, I don't like talking about it--my R with her is on it's way to fizzling out--I want more kids--I'm going to have a house like that again someday (not we)--I'm going to quit that job and take a break, work on my degree and just have a flunky 9-5 job for awhile--I don't want to stay here another winter--
those are just some of the things he has said recently. The signs are there, he just isn't in to this re-committing thing. He sees himself with her or someone else, not me. It's weird, cuz one day he seems to be inching ahead a little; complimenting me, a touch or a wink here and there..then the next day he won't even look at me and barely says a thing. It's like living with Jekyll and Hyde..I never know which one he'll be.
We did have some good moments yesterday. We got silly and laughed as we made up some goofy stories, like we used to do. It was fun. But he's back to his sullen distant self again today.
I hesitate to say some of the stuff I probably need to on here, because I stupidly sent him that link to that post a month or so ago. He could be reading what I'm writing, not that I think he is..but he could be. She is pretty computer savvy and is behind his locking the phone, and other technical stuff. He isn't really into computers or gadgets. She could also be on here, reading. Who knows, maybe he sent her the link I sent him and she's reading and telling him. I know it sounds paranoid, but I really shouldn't discuss financial and atty stuff, with that in mind. My private msg thing is disabled (not sure why) so I can't even ask you guys about some of that stuff in private. I didn't think ahead about all that..never been on a forum before so I didn't know what I was doing.
Puppy, I see you're on here this morning..do you have any ideas/suggestions about what I've written here yesterday and today. I feel like I'm in a really bad place with no hope..and it's freaking me out.
I may not be the one you want responding here - but I do feel your pain and can hear the desperation in the tone of your posts. And you can come back to me saying "pot meet kettle":) but...
you seem to be stuck living your life "reacting" to the things your H does or says - which will never make sense. The advice given on these boards is HARD - and sometimes as hurtful as the situation itself. But it is the right advice - you can't continue reacting you have to separate yourself and start living your own life and making decisions for yourself - not waiting to decide things for you as a couple. I am a mess at this / but I know it's right. And I know that I am an emotional wreck and that the people who care about me (including those posting here) have a clearer sense of the situation than I do.
Rest, read, rest, write, rest, garden, rest, be quiet - take care of yourself and allow yourself not to worry about him.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Irish..thanks for your post. I really need all the help I can get. I know that I am reacting to what he's doing. It feels to me, that in order to stop that, I need to just be done with this whole thing. What I mean is this: I don't know about the legalities of what might happen if he says he's done and wants a D. If that happens, I would need to make some major life adjustments for myself and am not prepared to do that right now. So I need to get prepared..which means taking classes to get back into the job market after not working for 5 years, packing my stuff, selling the house, finding a place to live, a job to support myself, etc. I know everyone says that I need to take this one day at a time, and not to think so much about the future, but i don't know how I can NOT do that.
It seems to me that in order for me to stop reacting to his stuff, I need to make some decisions for myself and protect myself. Financially, mentally, etc. In order to protect myself financially you all have recommended putting money into my own account..that would be like drawing First Blood in his book. He wouldn't see it as protection, he'd see it as me starting to move toward a D and then all hell would break loose. He'd stop my access to his accounts, which is where all the money is. I don't work.
He had asked me several months ago if I had seen an atty..I said yes, just to see what could possibly happen to me because he holds all the cards. I told him that I didn't know what he and OW were planning and I could get left high and dry. Of course he said he'd never do that to me, but then I didn't think he'd do any of this stuff to me either..so I don't trust anythign he does or says anymore. Anyway, he then went to see an atty too. That was several months ago and he has since moved back, but now I'm wondering if it is to make himself look batter if the D does come about..you know..like he really tried to reconcile.
This is a mess. I need to be prepared and I don't know how to do that without starting a war...or at the very least without making things move toward a D.
I'd be willing to bet you any amount of money that he has already seen an atty, and yes, he does seem like his recent "good boy" behavior is part of being coached.
You should absolutely get some good legal counsel, and you have NO need to apologize for it or explain it to him in any other way than "Considering where we are right now, I decided that it would be wise to begin to protect myself."
Are you saying that you never saw one? Your remark here:
Quote:
I don't know about the legalities of what might happen if he says he's done and wants a D.
Puppy..I did see an atty for an initial visit..didn't get much out of it really. Most of the time was spent telling him the story. I would need to go in with specific questions..not that I didn't then..but I didn't know what to ask, then. I guess I know more now. He thought my H had seen someone too, which my H told me he did, since I did.
What can I do about posting here since I think I may have compromised myself..are there things I can do or just stop posting or keep posting and hope that he's not reading it?
Why are my private messages disabled? If I had that, maybe I could ask some of this stuff to you guys in private. The legal stuff particularly.
Irish, I hear what you're saying. I am reacting to him. And it's killing me. Up and down. My brother says I need to make a decision to make a decision..not let him call all the shots.
I used to worry about him in the sense that he is so screwed up he needs me to help him..blahblahblah. Now I'm starting to worry about him in the sense of what he is going to do to hurt me when he decides to move on with her or someone else. Just yesterday he told me he still wants more kids. I can't have them anymore. It seems to be over except for the D. And I'm sure that's not far down the road. That's what makes me want to pull the plug and just get it over with.
You all have suggested getting a job, taking some classes, finding some friends, not talking about the R with him, letting him work thru this by himself. That's all fine if he wants to pay the bills, the house payment, etc. I can't afford this house by myself no matter what I do. So if he quits his job, we will have to sell the house and he has said he just wants to take some time off and work on his degree. I suggested that I get a job with health insc, and we could use some of the savings to pay the bills until the house is sold and we decide where we want to move. But he doesn't seem to be planning to move ahead with me or he'd be talking about where do "we" want to move, and asking me to look for jobs there, or him looking for jobs there. He has told me he has been looking for jobs..first I heard of that..I am guessing he's looking where she lives. So he can just quit, move with her and have a flunky job to give him some spending money and she will take care of the rest. I'll be left here with a gigantic house, no income and no one around to help with anything. We have things that need to be done to the house before it goes up for sale.
Maybe I'm having tunnel vision, but I don't see how I can win here, w/o pulling the plug and getting out of here.
ok..I was looking for something on his signon on my laptop and he was on here yesterday looking at weather stuff. He deleted the browsing history and couldn't figure out why. I did some digging and pulled up old favorites..one of them was match.com and the search was man looking for woman 25-35. Wow..why am I surprised? He is looking for someone while he's pretending to be here to work on us.
Sweetie, I'm going to say something I know you don't want to hear. It doesn't matter if he D's you or not, in his head, right now, he's probably single.
Snodderly is right, you do have more time than you think b/c you're in a panic.
You need to step back, breathe, make some goals and take one step towards them every day.
How about setting up an appt. for an atty this week? Do they have "free" initial consults where you are? You can also look up some info on the web.
That you want to pull the plug and run is a defense mechanism. Is that really what you want? I can tell you right now, that I have been a runner in the past. Doesn't help and actually has hurt me b/c of how I feel about myself.
