(((((((Cathy)))))))), didn't have a chance to go back to your old thread, but from what I can see, you've been going through some crazy stuff lately...
The one thing that leapt out at me, but which may be totally off base as I haven't read your thread, is that you *need* your H's respect to feel good about yourself.
You are trying to figure out how to change him, control him, to get it. You are afraid of requiring it because you are afraid of losing him, so you are afraid to set some boundaries.
What would happen if you merely reported when you did not feel respected: H, that doesn't work for me, I don't feel appreciated or respected. I would like to feel repected by you.
Set a boundary: how long will you wait for him to show you respect? Then, when he doesn't, it is your choice to experience that, not something he is imposing on you.... hmmmmm... do you see?
Also, try to detach simply from his disrespectfulness. I have no idea what your style is — but assume a woman stuck in the 80s stylewise, big hair, shoulder pads, etc..., or a 15 year old trying to recreate the height of the punk rock scene, criticized a great new haircut you'd just gotten. Wouldn't you just laugh? How silly, how out of touch.... It wouldn't affect you or your ability to be friends... Your H is just as out of touch with your worth. Your worth is not contingent on him getting in touch with it.
Of course, you want an M with respect in it. Step back, report your feelings, ask for what you want, and see what happens. Do not be afraid to set a boundary, or you will never get a new R that is what YOU want.
I don't know if I NEED H's respect as much as I WANT H's respect.
What would happen if you merely reported when you did not feel respected: H, that doesn't work for me, I don't feel appreciated or respected. I would like to feel respected by you. I like this, this does feel comfortable for me.
Also, try to detach simply from his disrespectfulness. I have no idea what your style is — but assume a woman stuck in the 80s stylewise, big hair, shoulder pads, etc..., or a 15 year old trying to recreate the height of the punk rock scene, criticized a great new haircut you'd just gotten. Wouldn't you just laugh? How silly, how out of touch.... It wouldn't affect you or your ability to be friends... Your H is just as out of touch with your worth. Your worth is not contingent on him getting in touch with it.
I know my worth isn't contingent on H's getting in touch with it, but H is out of touch with my worth. I heard H talk about OW, once, and the things he says he likes about her, are the exact same things that I am!! It's frustrating, H just refuses to see the real me or I should say won't admit that I do have worth. I work very hard at my job, we have our slow times and our busy times, H thinks I don't do anything but goof off!! If I goof off so much how come I've been promoted three times in the last nine years...maybe that's not many times, but I work for the state and you pretty much have to run a department to get promoted!
I can't just walk away either, I guess, I would never do this to a friend when H is being disrepsectful.
What I need to do is detach from H's disrespectfulness and not take it personally.
Quote: You are trying to figure out how to change him, control him, to get it. You are afraid of requiring it because you are afraid of losing him, so you are afraid to set some boundaries.
EXACLTY, as this might just break the camels back. This is my biggest fear! My last fear to conquer as this could really either make or break us, but I must set my boundaries NOW. There is no time like the present, this will also require me to really, I mean really listen to my H.
I found Acorn's thread to be really thought provoking, too. I know DB includes fixing ourselves, looking within to see where we might have flaws, but I think, and I know I'm guilty of this, we can go to far in stifling our thoughts and not saying the things we feel. Sage mentioned that her H noticed her walking on eggshells, so to speak, working at choosing the right words. There is a blance between giving them the time to think and space, but if we don't respect ourselves and our own thoughts, how in the world will they ever do the same?
I think you have great advice on the boundaries to be drawn. You can control your reaction, try some of the things for a week and see what happens.
Quote: There is a blance between giving them the time to think and space, but if we don't respect ourselves and our own thoughts, how in the world will they ever do the same?
This hit home, as today I am struggling, I want to be able to share MY thoughts and feelings with my H. I would like to be able to share MY FEELINGS when H says the only reason you want me back is because "you're lonely" and because "I got left" and my favorite "you asked me to leave"
Can I do this? Will it make H feel GUILTY and go back into his TUNNEL.
My response to "you're lonely" would be:
H I'm not lonely, for the first time in a long time I am not lonely. If I was really that lonely don't you think I would have found somebody else to take your place by now? Aren't there enough lonely people out there that I could have found at least one person to fill that void by now, if I was really lonely?
In answer to the "I got left" and "I told you to leave"
I didn’t get left, you left me. I know I told you to leave. If I would have said go jump off a bridge instead of telling you to leave then what I’m hearing is that you would have done that? If anything I shouldn’t want you back--because you left ME. You left ME long before I TOLD you to leave. I said the words you didn’t say the words, you didn’t say to me that you were going go out and have an affair, yes I hear you when you say “it just happened” but you didn’t tell ME that you had found someone else that you were seeing someone else until after everything was in motion. You knew OW, you talked to OW, you went to her house, you did things with OW and you did all of this without telling me. I told you to leave because from where I stood you had already made your choice long before you TOLD me about OW. AND, you could have chose not to leave.
I want to be honest with my H from this day forward. If we are to treat each like friends, then friends can be honest with each other can't they? I don't want to say things to make H feel guilty, I'm not saying them to make H feel guilty, I just want H to know how I FEEL and to RESPECT me for being honest as he has been honest with ME.
H just called me. H said he was going to be over tomorrow night and Thursday night to see S and get ready for hunting. I said oh I made swiss steak tonight. H said I know I was just there, I picked up the deer meat, to take for processing. H said it smelled pretty good too. I kind of thought H would be over tonight that's why I made the steak tonight. Oh well, leftover tomorrow night. H missed out. Maybe in the future I should check with H before I compose a big meal.
H was in a very good mood, too. H asked me if I missed him..I said yes I do..H said no you don't...I just laughed at that point. Then he started sigming a Billy Ray Cyrus song "about where am I going to live now that you've thrown my clothes on the lawn" or something like that.
Saturday is the start of gun hunting here so H will be like a little kid all week. When H moved back last week H moved his guns and hunting stuff back home, so H has to come over to get ready for hunting.
I am soo glad as tomorrow after work I NEED a night to shop. I just like going to Wal-mart or Target and browsing..it's my way of relaxing before I go home.
I think it was Sage who said she composed her thoughts in a word document before she posted....that is a very good idea, one that I am going to use, also. Thanks Sage!
It dawned on me this morning, that when H and I had our talk last Thursday night, we were both in the EXACT same spots as we were on the day I found out and told H to leave....almost like we were continuing from where we left off....is that weird or what?
Something else sunk in today, my H’s need for his own space, as in his mail, his time, he’s asserting his independence or maybe it’s that I finally see it and can accept it, that H isn’t being mean, it’s his MEness that H wants me to see and respect. Just as I want H to respect ME and my MEness. Just another “I get it” light bulb that came on today for me.
Well the evening went quite well after the first few minutes. H had brought a framed collage of photos H had taken with son this weekend. I said to H "did you do this" and H said yeah right, I said you didn't, H said no I didn't "you know who" I said so she did the other one that you gave me a few months ago. H said well of course. I said why did you lie to me about it? H said because you get wacko. I said oh, I was seething inside, how dare she do something for our son, OW has met him once and that was in May, she has no reason to give our S anything, at leat in my eyes. She didn't do it for our S, OW did it for H!! Argghhhhh. So know in our S's room we have too framed photo collages that OW did for our S. I then said well I guess I should thank OW then. So then I asked H how his day was, H wouldn't answer me, so I said I guess I'm leaving and walked into the bedroom. I mean why can't he answer me when I ask a simple question...grow up for goodness sake.
H made supper, SS19 came over and we all had dinner together. H and SS were getting ready to go hunting this weekend and I said maybe I should go. We have a place this year to now. H said no you're not going. So I came upstairs to call one of my brothers to see if any of them, I have 4 brothers have a rifle I could borrow. My brother assured me I could get a gun if not from his then from my other brother who allegedly has ten guns. H came up at the time that I was talked to my brother and listened to the conversation. So when I got off the phone I went into the bedroom and H was sitting on the bed trying on hunting caps. He then asked me why I didn't ask to borrow one of his guns? I said H I don't want to bother you with all of this, I'd have to shoot sometime and I don't know when that will be so I'm not even sure if I'll go yet. I told H that I really wanted to go this year, I'm not sure why either, I just wanted to go, I want to get a deer. I said how long have I been hunting, over five years I think I haven't even got a deer, I've had plenty of changes, a few misses and H even said I've had more chances than him, and I have. We then started talking about all the times I'd gone before and the things that happened, like the year that H shot my buck, it had been hanging around me all morning and ended up close enough to H so H shot it. H then asked which hat looked better on him, I picked the one that I liked and said that it matched his eyes. H just looked at me. So then we went back downstairs where S and SS were. I then asked H where his stainless steel rifle was? H said why. I said because I like that rifle. H again asked why I liked. SS chimed in "she likes it because it's shiney" and I it black and stainless steel, bolt action, ruger....I just like the looks of that gun. H said I just gave it so and so today, you didn't tell me you were going to hun. I said who? He said a guy H works with and I said you mean he doesn't have his own gun...the guys a drunk for one thing. So then H told me I'd better get my license before Friday, I couldn't buy it later. So I am going to buy a hunting license, get a gun and hunt, not this weekend but next week a couple times.
So H layed with S till S feel asleep and gut up, grumpy. I gathered the things H was taking with him and then H said "what are you doing with S tomorrow night" I said going to a friends and said Why, H said well I was going to come over, and I said that would be okay and H just shook his head no. H does have a docot appt. on this side of town tomorrow so he could show up here. I told him good luck hunting and then I had to put my car in the garage so walked with him outside and said "I love you" as H was getting into H's truck.
So all in all a very good night. It's just too weird the way H acts and the fact that H doesn't live here, but with OW. H did make a few sexual advances to me tonight...just can't figure H out...if OW knew she'd flip and why then do I even worry about OW having any kind of real hold on my H???
What kind of relationships do you want? This is the most frequently unasked, and therefore unanswered, question. Be specific; what communication style do you prefer? What are the values you want to engage with and learn from? And, by far the most important question, who is the inner person whose voice you suppress to make others feel comfortable? That's the person who needs to feel welcome among friends, family and lovers. That and nobody else is the person capable of contentment in your relationships.
Is this cool or what!!! Sounds like some wonderful advice I would get from you all here!!!
