Heartbroken and needing help!

[job]

Irish,
Grace has given you some ideas about getting out of the house a bit. Going out for the evening isn't giving up....it's about living and being part of the world around you. You need this interaction to help you regain your inner strength.

As to whether your h is a WAS or a MLCer, they both tend to have some of the same traits. It doesn't matter at this point becuase you would do the same thing that you are doing now, i.e., ensuring that your finances are in order, taking care of yourself and your family.

When we come here for the very first time, we are attempting to figure out what is wrong w/them and whether or not it's a crisis. It's okay, it's human nature to try to fix things. A large majority of posters are "fixers" and one of the hardest lessons to learn is that we cannot fix everything, especially our spouses. They are the ones that have to make the mistakes and learn that happiness can only be found within and not some outside source. Sometimes they realize their mistakes and want to return to us. Other times, they realize their mistakes too late and we have moved on and do not want to reconcile w/them. Some will never admit their mistakes and live out their lives in misery and make everyone else miserable around them, especially if they are in another relationship.

What do we do? We have to go on w/our lives as if they are never coming back. We have to live our lives to the fullest and come to understand that we didn't break them, therefore we can't fix them. The "fix" must be made by them and them only. Being a fixer, it is very difficult to step back and watch them make one mistake after the other but you have to do it.

Irish, you are going to be okay. You will find your balance in time. But the most important thing is to take care of yourself, i.e., plenty of sleep, exercise and eat three square meals a day. Be kind to yourself.

[NorthStar]

Dear IB - I don't know if it helps, but I feel exactly the same. I think we must learn to believe all those who have been through the same journey and know that we will get through it. Even though it feels impossible at times. And the exhaustion of over-thinking and analyzing everything they say and do ... oh my goodness... don't you just want your brain to stop?! Walking (as Grace suggested to me) really does help. Although I've just been through another low due to friends letting me know that they saw H with OW 'looking happy, with his arm around her'. Spiraled me into an emotional tail-spin (he refuses to admit there is OW). Found myself yearning to be reclusive again. The kids were all busy and out of the house ... a real struggle for me to pick myself up. But I have. I'm amazed that reading through all the resources that I've got from DBing (especially those one-liners; pearls of wisdom and advice). Tonight, I feel more content. I'm still working to halt negative thoughts (ANY ADVICE ON THAT ONE WOULD BE BRILLIANT, but so much better than I was three four days ago.
You are in my thoughts and prayers Irish.x

[irishblessings]

Thanks Twiglet and Snodderly -
Last night was one of the first that I didn't hear from X at all / no checking in on S and such. I am still getting used to the oddity of it all. Thanks goodness I have had my S and his teammates around so much - cooking for a bunch of 16 year old boys has been a pleasure - they make me laugh. Did their laundry, made them breakfast - but I still get sad that H is not here / not just for me but for the boys to have a role model - a standard of a united family. Believe me, I know that kids turn out fine all the time from split homes - it's just that I believe from the bottom of my heart that when kids have both parents together at home - and truly together as partners in the work - then they have a much better chance of weathering this storm in their own lives. I miss sharing these times with H.

OK - I will keep moving forward. I am proud of myself that I didn't text or call H.

Snodderly - your descriptions are perfect and I need to get used to the fact that there are some things in life that cannot be explained or reasoned. It is what it is - he is what he is. I, however, can change:)

[irishblessings]

A miserable milestone -
H was at the game this morning and he is not wearing his wedding ring any longer. I had to leave at halftime and go into the bathroom and sob. What is wrong with me? It's like I am so thick-headed that I don't get the fact that he is done. I say I respect that is how he feels - but then I get blown away and hurt by the actions. I feel like this is so surreal - I used to look so forward to being at S's games together and enjoying watching him together. Now it is just painful. I know it's par for the course - but someone wrote in another thread that every newbie comes here thinking they will be the exception - and I guess I was one of them. Now I'm just the rule...and it hurts and I am broken.

[RLay1100]

Brooklyn,

I did read your other post - and I am so grateful. I keep re-reading the stages of MLC and LBS / trying to remind myself that the feelings I am having are to be expected for the circumstances. It helps me to remember to maintain a compassionate and respectful heart. That is how I want to be remembered.

It's a quiet Friday night and there are more moments lately that I am embracing the peace. I am more willing to admit how emotionally exhausted I truly am. Also,reflecting on the MLC stages - I'm not sure if my H is in replay, depression, or withdrawal - he shows signs of each phase. But what I am sure of is that I have been fighting a silent or invisible enemy for several years now and it has taken its toll on me. My resilience and strength is seriously reduced. I know that I am not a total doormat - but I have lost any boundaries I might have tried to have in place for myself. I desperately need to find myself and determine how I will respond to this challenge. I want my kids to be proud of me and I want to be proud of myself when there is resolution.

Thanks again for your support.

IrishBlessings, I am feeling and striving for the same things you are. We WILL get through this. I am right here on this journey with you, as so many others are. (((Irish...)))

[irishblessings]

Thanks - RLay
I keep beating myself up for allowing myself to feel this much hurt over someone who is obviously so screwed up / but I see him as he was not as he is. I'm embarrassed by what he is - angry by what he is - hurt by what he is. It's funny how he believes he's been living a lie for so long when I and all who have known him and loved him actually see the life he is living now to be the lie.

Enough about him - I allowed myself to be hurt by this and I shouldn't have. I need to toughen up and move forward.

Thanks so much for your support

[imLIN]

IB...My H was definetly MLC...yet he never wish-washed on wanting me after he walked out and for the next couple of years! It was only when HE was getting to the bottom that he realized that I wasn't in his life so I could not have been the reason things were so bad...I protected myself financially and got a real supporting job for the first time in my life after age 40! I did get approved for child support but as long as I was making it I never forced it with H...sometimes he would give me money but most of the time he didn't have any so there was no point in me pursuing the blood from the turnip...
My H was in many ways a WAS...he said he was done...would go months with zero contact, even with kids and our son was only 9 when he left! He didn't call, write, email...nothing...at times I wondered if he was dead!
All you can do is lead your life, take care of you and hope for the best...because as grim as it all seems you may not be the "rule" after all is said and done...in my heart and as hard as I tried I just could not imagine that H would not be part of my life again...even when I thought all was lost (I filed for D twice)there was always a bit of "maybe" and "what-if" left in me...and even though for a short time I had an emotional connection with man I just didn't feel the same...I just couldn't "unlove" H...it took a long time and pretty much to the point that I didn't NEED him anymore...wanted, yes...needed, no...I was content most of the time...had stopped crying on a daily basis (but still weekly), was traveling with the kids and feeling brave about my new life...all the while H was spiraling down and eventually made the decision to move back to town (which he said he would NEVER do)...it was to be closer to our son...but in reality I think he was thinking of me too...our roles had now changed...he needed me...he was in bad shape...he didn't love me but eventually he told me that he wanted to love me again...after coming home it took another year before he could tell me he loved me...was it hard? You bet it was and many times I questioned if I was making the right decision...laying my heart out on the chopping block...but in the end it worked...I took the risk and it was worth it...

What would I have done if it didn't? I would have been okay...hurt, yes...but much more confident that I would be okay and that I could stand on my own two feet and make a good life for me and my kids...and...I would have known that I had done my ALL...there would have been closure for me there...and even now...things are good...I continue to work on me, GAL, and know that I will never be helpless again...he H were to crack and be gone I would let him go and keep living my life without looking back...I gave my all the first time around...there is none left...but, I don't think I have to worry about that now...I just know inside I can do it!

Hang in there...get a life the best you can...do things with friends...have people over...do things just for you (massage is great because it takes in so many of the senses that you are missing right now, namely TOUCH)...and know that no matter what you will be okay...H may or maynot be okay...time will tell...

take care...Lin

[irishblessings]

Wow Lin - you have no idea how much I needed to read your post! Thank you for sharing your experiences - it helps so much and I know I have to establish my own life. I have given my all this time around - nothing left. Now, I have to build something for myself and my kids.

Just wondering if anyone else feels that part of being a good father or good mother is being a good husband or good wife? I have a hard time separating the two - (in the best worlds I guess)

[Grace_O]

Just wondering if anyone else feels that part of being a good father or good mother is being a good husband or good wife? I have a hard time separating the two - (in the best worlds I guess)

Sure. Was I? No. How do I know? He left.

[irishblessings]

I've been reading Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson - he identifies a lot of similar strategies as MWD - but one thing stood out:

He said Respect, the critical ingredient in human affairs, is generated by quiet dignity, self-confidence, and common courtesy. This is what I need to strive for -

Grace - I am curious as to why you make that statement - are you saying you weren't a good wife therefore he left?