And that's what finally got through to her? That he was cheating on HER?
Funny how it's okay when THEY cheat, but getting cheated ON? Totally unacceptable!
Well the upside is that maybe she got an inkling of what she did to you...
There are a lot of interesting points in here so I want to comment more in genral :
Eventually OP will show their true colours, its only a matter of time. The point of exposure is to apply stress on the end of the OP in particular if you can, as this will bring the reality of them out much sooner... Its like seeing a really handsome man on TV or something and then later seeing him curse and swear and make threats... completely takes the romance out of the first impression... The sooner you can get the OP to expose themselves for who they are the better... But YOU can't do it, THEY have to reveal themselves.. You can set the stage for that to happen though... by bringing "rain down on them" as QS calls it
I doubt even getting cheated on will take the full romance out of the affair or get any sympathy. I think they may feel foolish, but entitlement is the problem. WS often feel like there were problems in the marriage, so what I am doing is ok. What I am doing is simply fighting back. With the affair, its stage 1, you are all warm to each other and reality is shut out still... So if someone cheats on you THEN you feel robbed becasue you were the perfect mate still... You haven't had time to mess your partner up. Why cheat on ME when I haven't done any harm to you yet?
Most spouses in marriage KNOW they made mistakes when they find out they've been cheated on... But I think the WS feels different when it happens with the OP...
I think in marriage when you find out you've been cheated on that a lot of people partly take ownership of that problem and is why they chose to stay and deal with it... They KNOW they made mistakes.. Time gives you way too much opportunity NOT to mess your partner up a bit... Because of this damage the WS feels they can pursue an affair legitimately... unlike teh OP cheating...
There is a technical term in infidelity research called "monogamous infidelity" and another counterpart "polygamous infidelity"
These basically mean what they say... being unfaithful to your spouse, BUT faithful to your OP... this is very different from a WS who continues to pursue relations of any sort with their LBS while pursuing the affair... OFten there are lies in both directions.
In your case SR your H moved into the basement to prove to OW he was in a monogamous affair. To his mind he's being perfectly honourable and faithful to her so if she cheated on him HE would be the one who was treated unfairly... To his mind YOU made mistakes so He can legitimately cheat on you.. Particularly after three years in... I think he's pretty much accepted that you are ok with it.
To his mind he's the perfect husband... YOU made mistakes so its ok for him to cheat... If OW was caught cheating on HIM then he would be devastated.
