WAW Wants to Be Alone

[TimeHeals]

Knowing isn't going to hurt you but I definitely wouldn't advocate stalking her or anyone, that's just wrong.

Set her free, if she really wants out, let her go.

But view it as her loss, not yours.

That's the mindset.

If your marriage isn't worth it to her, why is it worth it to you? Let go of the people that don't value you or the relationship they have with you.

Allow her to make whatever mistakes she wants to make, you can't stop her even if you try.

I agree with this, but that doesn't mean you don't check simple things like phone records.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Good. I really don't want to find out by "checking" on her.

Personally, I'd rather her trust me again and TELL me that she is having an affair anyway.

Naive. That NEVER happens.

Never.

Puppy

[FaithnAK]

Not saying that it EVER/NEVER happens. I'm not saying that I'm waiting for it either.

My wishes are wishes, period. Naive? Not really, I've learned that nothing is as it seems..good or bad.

TBH I couldn't blame her anyway. Even though it would hurt like hell.

I'm not comfortable about "checking"...for one the only real way to do it is to hire a PI...because if I was to do it and got caught I'd instantly be labeled a "Stalker".

Checking phone records has been done...unfortunately we have unlimited texting and it does not show on our bill to the number.

[Greek]

I think you ought to know what you're dealing with, MC, and that includes due diligence to find out if there is another person in your marriage. Why? B/c it matters. It will make a difference really for every next move you make. It will make a difference in terms of the the filter you will have to put her words through. It will make a difference as to the extent that you must protect yourself (physical, financial).

Can't think of too many times I've read on here about spouses who volunteered this kind of info - about having an A. Mostly it goes the other way - they totally deny - even before they are asked! Your wife cannot be your source of intel.

Look around. No one is bullet proof. If there is another person, you'll find it.

Greek

[tjack45]

I think it is of great importance to find out if their is another person. My sitch went from "i never loved you", you need to move on... full speed ahead on divorce. to 2 weeks after exposure "I can't see my life with you and I can't see it without you.. to 6 weeks after exposure - I know we have something special and I am going to give my best to you forever (and the actions to back it up) 12 weeks - very happily married, extreme remorse and now 2 people who understand how a great marriage has to look.

I found a hand written love note buried in our garbage to bring her affair to light. My W got sloppy once I said I was done (trying stuff that didn't work) and meant it. I truly believe exposure played a critical role in our reconcilliation (OM made a real quality introduction to W's family by emailing them how a good mother, sister should "feel" about their relationship) Nice one douchbag!

Combine that with some hard work, change, fear of loss and wisdom on your part and your things might begin to look in your favor.

You are getting some great advice here by the best this site has to offer. Believe it, then begin to live it. You will be rewarded regardless of what you W does.

[par4me]

These two guys have given you the best advice that you can recieve. Leave it alone. Work on fixing yourself. Man, get in shape. Other man? It doesn't matter really, you have history behind you. Change your ways. Be a man and do the right thing but don't pursue. Fix yourself, she isn't going to far. She will see your change. Don't worry about if she does or doesn't but she will check up on you and get off the damn computer games.

[FaithnAK]

Well, it's gotten interesting. I didn't go look for her, but I started digging thru paperwork and found a lot of info.

She said on the 4th of July weekend that she had her sisters house to herself and was gonna "rest". BUT I found that she spent $150 at the liquor store between the the 2nd and 3rd. Found several other transactions I found in her "Hidden" account that I can't verify. That's good stuff.

So tonight I wanted to verify a weird charge on our account so I texted her and asked what it was? Turns out to be nothing...but she volunteered that she was gonna hang out with a friend(I know her)and chat at her house. So I tell her to have fun....but while digging thru all the paperwork I got mad and called...friend said she never had plans with her. Hmmmmm

So I admit it...I started calling her cell...and I'm not kidding ....the second time I called around 2 am...she must have accepted instead of decline and on speaker I listened for almost 15 mins to drunk ppl making out, joking around, and flirting...not really proof she's [censored] around but proof enough to know I can't trust her.

So anyway, just like I thought how I would react I did, pissed off I told her what i thought of her. TBH I feel relieved that I said A LOT of stuff that I really don't care that I did or not. (make sense?) Anyway she told me like 3 times during the BS that she'd be over tomorrow....and 3 times I told her she could keep her forked tongue where she's at. I dont want to see her.

I love her and she WAS my best friend...but now I can't trust her worth [censored].

So do I kick her to the curb...or keep trying? She's obviously has bigger issues than anything that I did...what would you do?

[Greek]

Do not see her today. Avoid it! Avoid it! Avoid it! You are not ready b/c you are very emotional right now, upset, mad, hurt, p!ssed...all understandable. But interacting with her while these emotions are so fresh and raw will NOT help you work this out. So...look in the paper, find something going on in your city and get out of the house to do it. Or go to a friends house in the next town for the day. Or climb a tree and look for a rare bird all day - whatever! But you must not meet with her today. WHEN she calls to line up this meeting: "W, I had plans already for today so I can't meet with you - and I really can't talk now either b/c I'm getting ready to go. We'll talk later." And that is all. Please, let that be all.

The objectives for today are:
* Settle yourself down
** Let her stew in the wonder of what you are going to do

That's all for today. We'll help you deal with the next step after you get through today.

OH! One more thing - if you think you're going to call her and talk about all of this - take your mobile phone apart. Put the battery in your sock drawer and your handset in the trunk of you car. Stay off of that phone!

Greek

[TimeHeals]

So do I kick her to the curb...or keep trying? She's obviously has bigger issues than anything that I did...what would you do?

I agree with Greek. You need to spend the next couple of days not seeing, texting, talking or anything to her. You need to cool down and focus on something else.
Just cancel because you have other plans, and it's past time to go, so you have no time to talk.

Emotions are going to be changing from one minute to the next with something this fresh, so you need to get out and do stuff and cool down before you two talk about anything.

Pleaae stay in touch and try to get some feedback before you get into anymore R discussions.

[robx]

Now thru my countless times of bringing up the Big R in our little time spent together (very bad). I received this Email from her yesterday:

"Look im just done dont want to be with anyone at all...dont want to be married anymore as well. i understand that i may not have given you a fair chance and im sorry. but i just want to move on with myself and be alone. and yeah my track record does suck. sure but i just dont want it anymore."

Agree with her.

- She expects you to fight this all the way.
- She expects you to argue with her on this and she expects to be forced into marriage counselling and forced into having a relationship with you that she currently doesn't want.

She really wants freedom from you, then give it to her, give her 100% freedom from you, agree with her feelings, agree with what she wants and give her the one thing she's asking for.

And that's it.

That's your solution.

If she wants to come back after after her freedom from you and the marriage, it's a decision she will have to make.

View the recent gucci thread on this very topic.

Don't spend years languishing trying 100's of different things in an attempt to get her to come back, do the one thing that has the greatest chance of being successful even though it's counter-intuitive and goes against everything your mind is telling you to do (which is pursue her, email her, text her, call her, leave msg's, write letters, plead, beg, grovel, buy gifts, offer to "change and be a better man").

I mean you could spend all your time doing these things or you could just randomly peruse any number of the WAW threads on these forums and notice that these things don't really work.

And if they don't really work, why bother doing them?

If you want something that works, do what actually works.

If you need more info, I'll post a few quotes and a link to that thread but it should be pretty easy to find on this newcomers forum, it's probably on the 4th or 5th page right now.

read it again