excellent advice! thank you! ironically, i have known most of these answers for years, and have practiced them, am practicing them, and still nothing works.
the next morning, i didn't say a word; i wasn't angry. i did send her like a dozen websites that address her condition and contradict everything she said about men wanting only quickies, but did not discuss anything, and she acted like nothing happened.
i didn't address the issue because: a. i am aaalllllwwwwaaaaayyyyssss addressing the issue; b. i am waiting for things to calm down; c. she alwaaaaayyyyyssss goes on the defensive and fights against my advice and solutions.
i've been fighting this battle for years! everytime i address the issue, we argue. she only agreed a few times over the years to change--which only lasted a week each and every time.
this nmmng book is not all correct. i agree with most of it like spending time with myself (which i do as often as possible with friends), or looking for acceptance through her by doing and saying things in order to get a positive return, but there are quite a few things that are totally off-base, such as holding a door open for somebody; not washing your car; trying to be completely different than your father; always putting yourself first (except if you have kids) before your spouse and others (what, if someone asks for help, or you want to do something nice for your spouse/friend and your doing it out of the goodness of your heart, that's a bad thing, because you're not putting yourself first? or if your wife needs help with something, and you don't really want to do it, but you do it anyway, that makes you a "nice guy" being taken advantage of?
i find it to be a very contradictory book at many times, but i do get the point, and have known about these remedies for years, and i have been performing some of them on a regular basis, but it doesn't matter: nothing works.
"I would like to share a few things that helped me. First I realized that "I needed to be responsible for my sexual happiness, and not rely upon my wife."
ok, if i can't rely upon my wife for my sexual needs, then who can i rely upon? myself? another woman?
Next, and this is probably the most difficult hurdle to cross, as much as she has caused you pain, you need to forgive her and let go of your anger toward her. If possible you need to work on letting go of your anger and showing her love and friendship. Your anger is ultimately going to hurt you and keep you from gaining happiness.
ok, this is all i pretty much do constantly!!! i forgive her, talk to her, tell her not to worry about it, it happens, and then move on, but do you think she understands what i am saying?! no, she doesn't, because giving or telling her that i forgive her only puts the ball back into her court and she says, "i win again!" so now i forgive her without saying anything about last night, or ever discussing the issue: i just let it go. is it right? no way! but my wife is a closed-minded person, never to take sex/the bedroom/romance/intimacy seriously. she thinks and says that it's just another way of getting her into bed to only have sex with her. meanwhile, i have been trying to do everything to show her that this marriage is not only about sex: being a teamplayer when it comes to the kids; conversing with her about everything in the world but sex; going shopping with her without the kids; going for walks; doing the household chores with her or even without her; doing everything and anything to uphold my responsibilities as a husband and father.
"Ultimately if you divorce her, she is and always will be the mother of your children. That means that no matter how badly she has treated you, the two of you will need to socially interact at times. For the sake of your children, you should try to figure out a relationship with her that doesn't involve open hate or anger. Letting go of your anger and figuring out how to establish a friendship with her will help a lot if you don't end up divorcing her, but rebuild your marriage."
i also agree about this part, because if we do divorce, i know that i am going to have to associate with her for the kids, and that i know that it has to be amicable. i do forgive her and always have, because i am the one who comes back to her, apologizes for some stupid reason ("nice guy" syndrome, but didn't do it yesterday,and haven't done it in a while--unless i really am at fault), and tell her to forget about it, and move on. she never apologizes for anything, and never says she's wrong even when others tell her that she's wrong.
"You are not being treated well by your wife. However, you need to let go of your anger. You also need to work on "getting a life" and focusing on taking charge of bringing happiness into your life. Use your energy to find things that make you happy. Allow your wife to change with you and be supportive of her and show her love and friendship."
i do let my anger go, and do push the reset button by "living and let live," and i do my best to "get a life," but it's hard with two kids. i do my best to do things for myself--trust me! focusing/challenging my energy on other things that make me happy is what i have been trying to do for years.
it's all up to her, and the way things are going and have been going, i will be separated probably by next year, if not sooner. i don't want to use the "we need to fix this marriage, otherwise we are going to divorce" line until i am completely satisfied that when she says "there's nothing wrong with, it's you!"--which is her line thrown at me in every argument--i want to know that i am truly going to pull the trigger this time. i did it once last year; we had a major fight, i packed some things, she got on the phone and called her friend crying what i doing, got her friend to stop me from leaving, things settled down, and she did nothing to change. it's as if nothing happened and she is still the same woman that i have been complaining about for the past 8-10yrs. i wasn't ready to leave: i held an empty gun,and my bluff was called. she didn't say anything positive like "ok, i'm gonna change, i'm gonna make us better, etc." all she did was nag me about why i wasn't now going, why did i change my mind?! she even called my mother to tell her what i was doing! but deep down i wasn't ready.
now i am getting closer to pull that trigger. she is not going to change--ever--and i now see it more clearly as the days progress.
during the work year, i will text her little lines of romantic stuff telling her how good she looked today and that i love her. sometimes i would get a response of thanks, or even maybe i love you too; most of the times i would be left hanging, and if i went back to the cell phone log, i could see that i may not have gotten a response from her, but i noticed that she responded to others instead of me (her response may not have been right away to others, but i would have been her last text, and i wouldn't get an response, but somebody else would. you just don't forget to respond to your spouse if he/she is sending you something loving, would you?
and this has nothing to do with the "nice guy" syndrome: it's just simple common courtesy and acknowledgement.
wouldn't you expect a response from fried, or even a "sorry, i'm getting back to you so late, but i was tied-up" comment? i wouldn't even get that, but she would send that to her friends! i'm just looking for some respect, and it's not there.
or how about when i do go out with my friends and i get like 150 texts from her: "sitting here at lax: bored; the spicket is leaking and it's creating ice on the driveway; son #1 got a failing grade today; son #2 is not listening to me; we have to go food shopping; etc." constantly texting me when she's alone with the kids. i don't go out very often, but when i do , i get these mundane, superficial texts! and the irony is that when she goes out, i try to do the same, and i never get a response until she's leaving and coming home!
thanks for your advice. i am taking it under consideration.
