Heartbroken and needing help!

[irishblessings]

Today was another tough day. Having a really hard time concentrating at work. Feeling a little overwhelmed by the day-to-day tasks of maintaining home, finances, S, family, friends, etc.

It is not about capability - I know I am capable - it's about loss. It's about losing a partner. H has shown NO evidence that he misses having me in his life. He has shown NO evidence that he cares or is concerned about how I am doing. Yes, I know I am a grown woman and I know that what is most important is how I feel about myself - I just miss that life. I know that he has demonized me and the life we had, but I have the evidence that it wasn't like he is seeing it - that being said, I continue to RESPECT the fact that HE believes it and therefore I do not engage him in talks about it or try to convince him otherwise. He has the right to his beliefs.

I also continue to think about what I am standing for - going back to my young friend's beliefs that if he doesn't love me he should be able to find love somewhere else. In my heart, it isn't about love - it is about so much more. It is about our kids, extended family, fun, friendship, partnership, work, attraction, dreams, companionship, support, respect, values - all of those things that developed over 28 years together. There were definitely more smiles than tears - more togetherness than separateness, more agreement than disagreement.

I know that MLC and its symptoms don't make sense - it is a crazy time. I just needed to state this to remind myself that I am sane and that I have the strength and reasons to stand for my marriage.

Thanks for being here!

[dl443322]

Sweetie, of course you feel the loss. You wouldnt be human if you didn't.

I posted to you on my thread before I read this so I dont want to repeat myself.

I know it's hard for you to believe, but they all rewrite history. They do. You know your truth and that's what's important.

I also know how hard it is for you to let him go. He really needs to walk this journey alone. I know it goes against ever instinct you have, but it is true.

I don't know what will happen with your h, but I know this, you will get through this.

We will be here to help you.

[irishblessings]

Brooklyn,

I did read your other post - and I am so grateful. I keep re-reading the stages of MLC and LBS / trying to remind myself that the feelings I am having are to be expected for the circumstances. It helps me to remember to maintain a compassionate and respectful heart. That is how I want to be remembered.

It's a quiet Friday night and there are more moments lately that I am embracing the peace. I am more willing to admit how emotionally exhausted I truly am. Also,reflecting on the MLC stages - I'm not sure if my H is in replay, depression, or withdrawal - he shows signs of each phase. But what I am sure of is that I have been fighting a silent or invisible enemy for several years now and it has taken its toll on me. My resilience and strength is seriously reduced. I know that I am not a total doormat - but I have lost any boundaries I might have tried to have in place for myself. I desperately need to find myself and determine how I will respond to this challenge. I want my kids to be proud of me and I want to be proud of myself when there is resolution.

Thanks again for your support.

[dl443322]

IB, I never put too much stock in what phase my h was in. Partly because I'm still not sure if my h is a walkaway with MLC.

And really, it doesnt matter what stage he's in. They often facilate between them all. And all MLCers are different. If you try to figure it out, you get caught up in timelines and that doesnt help you at all. It really just upsets you.

So, I want to keep reminding you that you are very early into this. You, of course, will have huge feelings of distress and sadness. How could you not? Your whole world has been turned upside down. Everything you thought you knew, you thought you had, all changed in a moment.

And I am sure you are worn down from years of trying to fix things.

That is why you must take care of yourself. Rest. Eat. Excerise. Pray if you are inclined. Read. Walk. Go out with a friend.

Take the time you need to regroup. And when you are ready, you will begin to see the things you need in order to come through this.

I feel your strength. And in time, you will, too.

[irishblessings]

Slept 8 straight hours! Felt so good!

Woke up to a moment of clarity where I realized that I was largely responsible for giving my H the language and the doubts of me ever being good enough for him. It has almost been a self-fulfilling prophecy - I've never FELT good enough for him therefore at moments of discord or when my fear would overtake me - I would say to him "I've never been able to meet your standard" or "You've never felt that I was the one - that there might have been someone better suited to you"

When this mountain of MLC/addiction moved in front of me - I now realize that I AM strong, smart, attractive, and kind. I am DEFINITELY good enough for him and I deserve someone who actually BELIEVES it. Thing is - I think my husband has always believed it - but it got lost in the craziness of life.

So, this morning, I wake up to a house full of boys (my son's team). I run to the grocery so I can cook breakfast for them before their games today. I think - I will extend a breakfast invitation to H - he would love to be here talking to the kids. So I send a text message to him with an invite to eat and/or hang with the boys - he responds: "that would be great. be there in a few"
He comes in, eats, helps with the dishes - talks to me about all of the old coaching friends he has seen at the tournament. Talk about Ds a bit. I am pleasant, kind. Boys leave - and he stands at the door. "You coming today?" I say yes and thanks for your help." He says "see you there". But here's the kicker - he walks to the sidewalk and instead of walking by the empty trash bin that has just been picked up - he actually picked it up and moved it back to the side of the house. Small thing - yes / but it made me smile. He did something kind for me for the first time in a month.

I still don't know if I should have extended the invite - whether I should be completely dark. But it is hard to go dark when S is still home. And these moments are opportunities for him to see the good at home. I am ABSOLUTELY not reading more into this than what it is - but even with H gone - I still feel like I need to do at least one thing per day that is a positive contribution to the M. Maybe it's just getting a head on a bill - or finishing a home project - or keeping in touch with family - or reaching out a kind word to him. I think my marriage was bigger than he and I - it was a life that we built that was pretty darn good! But the he and I part got crossways somehow and it is going to take a long time to straighten out.

Sometimes I feel like I am the most long-winded person on here / but I appreciate anyone who reads my random thoughts. Thanks for being here!

[Grace_O]

Irish,

The invitation was kind. If you are going to co-parent, it takes kindness and compassion.

That you do one thing a day for your M is up to you. You just need to keep the expectations as low as possible and you might consider limiting invitaions.

Good rule of thumb might be to do 12 things for yourself for every 1 you do for M.

Just a thought.

HUGS

[irishblessings]

Thanks Grace - needed that reminder! It is hard to keep the expectations low -no matter how hard I try.
Still trying to figure out those things for myself - but I've been doing some cooking, gardening, entertaining S and his friends, reading, journaling - wanting to begin doing some planning for myself for future activities.
Been walking, and resting - much, much needed.

Thanks for helping to keep me in line:)

[imLIN]

IB...I have an understanding of where you are in this...your sich mirrored mine in many ways except for the $40 hook-ups...he just got a younger OW for a while...

I can tell you that I shared a lot of your same emotions and feelings...I too extended invitations where appropriate but my H was very distant and avoided contact even with the kids...

I think it was those invites, combined with my changes and his accepting treatment for his many health and emotional issues (that I honestly thought he would never ever admit to) that eventually let to his return...he has been home for 4 years and happy for the better part of last 3 years...it took time but I hung in there...

Just sharing a positive outcome to such a devistating situation...something to give you hope during this journey...no matter where it takes you!

[irishblessings]

I've been reading a lot of the resources OP sent me at the beginning - and I came across this from J3B -

To me a True Walk Away Spouse is: See you done, divorce ASAP no regreets and no remorse. The only thing that changes in their life is that they do not want you in it.

MLC what they want changes day to day, they want you they don't...it really is up to you to read the resources...if most of them fit...sorry to say MLC.

I am wondering if my H is more of a WAS - it's been about 3 months since he said he was "done" - and he hasn't changed his tune at all. But I know he has a ton of other issues that are similar to the MLC. And of course I know I am still thinking about him when I should be thinking about me -I am just trying to make sense of my world and he is still in that world.

I am spending a lot of time alone at home - and it's not so bad - but I just feel so lonely and empty - and I end up hearing H's words in my head and begin to question whether or not they are true.

Saturday night pity party:)

[Grace_O]

Irish,

I read and re-read the resources here and any other info I could get in the beginning. To this day, I can't tell you if my H is a WAS or MLC. He fits both in some ways. I finally reached a point where it didn't matter. If you note my registered date, you'll see I've been hanging around here for awhile.

I know he is still in your world and a big part of it. I know the feelings of "reading between the lines" of everything they say and do. You will do what you decide when you decide. In the meantime, do get out of the house and do something. It makes a world of difference in your mental attitude.

Do you like to take walks, perhaps go dancing? I know how wierd the latter can be at first. H and I used to dance alot. I don't have much time these days (D's 24/7, work, classes, dog, house, etc), but as I get more (with D's growing up), I get out more. I make a point of it.

Going out doesn't mean you're giving up or even looking (even though, I do like to window shop ). It means you value yourself enough to live your life and share what you have to offer.

If you're having a pity party, I've got tequila...

HUGS