I am very sorry to hear about the death of your son and my prayers are with you for continued strength.
I am not a veteran or an "affair buster". I am just a God fearing "Little Miss Bo Peeper" who for over a year has been "fighting" for my marriage. I know how it is to feel this is how "the world" would approach marriage problems and this is how God would have me approach them. Always, always you must seek God and pray before taking any steps. If you feel that God has spoken to you and told you to follow a certain route, there is no debate.
I know that God does expect Christians to fight for their marriages and not to give up easily. After all, you have taken the for better or for worse and til death do us part vows. BUT that does not necessarily mean that you can't take a "hard line" approach against adultery once you do so in a loving way. By that I mean you are not nasty, spiteful or disdainful to your spouse but you are firm yet polite. You can defend your M by stating that while you love her and acknowledge that while she has been through a rough time with the death of your son, marriage is meant for two people and God and that there is no room in M for a third person. You give her all the space she wants and stop pursuing. You can stop being available while there is a third person in your marriage. There is a way to do all this and please God. It is in the execution. You are never to act like a jerk but dignified and firm.
In fact, letting go may well be the ultimate manifestation of trust in God to work things out. GALing and enjoying your life shows that you trust God to take care of you and that you don't have to stand around crying, wringing your hands and being a "doormat". You can do this because you know that God will work towards the best resolution. Holding on tightly may be a very human inclination which can say that we don't trust ourselves to let go and let God work.I am just speaking in general terms and not assigning any labels to your behaviour.
The Prodigal Father did not put his life on hold. He no doubt prayed constantly for his son's return but he didn't go out searching the hills and fields for him. He let him go. This is where the LBS should begin GALing and the process of self development.
There is no room in a M for wanting to be involved with someone else and wanting your spouse as a friend. That goes against the very definition of M. There may be a way for a smart spouse who can handle it to put the necessary distance between a WAS and fan the friendship flame but it is a thin line to be treaded carefully.
Only you can know what God tells you and as I stated you must folow his lead. I just put the above out there for you to consider. You can seek his advice on all the approaches.
