Today while driving in the car, he went off on a rant about how much he hates his job and that he will probably quit next week. He says he just can't stand it there any longer and will take a flunky job for awhile and work on his degree and then get back into the big buck market in about a year. I asked him if there was anything I could do to help and he said.."like I've been telling you all along, get a job" I told him I was trying and he said he knew that. I asked him if he wanted to stay here another winter, and he said no. I asked about health insc. and he said he would just have to be healthy. There was no mention of selling the house, no mention of my health insc., no mention of how we were going to make the house payment. It sounded like to me that he was going to quit and move in with her. She has a house, a good job and he has already told me she would take care of him until he was done with his degree.
So that leaves me, here alone, with no job and a house with bills. I'm guessing he is going to ask for a D so he can get his 1/2 of the equity while he works on his degree, thinks he won't have to pay alimony if he isn't working and lives with her. Who knows how long it will take to sell the house. That sort of shoots my idea of taking classes myself to get back into the job market.
I just don't know which way to turn anymore. I haven't said anything about her or our R since that night we had the wine. I have kept to myself and been pleasant. Maybe the damage is already done and he is too.
I wish even one of you guys were here to give me a hug..I just can't stop crying and he's out mowing the lawn. I can tell this isn't going to be a good day. He's going to tell me he wants a D..I just know it.
What do I do? Jack, Mach, eric, Tulsa, snodderly, PEI, Puppy, Grit..where are you guys?
He's mad and I don't know why. I haven't done anything or said anything. Why is this HAPPENING??!! I have been so in control of myself, finding my way, looking good, not pushing..and it doesn't matter one damn bit!! cuz he's mental...and is going to turn my life into a living hell.
If you believe nothing else believe that this will not be a quick fix.
You must take your focus off him and put it where it belongs, on you!
When he starts to rant and rave the best thing you can do is listen to him and validate. Do not ask any questions or defend yourself in any way. To do so will just get him riled up even more.
L, you didn't break him and you can't fix him. I know that is a hard concept to understand especially for us fixers.
Instead use that energy that would have been directed in helping your H and use it to help yourself. The only person you can control is yourself. Control your actions, and reactions. Hold your cards close to your vest and give him nothing that he can use to justify what he is doing.
Go about living your life and doing for you. Fly under the radar as far as your H is concerned.
Avoid R talks or any topic associated with it. If H brings up wanting to D, tell him that if he wants one then it be his D and that he will have to do all the work for it. Do not threaten him in any way, just try to stay calm and matter of fact. The less you say the better.
L, the one thing you have in this is time. Use it to work on yourself and fix those things that you don't like within yourself. Fix them for you, not for H.
One of our wise DBers (Cat) once told me to 'Be the change you want to see.'
Hang in there L, we're walking right beside you. You can do this!
There is nothing you can do about him or what he does. If he's angry, remove yourself and go out. Doesn't matter where. If he rants at you. tell him you'll talk with him later when things cool down.
I know you're panic. When my H left, I had a business that was in the tank (I closed it), no degree and two D's. I got a part-time job asap (that was all I could find at first) and then I did temp work (for 1 1/2 years in the same position) before I was hired as a regular. One of my D's went into crisis. I still don't have a degree and I take classes as I can. The job isn't great, but I'm working things the best I can. And, one wouldn't use "spring chicken" to describe me.
The best thing you can do is work on you. Do you have any goals set for yourself? Somedays, my goal was getting out of bed, so, I know where you are.
So, now that we know where you are, where do you want to be? Who do you want to be? Tell me the best things about you...
What makes you think that he's going to ask for a divorce? He may not. Why don't you have time on your side? Unless you live somewhere that states that a divorce can take place in 60 days, you've got more time than you think. You've got plenty of time to focus on what is important...
When you are attempting to make decisions in a panic and/or anger, step back and wait at least 24-48 hours before making decisions. You've got to make decisions in a calm manner.
Your husband is definitely in replay if he's talking about quitting his job and getting a different one. There is nothing you can do about him and his decisions. You can't control him nor can you convince him that what he's thinking of doing is wrong. BTW, they get angry and that anger is vented towards you and the world. They can't tell you why they are angry, but I think it's because they are not happy w/themselves or how their lives are going. Their crisis is all about them, i.e., how they feel, etc. You didn't break him, therefore, you can't fix him. He has to do this on his own.
We have advised you to take a look at your finances. Have yo done this? This is the first place to focus. If you have a joint account, move some of the funds over into a new account with only your name on it. If you have joint credit cards, get your name off of them. Do not believe a word that comes out of his mouth that he will take care of you. You will need to ensure that you are financially secure. As for health insurance, you need to start looking into that as well.
It is time that you focus on YOU and what you will need to do in order to survive the fallout of his crisis.
