My wife and I dated on & off for nearly 5 years before getting married. We broke up numerous times. The breakups were blamed on "commitment issues." She wanted to get married and I wasn't ready to make that commitment. I felt there was more I wanted to do in life. After not dating for some time, I realized that want I really wanted in life was her by my side. We got married much less than a year ago.
A little over two weeks ago she told me that she hates being married and feels it was the biggest mistake ever. We've talked about her unhappiness a few times over the last 2 weeks. I've deduced that the biggest problem with our marriage is horrible communication. We never once actually talked about our marriage. We just went through day to day, and I assumed everything was fine.
I work full time and run my own business on the side. When we were engaged, and through the beginning of the marriage, the side business was slow. But now things have drastically picked up. Looking back, I realize that I neglected her and our marriage. My number one priority was my work. I was always stressed and never made time for her or us. Even when I did allow time, I wasn't mentally in the moment and always talked about clients and worries of the business. She said that I’m cold, unaffectionate, and uncaring. I wouldn’t say that I’m that way all the time, but when I’m stressed I know I can be.
The day after she broke the news to me, I made an appointment with a counselor. This is something I've never done before... I asked her to come but she refused. The day before the session I asked again, stating that I'd like her to come to help me identify my problems and things that I can work on. She again refused.
Through conversation since then, she said that she won't go to counseling because she doesn't want to give me false hope that this can be worked out. On occasion, she's still said how much she loves me and that we're best friends, but something is missing. She said maybe that "something" was never there and that we had no business getting married in the first place. I explained that there must have been something if she agreed to get married.
I’ve shared my enlightenment about my business stresses causing me to push our marriage to the side. Unfortunately, she pointed out that I've made these same "discoveries" during our break-ups pre-marriage. I explained that this time is different and that the money and stress isn't worth it. I explained that I'm tired of not being around for my family and friends when they are in need. I explained to her that I've debating quitting the business for a few months and that I will be quitting it. (this is actually true, and not some rash decision, I did mention it to her briefly a few weeks ago). None of this seems to matter. She said that she doesn't know what to believe and that it's just more of the same cycles that we've been going through for years.
I told her that we've barely been married and that if this is the road it goes down, fine. But I'd at least like to say that we gave marriage the best shot we could. She said that we've been fighting for it for years even when we weren't married...
The turn of events is that I’m 99% positive she’s having an affair with a mutual “friend.” I have a list of evidence including odd cell phone behavior, he no longer contacts me… she purchased a bunch of new underwear, she doesn’t wear her ring, etc. Also, a couple days ago I also found a message to another friend that stated she's planning on not talking to me or the other guy for a week. She wants time to think and feels stuck. This really, really, bothers me. But despite this knowledge, I want to give our marriage a real shot. I don’t want to give in and get a divorce yet.
I haven’t brought this to her attention yet. I honestly think she knows that I know about the affair, or she thinks actually thinks that I’m clueless to the behaviors around me. We’re supposed to have dinner tomorrow. I’m thinking about bringing it up to her afterwards.
She spends very little time at home. For the first 1.5 weeks when she is here I just tried to make nice comments and be the person that I should've been. I focused on trying to do the projects around the house that should've been completed a year ago. The last few days, I’ve almost emotionally shut down around her. I’m tired of having the same conversation and feel it isn’t doing anything other than annoying her. I’ve just been “happy” around her and let her do most of the talking. I can tell that this confuses her, but I’m also afraid that it’s pushing her away further. I don’t want her to continue thinking that I’m cold and uncaring. All I want is a chance to be the husband I should've been all along.
She was home a little bit ago and started the conversation again. She said how much she misses me and how we really like each other. I gave her info for some counselors since she made a comment about maybe wanting to go by herself. She again repeated how she’s tired of the same cycle and doesn’t know what to do. I explained to her that things were great when we were going through the wedding planning, etc. because my business was slow and that we were actually checking in with each other. I said that we can work to bring that back. She told me that she just didn’t know if she cared to enough to go through it again. She hasn’t used the D word yet. She just keeps saying she doesn’t know what to do.
She also asked me to leave for a week. She said that she wants to spend a week away from everybody. She wants to stay at home by herself and try to figure out what to do since nobody can give the answers to the problems in her head. She said she has no where else to go. I told her that I also live here… she just asked if I preferred that she made a decision based completely on emotion with out any real thought. I told her I’d think about it and let her know tomorrow. I don’t want to upset her because I feel like it’ll push her away further, but at the same time, I live here too. I shouldn’t have to go stay with my parents…
Sorry for the long scattered post… there’s been so much going on over the past couple weeks that I have a hard time sorting it all out… I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don’t know how to call her out on the affair. I don’t know if I should call out the friend either… a part of me wants to publicly humiliate him. But at the same time, I don’t want to upset her.
