The protection.pdf is Penny Tupy's Overcoming Infidelity : Intervention and Protection Phases document I posted on a few threads earlier.
You have to understand CD that there are many family therapists out there. They do NOT all follow the same line as MWD does. Some FT actaully specialize in infidlity : Penny Tupy. W Harley, Shirley Glass, Spring as well has written a great book called After the Affair.
You can break down affair busting strategies into two main camps : Softball and hardball.
Sofbtall involves being the more inviting option. Not bringing up the affair, not arguing, not exposing the affair. The body of the work is on you and improving who you aer as a person hoping this will entice the WS back to the marriage after the affair has run its course.
Most softball approaches work from the assumption that infidelity is something under the spouses control that they can chose to end when they are prepared to do so.
Harball involves being the more inviting option, but from a different perspective. Affairs thrive on sex, secrecy, and emotional connection. By confronting your spouse about the affair, exposing the affair to friends and family who apply pressure to the WS to end their wrecklessness, even staging interventions much like for any other addiction you make the affair gradually over time a very embarassing and stressful mess. This strategy makes YOU the better option by taking away the excitement of the affair by attacking it directly.
Further, the hardball technique involves shutting your spouse OUT of your life while your exposure group does the pressure for you. The LBS would protect themsleves in silence effectively giving the WS a time out of the marriage.
Most hardball approaches work from the assumption that infidelity is an addiction. An addition that they are not in control of that requires a great deal of external pressure and painful doses of reality to shake the addiction enough to push the WS to consider attempting to end their affair.
CD, you have to decide when you get here on this forum what you are dealing with. Once you do that you have to decide what kind of strategy you want to take, hardball or softball.
I consistently advocate hardball. I tried softball myself for over a year and got no where.. You will find that a common occurance here : LBS who arrive here having tried LRT and other softball approaches only to be met by a brick wall that shows no signs of crumbling anytime soon.
You can combine approaches by workign on improving yourself and your life WHILE having your friends and family apply pressure on the WS to end the affair.
The main dividing line is on exposure or not. If you choose to attack teh affair and bring it to the light of day hoping this will apply pressure on the spouse to end the affair you are not playing softball anymore.
Many vistiors here will try both methods and end up with a mess. If you are giong to exopse, and invite family to get invovled, you really can't try to be the more attractive option at that point - you are bringing a world of upset on your WS (and rightly so). This will not in the short term make you a more attractive option.
The success rates vary for these strategies and are hard to measure as oftentimes LBS mix the two approches up or jump back and forth between them (not something I reccomend).
The protection.pdf is Penny Tupy's Overcoming Infidelity : Intervention and Protection Phases document I posted on a few threads earlier.
You have to understand CD that there are many family therapists out there. They do NOT all follow the same line as MWD does. Some FT actaully specialize in infidlity : Penny Tupy. W Harley, Shirley Glass, Spring as well has written a great book called After the Affair.
You can break down affair busting strategies into two main camps : Softball and hardball.
Sofbtall involves being the more inviting option. Not bringing up the affair, not arguing, not exposing the affair. The body of the work is on you and improving who you aer as a person hoping this will entice the WS back to the marriage after the affair has run its course.
Most softball approaches work from the assumption that infidelity is something under the spouses control that they can chose to end when they are prepared to do so.
Harball involves being the more inviting option, but from a different perspective. Affairs thrive on sex, secrecy, and emotional connection. By confronting your spouse about the affair, exposing the affair to friends and family who apply pressure to the WS to end their wrecklessness, even staging interventions much like for any other addiction you make the affair gradually over time a very embarassing and stressful mess. This strategy makes YOU the better option by taking away the excitement of the affair by attacking it directly.
Further, the hardball technique involves shutting your spouse OUT of your life while your exposure group does the pressure for you. The LBS would protect themsleves in silence effectively giving the WS a time out of the marriage.
Most hardball approaches work from the assumption that infidelity is an addiction. An addition that they are not in control of that requires a great deal of external pressure and painful doses of reality to shake the addiction enough to push the WS to consider attempting to end their affair.
CD, you have to decide when you get here on this forum what you are dealing with. Once you do that you have to decide what kind of strategy you want to take, hardball or softball.
I consistently advocate hardball. I tried softball myself for over a year and got no where.. You will find that a common occurance here : LBS who arrive here having tried LRT and other softball approaches only to be met by a brick wall that shows no signs of crumbling anytime soon.
You can combine approaches by workign on improving yourself and your life WHILE having your friends and family apply pressure on the WS to end the affair.
The main dividing line is on exposure or not. If you choose to attack teh affair and bring it to the light of day hoping this will apply pressure on the spouse to end the affair you are not playing softball anymore.
Many vistiors here will try both methods and end up with a mess. If you are giong to exopse, and invite family to get invovled, you really can't try to be the more attractive option at that point - you are bringing a world of upset on your WS (and rightly so). This will not in the short term make you a more attractive option.
The success rates vary for these strategies and are hard to measure as oftentimes LBS mix the two approches up or jump back and forth between them (not something I reccomend).
I've posted this to two other people today, and I can't believe the simplicity of it hasn't ever struck me before:
----------------------------------------
I'm sorry, but I think you're being naive. Check out my # of posts -- I've been here six years (counting my prior time as "Chocolateeyes") and have studied literally THOUSANDS of affairs. I've simply never seen the "Little Bo-Peep" approach work. You leave them alone, and they WON'T come home, wagging their tails behind them.
Affairs are ADDICTIONS. Google "PEA brain love lust addiction" and do some research on it. And then try to name for me ONE other type of addiction -- gambling, alcohol, drugs, sexual addiction, ANYTHING -- that dies its own natural death if you leave it alone.
You can't.
In fact, nearly all begin to ESCALATE, as the addict needs a stronger and stronger rush to get their "fix."
I just spent a good hour on her site reading and saving some reading material.
Honestly, I find the logic and straighforward approach from her refreshing and action oriented.
My concern is it appears overkill in some places. I certainly have reservations about full-on exposure to everyone. That seems a little over the top escpecially since she is not flaunting it yet.
On the other hand, I cannot see any evidence that the A is waning. In fact, it's getting bolder and more intense. So PDT had suggested a little "Hope it's worth it....things will be very different when you return" Infidelus Interuptus text as they head out of town Wednesday.
I'm sure a confrontation will ensue when she returns. And I'm preparing for that.
The level of exposure may only extend as far as her mom; OM email; and perhaps their place of co-work.
Predicting a meltdown and she will be asked to go live with him, then. I go completely dark. Let the Attraction element in her go into overdrive and the tension in the A skyrocket.
I will get a mediator on board and prepare the Protection element of a Sep Agreement (all other details to follow as required) e.g. Interim Banking arrangements/obligations and shared joint custody.
I would love to hear anything else you recommend for me.
CD you have to assess that on a case by case basis.
I only reccomend exposure to parties that may apply some pressure to end the affair.
This may involve OM and OM family if that will embarass OM...
THe idea is take the EXCITEMENT and SECRECY OUT of the affair and exchange that for STRESS and SCANDAL instead... The safety of the publically respectable marriage and family looks a lot more attractive than being part of a stressful scandal.
Many spouses will ENABLE the addiction by keeping the affair secret.. WOrried that the WS will be LESS attracted to you for getting family involved...
I say nonsense... No alcoholic likes having somone lock the liquior cabinet on them and exposing their bad habits to family in the hopes it will help end it.
And Pupper is right on the ball there... If this IS an addiction.. I won't end on its own.. Your wife will bottom out or be pressured to end it by you and family.
Very few affair couples who run off with each other make it long term.. the affair can't survive in reality... Both affair members are immature for having the affair and it takes maturity to make a LONG TERM relationship work... you can't survive with out that...
Most affair couples fall apart before they manage to grow up... but that can take YEARS to run its course... I reccomend attacking it directly instead of waiting that out...
SeeingRed has been waiting over three years... using softball approaches.. the affiar is JUST NOW showing signs of wavering... I don't know many on this forum who have the stomach to fight for three years...
I don't have that kind of time to add to the waste already and my D doesn't need to be dragged through it til she's 5.
I'm hoping the Interruptus and the changes to the attitude and game when she returns will create some friction for them and put the control back in my hands. I'm TAKING upper hand along the lines of QS. (Been watching and learning there, too)
I've posted this to two other people today, and I can't believe the simplicity of it hasn't ever struck me before:
----------------------------------------
I'm sorry, but I think you're being naive. Check out my # of posts -- I've been here six years (counting my prior time as "Chocolateeyes") and have studied literally THOUSANDS of affairs. I've simply never seen the "Little Bo-Peep" approach work. You leave them alone, and they WON'T come home, wagging their tails behind them.
Affairs are ADDICTIONS. Google "PEA brain love lust addiction" and do some research on it. And then try to name for me ONE other type of addiction -- gambling, alcohol, drugs, sexual addiction, ANYTHING -- that dies its own natural death if you leave it alone.
You can't.
In fact, nearly all begin to ESCALATE, as the addict needs a stronger and stronger rush to get their "fix."
Since whistles are YOUR thing, here's MINE:
\0/ \0/ \0/ (Three cheers!) Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
QS yes is definitely taking a hardball approach.. He ain't sitting around smiling and hoping her wife will just come to her senses... He's clearly identified an addiction in play and he's dealing with it as one.
