Training for a Marathon, Hoping for a Sprint

[lookin4support]

So, here is my situation and what has happened in the last few weeks. On June 23, my wife of 24 years informed me that she had been involved with OM for approximately six weeks. Prior to that, she had been involved in what I believe was an EA with him for several months. That night she moved from our home into his. She says she still loves me and wants me to be her best friend, but she wants to try to make it work with him. I asked her to go to MC and she refused. I asked her to go to a friend’s place instead of his and she refused. Two days later, I packed all her stuff and was ready to take it to her when I called a Christian MC and talked through my actions with him. He talked me down, which I feel is what I wanted and gave me some ideas. I met her that day and asked her to come home unconditionally. An offer she refused, but she did say she would go to counseling. Our first MC went ok, and the C recommended individual counseling which she refused. Last Thursday, we met again and the C went into attack mode on her and now all C is off for her. I start IC in a week.

During the past two weeks, she has contacted me daily and I have gone to her workplace most days to see her at her request. I have told her I forgive her and she doesn’t understand how or why I would do that. I used the Prodigal Son as the example for my attitude toward what has happened (is happening) in our lives. So now, I am buckling in for what appears to be a long wait on her. I have told her that I am willing to wait days, weeks, months or years, because my love for her is that strong and our M means that much to me. I have to say though, the waiting really is the hardest part. I am reading a couple of Christianity-based books (How to Save Your Marriage Alone and Hope for the Separated) and have ordered DB, so I am educating myself on this process.

The background issue is the death of our 23 year old son in October of last year that we dealt with together and I thought we were doing well. She has said that we share a sadness that she feels a need to escape and she is just trying to find a way to be happy. Any words of encouragement or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. The letter from David in “While Your Spouse Decides” from the DB home page has become daily reading for inspiration as I take this path.

[Greek]

Oh boy, Looking ~ I am so very sorry for your family's loss. I cannot imagine. I pray for any and all comforts you can find! Blessings! Prayers!

Your W - talk about someone who wants to escape PAIN! And who can blame her, but this is not the way. But my goodness, I can imagine the desperation is unimaginable...for both of you.

I wish your MC would not have talked you out of packing and delivering her stuff to OM's place. I think that would have been a good move, to bring her things to her there and deliver this message: "W, you have made your decision to leave our home and go to OM's bed. I have decisions to make, too. I will be interviewing lawyers first thing tomorrow morning to help me settle the legal aspects of our divorce. I will not wait for you to change your mind. You have made a definite move and I will now take my steps into a new future, too."

Then go dark on her. Don't take her calls. You are too busy. Don't go to see her when she asks you, too. That was something you would have been happy to do when you were a couple, but Looking, she is sleeping with another man at this time - you are not a couple. By you seeing her, taking her calls, talking with her, doing whatever you are doing now - she gets to have her new man lover and her old man BFF. Cut her off. Let her really feel the impact of the choice she has made. Most times what we find in these cases is that the WAS doesn't really like the reality of this. It doesn't align with the fantasy. But she'll never know - you'll never know - if you let her have it both ways.

Meantime for you - GAL. Go out and do the things YOU like. Take a hobby/activity that you used to do. Start one you've always wanted to try. Find old friends. Socialize. Take care of YOU. Improve. Grow.

Greek

[lookin4support]

I understand the position you are taking and for some people that might be the right answer. In my case, that response does not align with the way that I believe God wants me to handle this. Two very different approaches, but I think each has some validity based upon the individuals and the circumstances leading up to the problem.

[Greek]

I will never argue with what someone believes God is leading them to do.

Question: What are you waiting for? How do you believe it will come about?

Greek

[lookin4support]

I am waiting for the moral and spiritual beliefs she has followed her whole life to lead her back to our marriage. That is going to come when her heart softens and she realizes that the infatuation the OM feels is not comparable to the depth of love that our relationship holds. She has chosen the path she is on right now, but some of her comments and actions to this point already show that she questions whether it is the right choice.

The death of our son has caused her to question the very basis of her belief system. As a result, she has made some choices she wouldn't have made prior to that. It is hard to explain, but I was where she is now with her faith and you rationalize why you should be able to do what you want. In the end, I think she will come to her senses.

[Greek]

I met her that day and asked her to come home unconditionally.

In what way "unconditionally"?

During the past two weeks, she has contacted me daily and I have gone to her workplace most days to see her at her request. I have told her I forgive her and she doesn’t understand how or why I would do that. I used the Prodigal Son as the example for my attitude toward what has happened (is happening) in our lives.

This is a good story, Prodigal Son. What did the father do all of those years his son was out squandering resources? He didn't wait. He got on with his life.

So now, I am buckling in for what appears to be a long wait on her.

It's called Limbo. Do a search on this site and read the posts about Limbo.

I have told her that I am willing to wait days, weeks, months or years, because my love for her is that strong and our M means that much to me.

Believe it or not - most women prefer their man FIGHT for their marriages, rather than WAIT for them. It shows strength, self respect, confidence. Waiting is, well, just waiting.

I am reading a couple of Christianity-based books (How to Save Your Marriage Alone and Hope for the Separated) and have ordered DB, so I am educating myself on this process.

Love Must Be Tough by Dobson.

Read Puppy Dog Tails's thread (formerly Chocolateyes) and definitely read TulsaTime's latest thread. Read Coach, too. I can tell you first hand, Coach was not waiting around for his W to come home...and he won her back (thanks, God!).

Greek

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I am waiting for the moral and spiritual beliefs she has followed her whole life to lead her back to our marriage. That is going to come when her heart softens and she realizes that the infatuation the OM feels is not comparable to the depth of love that our relationship holds.

L4S,

You need to do some studying on the chemical aspects of affairs. Physiologically, your wife's brain is awash with PEAs right now, and she simply WON'T soften on her own. She must first be separated from the source of her addiction (OM) before she'll be receptive to anything you're doing.

I too am a Christian, and believe in the sanctity of marriage and the "for worse" part of the "for better or for worse" that we each spoke in our vows. I prayed for my wife DAILY during her affair three years ago, and I truly believe that God rescued her from its throes.

But He did it thru ME, and the other people in my life, who bravely stood up to her and applied pressure.

I'm sorry, but I think you're being naive. Check out my # of posts -- I've been her six years (counting my prior time as "Chocolateeyes") and have studied literally THOUSANDS of affairs. I've simply never seen the "Little Bo-Peep" approach work. You leave them alone, and they WON'T come home, wagging their tails behind them.

Affairs are ADDICTIONS. Google "PEA brain love lust addiction" and do some research on it. And then try to name for me ONE other type of addiction -- gambling, alcohol, drugs, sexual addiction, ANYTHING -- that dies its own natural death if you leave it alone.

You can't.

In fact, nearly all begin to ESCALATE, as the addict needs a stronger and stronger rush to get their "fix."

I'm very sorry for the loss of your son, by the way, and now that you're having to go thru this. I cannot even imagine.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I met her that day and asked her to come home unconditionally.

As a Christian, I'd like you to consider two things, L4S:

1. Yes, Jesus said to "turn the other cheek," but He also knew when it was right to throw over the moneychangers' tables.

2. Yes, Jesus forgave the harlot, but He also told her to "Go and sin no more." That was a CONDITION; His call to her for holiness and repentance.

We can LOVE our spouses unconditionally (and we are called to), but that doesn't mean we are to allow them to behave without boundaries in their conduct towards us and our children. There are all sorts of behaviors that we (correctly) wouldn't abide in our homes, marriages and families.

Puppy

[lookin4support]

Thanks to both of you for your responses. I need to hear from those who disagree with my chosen approach so I can see the potential pitfalls. Please don't hesitate to make your point. I understand that we all have the same goal here and will not be offended by anything you have to offer.

[lookin4support]

Might as well throw this out there to get some input as well. She has a five day work trip scheduled for the end of this month that I was going on with her. She has asked me if I will still go and my inclination is to do so.

Thoughts?