New here, not sure where to start

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The "affair" that the MLCer is dealing with is not all sexual, per se, it is emotional. They are out there looking for affirmation and validation of their self worth, something they didn't get as a child. If you notice, most of the affair partners are not what they would normally choose to be with. They are usually not of the same class, i.e., they are not overly attractive, dress trashy, drink, etc. The affair partner is generally the opposite of their spouse.

Please keep in mind that the affair of a MLCer is not a true addiction. Why? Because they weren't in affairs pre MLC and many instances, will cease once the crisis is over. Once the MLCer works through the issues that have triggered the crisis, the affair should eventually go away. The affair is driven by the depression. People in depression self medicate to make themselves feel better, just as alcoholics, etc. do. One key here, in many instances, the affair partner is dropped after the crisis is over and they do eventually find someone to live w/for the rest of their lives and do not commit adultery again. Those that remain stuck in crisis, will continue to search for the ellusive happiness forever.

The affair of a MLCer does need to die a natural death. They have to become tired and weary of each other, i.e., removal of the rose colored glasses to see the warts, deception of each other. The more you try to pull them apart, the stronger the determination will be to stay together. This will continue until one or both become too demanding/controlling, etc. They have to end it, not us. The more we get involved in trying to end the affair, the longer it will take for your spouse to focus on his/her issues because they will be focusing entirely too much on what we are doing and not on what they need to be doing.

The MLCer will hit bottom. Just as others self medicate w/alchohol and drugs....they have to hit bottom on their own. No matter how much help we offer them, they have to be the ones to determine when they've had enough. We can attempt counseling, medication, etc., the MLCer may go once or twice to make us think that they are on board with getting help, but in their minds, it's to help us to better understand that they are not coming back.

It took me a very long time to understand the affairs of a MLCer and the addiction affairs of people not in crisis mode. I've witnessed a number of MLCers in crisis and if their spouses took them back, they never strayed again. Their relationships became more meaningful and their marriages were better than before the crisis. Addiction? No...MLC/Identity Crisis...someone searching to find themselves along the way who needed to go back in time and discover those things that they thought they had missed out on and face and accept that they were not at fault for the way their parents/authority figures treated them.