horrible, horrible, horrible sex!!!!! horrible! so bad that i couldn't even have an orgasm!! so bad that my mind was so focused on my wife's face filled with misery that i just couldn't have an orgasm!.....
....she didn't even want me to give her an orgasm, let alone not touch her down there!
.....you tell me what i should now do.
...i can tell you that she will not discuss this issue tomorrow, that she will simply sweep it under the rug, and act like nothing happened waiting for august to come, for her period to come, so the pieces can be reset, and all will be forgotten, and she can get her monthly maintenance.
....tomorrow, i want to throw michele's book at her and tell her to start reading it, because if things don't change, i will start making other plans for my future--a future without her.
....i've been trying my damnest to correct any flaws she thinks i have (not being assertive enough; not being a teamplayer with her as a parent;not doing enough with the kids' schoolwork/homework/projects and other responsibilities they have to deal with in school, like forms,and other paper items).
....and that's all i basically do all of the time: take care of her aches and pains. i give her back rubs, massages of all sorts, and she is still miserable. it's not like i dismiss her of these insignificant pains, but i just can't always be supportive because these are just too trivial.
The emotional pain I suffered associated with ML to my wife last year caused me to start faking orgasms, just to get it over with so I could calm down and sleep. And that was by an HD man who needed more sex. I understand your pain. You have every right to be angry and frustrated.
I would like to share a few things that helped me. First I realized that "I needed to be responsible for my sexual happiness, and not rely upon my wife." The book No More Mr. Nice Guy was very eye opening to me. I strongly suggest you get it and read it. You sound very much like a "nice guy" and that is a real problem in a sexual relationship.
Transforming from a "nice guy" is not becoming a self-centered jerk, it is about becoming a more integrated person who understands that he (you) have needs that require being met and going about making sure that your needs are met in a variety of ways.
You need to take responsibility for your happiness, sexual, physical, emotional. I would also advise you against an affair. If it comes to that, wait until you are in a trail separation prior to getting your divorce finalized or better yet wait until you are a single man as it won't be an affair then. You can serve as a role model to your children on how to behave.
Next, and this is probably the most difficult hurdle to cross, as much as she has caused you pain, you need to forgive her and let go of your anger toward her. If possible you need to work on letting go of your anger and showing her love and friendship. Your anger is ultimately going to hurt you and keep you from gaining happiness.
Than means not throwing the book SSM at her and issuing her ultimatums. It means telling her that you value your relationship and would like to rebuild it and think that discussing the SSM book might help with that goal of yours. If she blows you off, just let it go as it is her loss. You tried, you showed her love and she will be the one that has to deal with the consequences of her actions later.
Ultimately if you divorce her, she is and always will be the mother of your children. That means that no matter how badly she has treated you, the two of you will need to socially interact at times. For the sake of your children, you should try to figure out a relationship with her that doesn't involve open hate or anger. Letting go of your anger and figuring out how to establish a friendship with her will help a lot if you don't end up divorcing her, but rebuild your marriage.
As such, try to let go of your anger, as much as it may be valid, and give her some consistent love in her primary languages of love. In the mean time get some life goals and work toward them (GAL per No More Mr Nice Guy) and show her that you are a different, strong, vibrant man that any woman would be proud to be associated with. You are no longer her servant, but a man.
There is a section in the Five Languages of Love, where a woman asks Chapman what can she do if she really hates her husband. In the most scripture intense part of the book, Chapman who knows that the woman is a devote Christian, reminds her of the story from the bible about loving one's enemy. Ultimately, the woman even though she feels that her husband is her enemy and hates him, shows him unconditional love. It changes his attitude toward her and saves their marriage.
You are not being treated well by your wife. However, you need to let go of your anger. You also need to work on "getting a life" and focusing on taking charge of bringing happiness into your life. Use your energy to find things that make you happy. Allow your wife to change with you and be supportive of her and show her love and friendship.
You might also want to read up on 180's as MDW and her books, including the SSM, is one of the few authors that discuss this important topic.
Good luck
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
