We haven't had sex since he started screwing her so STD is a non issue. He told me he didn't use a condom so he will need to get tested before we resume relations. Ya, like that's ever gonna happen.
He has also told me that he thinks it's an addiction and that it's exciting and dangerous, etc. But that he really didn't like the double life and sneaking and lying. He compartmentalized to be able to do it and still be around me without caving in.
He wants to go to the fair today..but it's going to be really hot and humid so I think i'm going to tell him I don't want to do that. I have some things I'd rather do at home. I'd rather give myself a lobotomy than walk around with him at the fair gawking at all the slutty skanky bitch@@s just because they're skinny.
It's weird the different moods an LBS has from day to day. After reading the stuff you guys write..I'm getting to a point where I don't give a sh$$ what he does. If he thinks calling her and texting her and sneaking around is what floats his boat..then he can do it. He can go and be with her too if that's what he thinks he needs to do. She isn't even half the wonderful person that I am and if he can't see that then F him. I'm mad today, it seems..mad and just plain tired..tired of dealing with this crap. I also feel like just crying my eyes out because it's so frustrating not to be able to reason with him and don't understand how he can think his behavior is ok.
I'll take your advice and not do anything. Not say anything. Just pretend like everything is all happy happy. I wouldn't have made much of a living being an actress, i'm afraid. I'm too honest. I just want to shake him awake.
This sucks worse than anything that has EVER happened to me in my whole 53 years. Even worse than growing up with no parents. Worse than having my first H be a cheating letch and alcoholic. He was such a great guy..my knight in shining armour.
No one is telling you to pretend that everything is all happy, happy. You are going to have days when everything sucks, experience those feelings, allow them to wash over you and move on once they have passed.
I would advise you to do the following:
1. read and educate yourself on MLC and depression 2. leave the ow alone, stop bringing her up in conversations 3. no relationship talks right now 4. you cannot3 control or manipulate him or the affair 5. allow the affair to die a natural death on its own 6. focus on you and your family 7. find things to do to keep you busy 8. work on you 9. get yourself checked out by a physician (I wouldn't take his word on what he said about the sexual relations issues) 10. live your life to the fullest
Above all else, I wouldn't believe anything that he told me until he fully wakes up and the ow is completely gone, i.e., no calls, texting or seeing her. He would have to prove to you that he loved you and wanted to return to the marriage. He has a lot of work to do and until he can do that, I would look at him as a roommate and live my life to the fullest.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
He can take all the time he needs to get thru the MCL. I can't stand the sneaking around, the lying, his playing me for a fool, talking about it, worrying about it, thinking about it.
Ummm. That's what MLC looks like, if you mean the first sentence, then get used to the second. THIS is why you must DETACH. THIS is why you must GAL. Your posts are all about H, all about OW ... you are obsessing. Only you can control and stop this behaviour - YOUR behaviour.
Just for the record, I agree that A's are addictions, I just also believe that coupled with the other symptoms of MLC that a different approach may be warrented, if saving the marriage is the outcome you're looking for. If you are prepared to live with the possible consequences of the strict addiction approach, that's your choice as well. Remember, none of this ... none of the approaches or advice are guarenteed to save your marriage. Over here in MLC, it's why we focus on saving YOU. Your marriage might just be lucky enough to be the by-product of that rescue effort.
Taylor, do nothing. Calm down and get control of yourself and your emotions. You are going to HAVE emotions, but you do not have to BEHAVE based on them. This does not mean you pretend anything is A-OK ...
I agree re the STD tests, do not trust that he told you when the PA started. Protect yourself, your health, your finances. If you're right you've had a rather embarrassing test, if you're wrong you can potentially catch and treat a dangerous STD. What do you have to lose?
This sucks. No two ways about it. Feel the anger, release it in a constructive way, and get the focus back on YOU.
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Um, if one believes that affairs are addictions, then how does it follow to "leave them alone, and let them die a natural death?"
Can anyone give me a SINGLE other addiction -- gambling, sexual addiction, alcohol, drugs -- that "dies a natural death" if you leave it alone? Don't most, in fact, ESCALATE as the addict needs a stronger and stronger high in order to get their fix??
The "affair" that the MLCer is dealing with is not all sexual, per se, it is emotional. They are out there looking for affirmation and validation of their self worth, something they didn't get as a child. If you notice, most of the affair partners are not what they would normally choose to be with. They are usually not of the same class, i.e., they are not overly attractive, dress trashy, drink, etc. The affair partner is generally the opposite of their spouse.
Please keep in mind that the affair of a MLCer is not a true addiction. Why? Because they weren't in affairs pre MLC and many instances, will cease once the crisis is over. Once the MLCer works through the issues that have triggered the crisis, the affair should eventually go away. The affair is driven by the depression. People in depression self medicate to make themselves feel better, just as alcoholics, etc. do. One key here, in many instances, the affair partner is dropped after the crisis is over and they do eventually find someone to live w/for the rest of their lives and do not commit adultery again. Those that remain stuck in crisis, will continue to search for the ellusive happiness forever.
The affair of a MLCer does need to die a natural death. They have to become tired and weary of each other, i.e., removal of the rose colored glasses to see the warts, deception of each other. The more you try to pull them apart, the stronger the determination will be to stay together. This will continue until one or both become too demanding/controlling, etc. They have to end it, not us. The more we get involved in trying to end the affair, the longer it will take for your spouse to focus on his/her issues because they will be focusing entirely too much on what we are doing and not on what they need to be doing.
The MLCer will hit bottom. Just as others self medicate w/alchohol and drugs....they have to hit bottom on their own. No matter how much help we offer them, they have to be the ones to determine when they've had enough. We can attempt counseling, medication, etc., the MLCer may go once or twice to make us think that they are on board with getting help, but in their minds, it's to help us to better understand that they are not coming back.
It took me a very long time to understand the affairs of a MLCer and the addiction affairs of people not in crisis mode. I've witnessed a number of MLCers in crisis and if their spouses took them back, they never strayed again. Their relationships became more meaningful and their marriages were better than before the crisis. Addiction? No...MLC/Identity Crisis...someone searching to find themselves along the way who needed to go back in time and discover those things that they thought they had missed out on and face and accept that they were not at fault for the way their parents/authority figures treated them.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sorry, Snodderly, I respect your work here, I really do, but I'm unconvinced.
First of all, you start making your case with the assumption that an emotional affair is somehow less damaging, less deep, or less addictive than a physical affair. Simply NOT TRUE (I'd refer you to read "NOT Just Friends," by Shirley Glass, the definitive book on EAs, if you haven't already read it). Especially for women, the deep emotional connection of an EA is usually harder to break than a PA, and it's HIGHLY addictive. Just ask some of the women who post here regularly (Sandi2 comes to mind) who used to be in EAs, and they'll tell you how addicted they were to the rush of their OM.
Secondly, this:
Quote:
Please keep in mind that the affair of a MLCer is not a true addiction. Why? Because they weren't in affairs pre MLC and many instances, will cease once the crisis is over.
strikes me as a "chicken-and-the-egg" situation. I can just as easily make the case that the physiological things that are happening in a cheater's brain have as much to do with their "identity crisis" as you can the other way around. And if they end their infidelity once their crisis is over, might it be because the addict has been separated from the source of their addiction?
Finally, this:
Quote:
The affair of a MLCer does need to die a natural death. They have to become tired and weary of each other, i.e., removal of the rose colored glasses to see the warts, deception of each other. The more you try to pull them apart, the stronger the determination will be to stay together.
Yes, their determination may be stronger, but the theory is that the MYSTIQUE is gone, and since affairs thrive on secrecy and mystique, you bust that and you're 3/4ths of the way home.
Look, like I said, reasonable people (even infidelity authors) can differ on whether or not affairs are addictions. I'm just saying that if you believe they ARE, then I don't see how it can follow that they will "die their own natural death," since empirically, I see no other evidence of ANY other kind of addiction that does so.
If you notice, most of the affair partners are not what they would normally choose to be with. They are usually not of the same class, i.e., they are not overly attractive, dress trashy, drink, etc. The affair partner is generally the opposite of their spouse.
Yes, very typical -- AGREED. Still, this has nothing to do with how addictive the pull of this "lesser" affair partner is.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
The whole MLC/addiction thing is a difficult thing for me. My H is not having a PA with one person - but he's been sleeping around with strangers - and has been labeled by a counselor has having an addiction or compulsivity. I think that these behaviors began really around when his MLC started. There are a lot of similarities between the behaviors of addicts and MLCrs. Ultimately the MLCrs' reality is not in sync with the rest of the worlds'.
I don't know which is more painful - an H who is involved in an affair or an H who sleeps with strangers. I've asked myself quite often - "if he was so unhappy with me wouldn't he have looked for someone to replace me?" - but then I think he must hate me so much that he's done these heinous things to me as punishment. Then I just think of him as lost.
Read all of the same books - one really good one is titled "Deceived" by Claudia Black - I think it is the best one around.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
