when the d-bomb was dropped, it was like a knife was shoved in me. when he took the initiative to sell the house without having prior discussions with me about it, it was like another knife in me. when he tried to take charge of division of household goods, it was like another dig at me to get me riled up. when his l sent my l a letter, i got antsy - (omg, it's really happening but i wanted to save my m. etc.) when i received his financial statements and saw the ridiculous claims, i got antsy again - (omg, i didn't claim anything of his and here he is claiming every gift that belongs to me?! you know you can't do this and your l allowed this?! my legal team laughed at his financial statement because it was THAT stupid.)
when i get antsy, i lose sleep, i can't eat, and i can't think. i end up in this jekyll and hyde state and it shows in my posts.
each time, it was because i was caught off guard. i don't want to be caught off guard anymore. i don't want to react the way i did in the previous bombs. my dear mom is finally feeling a sense of calm in me. i don't look as worn or grey as i did when she last saw me. she can see that i'm doing much better, gaining some weight, and my face is no longer sickly pale.
i do not want to go back to that low state. in order to do that, i might as well get the ball rolling on the d papers and file myself. it may not be what i wanted. but it's better than sitting here wondering when the next bomb will drop. i'm tired of living like this. i've gotten myself to a reasonable state that i don't want anything to ruin it.
