What if she was bringing those childhood Christmas items to your home to share that part of his life with you? Your mind reading went to the destructive end of the spectrum when you assigned her motive. She may have indeed been reaching out. However - neither of us knows that - only she does.
yes, that is entirely possible. and my mind reading leaned heavily on the negative side. i don't think i ever gave her the benefit of the doubt.
i mentioned in my post above that i saw my FIL's passion in his stamp collection. i would have been honoured to continue building his passion.
my MIL wanted me to inherit and maintain things that i saw were general knick knacks and she didn't show any passion in these items - except that they were from her mother (h's grandmother). and again, it has nothing to do with the value of the items. some of the items my MIL wanted us to inherit were of value but i guess i didn't see the history and work behind these items that it made me not appreciate them as much as i probably should have.
i was preoccupied with wanting to start our (my h and i) traditions that i was disrespectful of his family traditions.
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I recalled the things my MIL had said and done to me over 20+ years and decided that unwarranted cruelty like that must come from a hurting person. I put myself in her shoes and really tried to see it her from her side, with her hurts and scars and possible fears - gave her the benefit of the doubt in a lot of areas (b/c I'm kind) - and over time, I have come to see that her bad treatment of me is not about ME. It's about something else - who knows - but it's not my problem. No more anger. Compassion.
the thing is, i don't have to mind read to know that my mil is hurting. i don't talk much about my h's sister. but he has an older sister who has been estranged from the family for about 5 yrs now. she cheated on her husband with a sleaze bag (drug & gambling addiction, w/criminal record, fraud, etc). and she got pregnant. my mil has longed for grandchildren and she has never seen this child. the child is 4 yrs old now and has never seen his grandmother. my mil also has to listen to her friends talk about all the mother-daughter stuff they do. she has nothing to contribute because her daughter doesn't want anything to do with her. my h wanted me to be the surrogate daughter. and at times, i did. i would take her shopping for clothes. i may not have been patient with her when she was here at christmas, but i was patient with her at the stores while she was trying on clothes. i wouldn't do a half-a$$ job either. i genuinely picked out styles and colours that i felt suited her. but i do see the hurt in her. it must be terrible to lose a daughter like that and have to listen to your friends talk endlessly about the mother-daughter activities they do.
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I have been able to use this experiential knowledge (replacing anger with compassion) in all areas of my life - my work, my children, my H, my friends, my sibs, people who cut me off in traffic, people on this forum... It's liberating.
i'm still working on being compassionate towards my h. i can start to open my eyes on my ILs side. but my h? i don't know.
this week, i had the strong urge to file for d. i don't want to sit here and wait for the papers to be served to me. i want to take control and go file myself. i will serve him instead. back in jan/feb he was adamant that d was the only way and he wanted out. ok. so where are the papers? 7 months later, where are the papers? i want them. i don't want to be surprised later on. i'm waiting for the dear john letter where he tells me he is no longer in love with me. i scoured the house looking for this dear john letter when he moved out.
please give it to me so i can move on. let it be the final nail in the coffin.
