lauraoh, i wish i had met you before all of this. you're absolutely right. there will be difficult people in your life and i should have handled things better.
i think i was extremely hard on my ILs. and in some ways, i imposed MY way of things on them - which is to be independent, self-sufficient, and have a desire to constantly learn.
since i am keeping up my end of the bargain, i'll talk about things from my perspective.
my MIL is a retired teacher. and because she was a teacher, i held her to a higher standard. as a teacher, you encourage your students to learn as much as they can. she often did not want to learn something for fear it would make her look bad or embarrass her. nobody ever gets something right the first time. you will make mistakes and it's okay. you get back up and you keep trying. but she would not even try. we would go for chinese and she would not use chopsticks. nor would she learn in the privacy of her own home. she feared she would drop the food in front of us. but really, who cares? we never gave her a hard time about it. we would tell her that it was no big deal and that practice makes perfect. but she was so self conscious that she wouldn't even try. and i always thought "you're a teacher! a good teacher encourages her students to learn and not give up when they make a mistake or fail at something. how could be a teacher and not do as you would say?" even as a mother, you should encourage your kids to learn and never give up. what kind of example are you setting? and i had little respect for her in that sense. this is where i impose my way of things on her. i strive to be the best in my profession and i expected her to do the same.
i actually really liked my FIL. he had his quirks and his red-neck style didn't always mesh with this good girl from the big city. but he was a wealth of knowledge and he was constantly learning about new things, and reading great books. i could have endless discussions with him about history, economics. i took a genuine interest in his stamp collection. not because it was worth something. but because i saw how much passion he had in it. and my h wasn't the least bit interested in it. i think my FIL was happy that i took an interest in stamps because he had planned on leaving it with my h after he passes. this way, someone will continue to build the collection and not just sell it to some dealer. my FIL respected me as a person.
however, things are now completely different. i'm now the family enemy who just married their son for his money. at least, that is what they perceive. they've asked for reimbursement on wedding expenses that they've incurred willingly on their own.
it saddens me to see this happen. i can't fix this now because if i contact my ILs, they would simply address me with a profanity charged tirade on how i am a spawn of satan. this isn't mind reading. this is what my h has told me and warned me not to contact his parents.
this is probably the first post where i did not tear into my ILs. that is how i really felt about them. i didn't hate them but i admit, i didn't handle the situation as mature as i could have.
it is no excuse that there were unresolved issues between my h and i prior to their arrival. and i should have separated the two things. but i let them get intertwined and the unresolved anger i had towards my h was not hidden as well as i thought. and it got directed towards my ILs.
i was so hurt by what my h said about not having confidence in my ability to handle motherhood. and the lack of compassion he showed when i told him how hurt i was. i couldn't have made it any more clear how hurt i was. and when he didn't apologize and had no inkling of sympathy, i couldn't hide it. i did for the first week his parents were here but by the second week, it started oozing out of my pores.
i understand now that you don't have to have a shouting match or big argument to show your anger. sometimes it shows when you dont even know it.
sorry to get all self-reflective. your post made me think and i had to put it in writing.
