C at one point last night asked me why I wanted to stay with someone that is abusive. I said because I have "hope" that things will change. He asked where I got that "hope" from and I quoted my favorite scripture:
Romans 5:3
We rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character, and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us.
What I WANTED to say (but couldn't, because my H didn't know I saw him on my own while H was gone) was I also have HOPE becaus the FIREPLACE that YOU told me to GET RID OF is gone, and it was a HUGE positive!! He has been letting me do other projects!! I have HOPE because of this!
My sis-in-law says I should call him and let him know. Maybe if he knew what a huge step forward I've had he would feel differently.
It may not change your C's mind but he would see that you are indees doing the work. Still, what about your H? What work has he done? Just wondering out loud.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Except...he has given me the OK to do a few more projects. This is a positive to me, because he is FINALLY letting me finish the baseboard that has been undone, and has tripped us, and my son has lost a TOENAIL on it, for 6 years.
I have been focusing on myself, don't you worry. I have taken a class this summer, have been having fun with the little Russian girl, connected with old friends and my sister in lawhave found a wonderful church that does mission work--I have been (up until the C thing) MORE happy and MORE ALIVE than I have been in years!!
A momentary setback is all this is--I hade a 3 hour ride on the horses today, have my class and presentation tonight (nervous, but can handle it). And when my H took my son today and I told him NO MORE, he sheepishly said they would come home tonight and he wanted him to go to the Dr. with him. I didn't know he was going to the Dr. He has exzema and it is flaring up awful. Stress can do that to a person I hear...
Sorry, but I haven't. She stuck with me through all of it. I remember there were times that I didn't know how I was going to make it to the next week without her. Gradually we moved to once a month and then we both knew it was time to stop. My then H actually went a couple times with me, but it really just gave her some perspective to work off of becasue he wasn't trying anything to fix us. He actually told me he would die without his affair partner. He should have done the honorable thing and died then, IMHO. lol
Maybe you should just go to the C for you.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Hey Kat, did your ex H stay with his affair partner? I do a lot of lurking over in infedelity, and didn't realize that the chances of them staying with the OP is pretty slim (my dad and stepmother started out as an affair--and it seems there is a less than 1% of this working out!).
So, everyone tells me I need to call the C and explain what happened after I got the advice--and pretty much things have been ? positive? around here? Went to the beach on Tues with S and Marina--those two nearly drowned by that is another story!
And then yesterday we got the wall and baseboards finished. I am trying to initiate "communication" still and this a.m. went to him and told him the cable people will be out Tues and the handyman will be here to drill holes in walls or whatever. This began a lont tirade of how they can't do that, it's impossible, etc. I'm like, don't put me in the middle! Talk to the guy yourself--if he tells me it can be done, it can! And if you can't do it, go to work on Tues and it will be finished when you get home!
So then he reminds me of a door idea for the office. I had completely forgotten about putting a door on a track--like a barn door thing--since, heck, it was about 8-10 months ago we even spoke about this stuff. Then he told me I can have the guy put in some molding around the office door and the dining room door if I wanted.
Ok, who is this person that on Monday is leaving me and on Friday is telling me to put up molding??
I must be on to something--I did go in his room the other morning and told him to roll over--he's like ? why? and I said because you USED to like me to scratch your back. It's been so long, I'm not sure it was even him that said that (I was joking, but...lol).
Oh, also this a.m. he comes in the computer room at around 7:30 and asks if he can get on the computer. I said, hey, I just got here, and no "good morning?" No. I'll let you know when you can get on.lol.
If you can't give me common decency, then, um, no.
Yes my ex is still with his affair partner...4 years since the EA started. They live together and are engaged. He doesn't work on himself or fix things, so I can see history continuing to repeat itself in his case. They are still very much in their fantasy world. Neither of them can understand why their kids don't want anything to do with their wedding. Neither of them feels that they did anything wrong by having an affair and destroying two families in the process.
For me, I know we are going to end up in a much better place. I am finding myself again and it feels good. The kids have moments like we all do but overall are thriving. I don't miss my ex but when things go wrong, I do miss having someone to help ease the tension a bit until I figure out the solution. lol
I hope you have a lovely day.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I don't know if it will help, but my dad, who married his affair partner, was horrible to her--never trusted her, ran her ragged, put her down constantly in front of us. She stuck it out, god knows why...I think because they fought so hard to make it work and it was a 2nd marriage for her...
My dad is in the last stages of Alzheimers and is going kicking and screaming. I almost feel sorry for his wife but... When she complains I love to tell her, You had to have him, you broke up my family to get him--he's all yours!!
She gets so mad...lol.
Ok, well my S is in camp for a week and I spent yesterday with H and today as well. He did something to his shoulder while sleeping (horrible mattress!!) and was in complete PAIN all of yesterday! Took several muscle relaxers and tylenol and was just a wreck. Barked orders about food, etc, and I was like, sheesh--how bad would it be if I left him alone like he deserves right now?? But I have a paper due Tues and wanted to start my next one and get a little ahead before S comes home.
I had been toying with the idea of getting him a new mattress--it's almost like a sign from God I think --he's telling me to DO IT!!
I think it is a sign to let him suffer!! Then when he notices how well you have been sleeping and that your back pain is gone he will want to join you.
Hope you can get your school stuff done.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Kat, you are SO RIGHT!! He is going to be "sleeping in his own mess" for a while--why should I rescue him??
I got the book by Dobson that they use over in Infedelity so much--Love must be Tough. I LOVE this book!!
Finally a book that addresses HOW this disrespect begins--OMG!! I think this should be required reading before you marry!
Througout this book what I am doing and why this is working is completely validated. My H has lost respect for me, he has wanted to see "boundaries" out of me, and now that I am getting a backbone, it is making him curious! Wow!
So yesterday the workers were out again. I had the second set of pocket doors removed and some electrical boxes moved. They were here until 9 and I had just gotten home from school, and was worried about my H coming home soon, and so missed that they did a few weird things (hooked up a light to a switch meant for a fan). Fixable, but my H picked up on it right away. So he started his "spew".
I let him have it! Told him in a growly voice that he needed to thank me for all the work I'm doing and knock that out! (I had just read a few chapters of Dobson's book and was feeling particularly feisty).
OMG--did he back down.lol. APOLOGIZED FOR BEING CRANKY!!! Ok, I have to write that once more: APOLOGIZED FOR BEING CRANKY!!
So then he told me a few more "ideas" he had had for this room, which--hello--DONE!!
I am doing a flippin ton of work here--don't you DARE be Mr. Cranky Pants with me Buster!!
I am actualy itching for a reason to throw him out. According to Dobson, when they are in this pity-party state, this is what needs to happen. I really think he would respond well. We have a trailer right down the road that he could live it--heck--he said that while he was fixing it up it was taking so long because he thought I was going to kick him out any minute--he WANTS to be stopped from himself. Wow!!!
I'd have a lot of fun if he was gone!lol. Oh, the things me and my handyman would do....hahahaha!
