Woke up to a moment of clarity where I realized that I was largely responsible for giving my H the language and the doubts of me ever being good enough for him. It has almost been a self-fulfilling prophecy - I've never FELT good enough for him therefore at moments of discord or when my fear would overtake me - I would say to him "I've never been able to meet your standard" or "You've never felt that I was the one - that there might have been someone better suited to you"
When this mountain of MLC/addiction moved in front of me - I now realize that I AM strong, smart, attractive, and kind. I am DEFINITELY good enough for him and I deserve someone who actually BELIEVES it. Thing is - I think my husband has always believed it - but it got lost in the craziness of life.
So, this morning, I wake up to a house full of boys (my son's team). I run to the grocery so I can cook breakfast for them before their games today. I think - I will extend a breakfast invitation to H - he would love to be here talking to the kids. So I send a text message to him with an invite to eat and/or hang with the boys - he responds: "that would be great. be there in a few" He comes in, eats, helps with the dishes - talks to me about all of the old coaching friends he has seen at the tournament. Talk about Ds a bit. I am pleasant, kind. Boys leave - and he stands at the door. "You coming today?" I say yes and thanks for your help." He says "see you there". But here's the kicker - he walks to the sidewalk and instead of walking by the empty trash bin that has just been picked up - he actually picked it up and moved it back to the side of the house. Small thing - yes / but it made me smile. He did something kind for me for the first time in a month.
I still don't know if I should have extended the invite - whether I should be completely dark. But it is hard to go dark when S is still home. And these moments are opportunities for him to see the good at home. I am ABSOLUTELY not reading more into this than what it is - but even with H gone - I still feel like I need to do at least one thing per day that is a positive contribution to the M. Maybe it's just getting a head on a bill - or finishing a home project - or keeping in touch with family - or reaching out a kind word to him. I think my marriage was bigger than he and I - it was a life that we built that was pretty darn good! But the he and I part got crossways somehow and it is going to take a long time to straighten out.
Sometimes I feel like I am the most long-winded person on here / but I appreciate anyone who reads my random thoughts. Thanks for being here!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
