Think I am dead now.

[MrBond]

par4me,

You've got to start building up your self esteem first. If not, the next person you actually fall in love with is going to start feeling your neediness. Maybe not right away, but it will come up. And if that person breaks up with you, you're going to go right back into being suicidal.

You admit that you still have those tendencies. That's not the right state of mind to be in. If you start having that "I don't give a sh*t" attitude, you could seriously hurt someone and I'm talking physically. I've seen it happen from the shelters I've worked in.

Get some help for your self esteem first.