You've got to start building up your self esteem first. If not, the next person you actually fall in love with is going to start feeling your neediness. Maybe not right away, but it will come up. And if that person breaks up with you, you're going to go right back into being suicidal.
You admit that you still have those tendencies. That's not the right state of mind to be in. If you start having that "I don't give a sh*t" attitude, you could seriously hurt someone and I'm talking physically. I've seen it happen from the shelters I've worked in.
Get some help for your self esteem first.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I am having a better day today. I don't think I would ever hurt someone physically. I just need to get the last little glimmer of hope out of my head. Which I think that i am close to doing. After that, I can truely start to heal. But, this morning seems to be better then yesterday. I don't feel so sad. Not happy and joyful but not that bad. The date last night helped. Self esteem takes along time to achieve. My ex always said that i tore her self esteem down. I was not trying to. Hey, i want to be loved again. I know that it is to early to find someone. I am really not looking. Just trying to keep my mind busy and my activities going. Being with another women makes me feel better, so why not. It is just talking and having a good time. Heck, my ex is married, my self esteem is not going to go up because I start liking myself one day. It will go up when i forget about my R and move on. I will remember things that happened that I did wrong and not repeat my same mistakes. My ex was not good. The r was unhealthy. She was not healthy, niether was I. I don't want to bring someone else down. But i do crave some company right now from a female. I am not haveing sex. I could have last night. She wanted to stay the night but i didn't.
If he has "social acceptance" while having fun, perhaps he won't show neediness. I believe were supposed to be around other people, and its going to put your spirits up higher than trying to do this all in isolation.
Theres a certain spot in your heart that only the opposite sex can fill.
The r was unhealthy. She was not healthy, niether was I. I don't want to bring someone else down. But i do crave some company right now from a female.
This is the part I worry about.
The whole "don't date until you heal" thing is about not running from one failed unhealthy relationship to another one because you cannot stand to be alone.
Being alone is really not all of that bad once you let go of the neediness.
Once the "need" for female company is gone, then you can be more descriminating about who and how deeply you get involved.
I speak from personal experience here. I think my last relationship and marriage had a lot more to do with me needing something than wanting something.
You see, I am a transplant to the region where I now live, and I work from home.
I have lived here 5 years. In that time I have been in a non-commited R for 6 months total really, so I never developed a social network here, and to be honest I am struggling with how I even go about that because a lot of who I am as a person has changed so much over the last 5 years (and over the last 15 years too), so my interests have changed, I don't like bars, organized religion is not my thing, the sporting activities I like are more individualist (and the groups that exist for these are mostly filled with people much younger than myself). My good friends are scattered across the USA, and I rarely get to actually see them.
So... from a NEED perspective... what I really NEED is a better support network. Again... neediness. Ahhhh.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 07/10/1001:14 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
I think my neediness is that my R would have been given a chance to let me make my changes. It was not and will not be. So, dating doesn't seem to be bad. It is better than seting at home crying about things. I do my school work and i need to be with other new people. Sorry guys, i dont think that i am wrong.
Up to you. It's obvious you've been making the right decisions so far. I'm sure that's what your W is saying to herself too. There's nothing wrong with going out and meeting new people. Heck that's encouraged. It's when you mention the word "dating". That's when the red flags go up.
I would say both you and your W are extremely codependent and not just for each other. She needs the drugs, you need the company. When you start needing a "fix" that bad, that's when it becomes a problem.
Just take it slow and cautious or you're going to end up in a worse emotional state than before.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Ok, guys, mind blower here, help out. Ex calls me crying saying that she misses me and thinks she made the bigeset mistake of her life. I am playing golf. I text her and tell her much I care and how I will change and get her help and me help because we both need it. She tells me how much she loves me and misses me. I tell her how much I miss her and all the stuff. Everything, like I will be a better man. She said that I will never forgive her. I text her that I already have. That it was my fault for treating he bad. You guys know my story. I get a text later saying to never call again(i didnt call she called me) and that I messing with the family and never text or call or the police will be called. I ask who is texting me. Well I get a call from her husband saying I am messing with his family and to move on with my life. I told I wasn't. It made me feel good that she called, she was hurting, they are having problems because of me. I did text her but after she called me. She asked if I could forgive her and I told I already have and she said Thank God. Well, I still love this girl. I am not going to call her or text again. I know that I will get a call tomorrow from her saying she is sorry about her husband calling. What the hell. I am being stupid am I not. I should just let it go. I just really love this women. She is not good for me and she is married to someone she doesn't even know. I was her husband for 9 years. This is really stupid that some guy that met her 15 days ago is telling me to stay away. Hell, I am staying away. I just told her if she is happy then stay, if she is not come home. This is such a easy choice, just reading this makes me sick that I am so stupid to consider. I really love this girl and love makes you do stupid things. I am happy about this and I should be sickened that my ex wife doesn't have the balls to defend me. Maybe or maybe not. [censored], I don't know what to do. If Dbing is what we are doing. I want her back. I said I didn't. She is not good for me but I can change and I can and she will get help to change herself. But hell, she wouldn't even stand up and tell him how much she was saying she loved me. Does Dbing if you want her back just mean I should wait and play this out. Because I do believe that I will. There is no way they are going to stay together. They have been married for 15 days and the first 5 were spent with me. She will come back I am pretty sure. I want her. But is she right for me. I think that we were best friends once. I loved her once. She is not the same person but that person is still in there. I hope I told this story right because I need you guys help. She still loves me. She is scared to come back because I was a jerk but she is thinking about it. My plan is not to call or text just like I have been but she is going to call tomorrow to tell me she is sorry about her husband acting that way which he has every right to do. He is not wrong. I told her in my text that I loved her, I wanted her to be happy and i would change my ways if she came back. So, I really have no bitch with him. He is just defending what is his. But I did not call. She called me. She is the one that said she missed me, is she just a messed up crazy? I know she is not trying to mess with me. She is just confussed and thinks that she might need to stay with her mistake because she married her guy. What do I do. I do not need any tough love here guys. You know that I want her. I was ready to leave and get on with my life but it was killing me. Now that I have a chance, a slim one at that I am more confussed and happy, Scary thought, my codependancy is coming back again. I have to think about this but and I going to eat with my son but I will let you tell me what you think. Remember-I do love her-codependancy or not-she was my wife-we have a kid-she is screwed up on pills-I still love her-I have fun with her and she still gives me butterflies in my stomach when I see her after 9 years. I should get over it I know. I just do not want anyone new. I want her back, I want the girl I first fell in love with, she is not that person but she can change and would be willing to go to therapy, she love stuff like that. But, she is married. I did not call her, I left her alone and still will but she will call again. So what to do. No harse comments i need some compassion. This has been killing me even causing me to have sucidal thoughts, you guys know this. So no tough love but give me reality because I am not there. Should I wait it out or not?
The r was unhealthy. She was not healthy, niether was I. I don't want to bring someone else down. But i do crave some company right now from a female.
This is the part I worry about.
The whole "don't date until you heal" thing is about not running from one failed unhealthy relationship to another one because you cannot stand to be alone.
Being alone is really not all of that bad once you let go of the neediness.
Once the "need" for female company is gone, then you can be more descriminating about who and how deeply you get involved.
I speak from personal experience here. I think my last relationship and marriage had a lot more to do with me needing something than wanting something.
You see, I am a transplant to the region where I now live, and I work from home.
I have lived here 5 years. In that time I have been in a non-commited R for 6 months total really, so I never developed a social network here, and to be honest I am struggling with how I even go about that because a lot of who I am as a person has changed so much over the last 5 years (and over the last 15 years too), so my interests have changed, I don't like bars, organized religion is not my thing, the sporting activities I like are more individualist (and the groups that exist for these are mostly filled with people much younger than myself). My good friends are scattered across the USA, and I rarely get to actually see them.
So... from a NEED perspective... what I really NEED is a better support network. Again... neediness. Ahhhh.
People are around people. People connect to people they like and admire. I personally don't think isolation is normally a good thing. He should be recieving the benefits of having these social oils greasing his wheels that come from the interactions.
This is not a date this the girl that caused me to be here. The one that I love. I am talking about getting back with my ex, my wife. What do you guys think. Let me know. I dont always take your advice but I listen to it. You guys are pretty smart.
Yes, it was a long post. Husband called an said leave his wife alone. I didn't call. She did. She said that she was made the biggest mistake of her life. Do I just let her fix it when I don't know if she is really able to do it. to really go through with it. yes, I think I just let it go and see what she does. Any suggestions.
