Busting the affair is letting your spouse and family know what is going on. It's called bring it to light. I am assuming from reading your postings that this is not a physical affair, but an emotional one. Emotional ones take more time and are harder to let go of by both parties.
If you bust the affair, you bring it out in the open and that's all you do. Do not continue to harp on it w/him or bring up the affair partner. If you do, you may very well push him into defending her and wanting to protect her from you and anyone else who attempts to talk some sense into his head.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Busting the A is breakin it up. Coming out to your family and friends is usually referred to as Exposing.
Something to keep in mind: That is a bell you can't unring. If you choose to expose the A, your friends and family will never forget it happened and this can potentially make reconciliation harder. They will not understand you wanting to work it out.
Taylor, within these boards there are two very different schools of thought on A's, and how to handle them. As you've seen, Puppy, Allen et al always advocate that you Bust and Expose. The MLC opinion is different, and can vary, but basically says that since an MLCer is not rational (as opposed to a WAS who is) that busting and exposure can backfire if done at the wrong time or in the wrong way. There are also different views on snooping and the gathering of intel ... but again it's all related to how to handle the A, and if you believe your H is in MLC.
IMO, the most important thing to remember is this: only set boundaries if you are truly ready to live with the consequences of having to follow through with them. Setting boundaries and not following through will set you back. Big time.
Originally Posted By: snodderly
I am assuming from reading your postings that this is not a physical affair, but an emotional one. Emotional ones take more time and are harder to let go of by both parties.
If you bust the affair, you bring it out in the open and that's all you do. Do not continue to harp on it w/him or bring up the affair partner. If you do, you may very well push him into defending her and wanting to protect her from you and anyone else who attempts to talk some sense into his head.
^^^ all true.
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Sondderly, his was a PA..from my guesstimation it started Feb 2009 and continued even after he told me about it last fall and that he had broken it off. He told me he wanted to move to a family member's to "think things thru and figure out what he wanted to do" (because he loved her), but really what he wanted to do was have free reign to see her every weekend and screw her brains out without making things worse with me. He moved back in Feb, moved out in March again and then back first part of April after he broke it off with her..or so he says. He told me that she said if he came home she was done with him..and that he would never hear from her again. Well, 3 weeks later, she texted him and they have been in contact ever since. He says he hasn't seen her, but who knows..he travels for work so they could be meeting up every week for all I know. So he probably is having an EA with her now. But you can bet that they'll meet one of these days..just for coffee or because one of them is in the area. He'll want her to see his new buff body.
When he moved out and I found out that he was seeing her every weekend, I told my kids and they have told the other family members. My brother knows and some friends..and his mom, and his daughter..he told them. So I guess in a sense the affair has been busted. Everyone was shocked that he would do something like that. He's lost lots of respect in the eyes of everyone that knows.
And you're right about him defending her when I have brought it up. i don't talk about it much anymore with him. Unless I find out someting new. I really just want it to go away..I want her to go away..she is a skanky ugly dykey bit$$. And he had the nerve to tell me she was alot like me..not a chance. i would never go after a married man and break up a family like that.
I'm getting to the point where I'm starting to think that he maybe needs to go and be with her. That might be the only way he will be able to find out what she really is. Otherwise he'll live in this fantasy, dreaming about how wonderful it could have been with her. She's 8 or so years younger than him and acts just like a guy..and i wasn't kidding when I said she was really homely. Maybe she'll cheat on him too. He says he knows she isn't very attractive but she's fun to be around. Now there's a good reason to throw away a 20 year relationship and everything you've worked so hard for.
Anyway, you can probably tell its a sore spot for me.
PEI..too late..it's already been done. I got pretty pissed when I saw the credit card statement and saw that he was wining and dining her at our favorite hotels and resturants. I just couldn't stand that he was having sex with her and spending our money to take her places. So, I told everyone. I kept it to myself for several months because he asked me to, but that was the final straw. He lied and lied and is still lying. He has told me that it's like an addiction and that he knows he needs to let it go, but is having a hard time. it's probably all the sneaking around and excitement. Honestly..I'm starting to wonder if they don't deserve each other. It won't work out and he will have ruined so many lives...it will bother him til the day he dies..I know him well. I guess we all make our choices and then have to live with them. I can live a happy life, knowing I did nothing wrong and fought hard for my marriage.
I understand about the MLCer and the WAH being different. And I sympathize with his mental illness. But..I am worth more than that. I deserve to be treated with love and respect..no matter what he is going thru. i know I've said I'll wait for him to come to his senses..but not if he's having sex with her. That's just wrong in my book. I have not told him that in so many words..but i think he knows how i feel about that..which is why he's sneaking around with the phone, and computer stuff. I also think he knows it won't work with her, which is why he's here. i think you guys refer to those Hs as cake eaters. It's so morally corrupt.
Help!!!! I really just want this affair to be OVER!!! I don't care how it happens. I just don't want to share my husband anymore. He can take all the time he needs to get thru the MCL. I can't stand the sneaking around, the lying, his playing me for a fool, talking about it, worrying about it, thinking about it.
I AM SO SICK OF THIS AFFAIR BULLSH&&!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I want it to go away and never talk about it again..ever.
I am ready to call her parents, her adult kids, her ex husband, her work and her friends and tell them all just what she's doing. I can't stand it one more second. I'm ready to go down there and ask her what kind of immoral person she is that she would think her behavior is ok. I did send her a Facebook email last December and told her how much this whole thing has upset my H and that he has told her to go away and that we feel sorry for her. He did tell me those things..BTW, so I wasn't making it up. I told her that we love each other and she needed to move on and find a man of her own and leave us alone to try to repair the devastation she has caused. Well..she went crying to my H and he got pissed at me.
What kinds of things have worked..what do you guys recommend..it's just got to end. Now.
Do not do anything at this time. The more you attempt to break up the affair, the more they will run to each other and he will defend her. The affair has to die on its own. We've told you that. It's already out in the open w/your side of the family and most likely her side knows as well.
What can you do? Ensure that your financial business and assets are protected. Have you separated out your bank accounts? What about your credit cards? Now is the time to do this. Focus on what you need to do for YOU!
The best thing that you can do is settle down, stay calm and realize that you cannot control and/or manipulate the ending of the affair. You've already had taste of what happened w/Facebook and her running to your h. You've got to understand that the more you push, the harder they will pull away. It's difficult, but you have to pull the focus off of them and put it back on you and your family. It's very important that you do this. If you continue attempting to break them up, you may very well force him to leave and file for divorce.
MLC is a different animal and the normal reactions/responses we would use when an individual is "normal" will not work here. You need to understand that your h is acting out and is not the mature man you married right now. He is a teenager and if you remember, as teenagers, they are going to try to prove to the world that they know what is best for them. Just remember, when you say no to a child, that child, in many instances, will be tempted more so do the things you've said no to.
Please do not contact her or her family right now. If you do, you must be prepared for your h to move out and possibly threaten to file for a divorce. Allow the affair to burn out on its own.
Focus on what you need to do this weekend for you and your family.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Taylor, within these boards there are two very different schools of thought on A's, and how to handle them. As you've seen, Puppy, Allen et al always advocate that you Bust and Expose. The MLC opinion is different, and can vary, but basically says that since an MLCer is not rational (as opposed to a WAS who is) that busting and exposure can backfire if done at the wrong time or in the wrong way.
Neither are being rational, PEI. I have studied literally THOUSANDS of affairs over the past six years, and there is nothing rational about people -- previously well-adjusted and often reasonably happy -- who suddenly:
- jeopardize their careers with dangerous behavior at work;
- drain their families finances;
- expose themselves to STDs (and worse), and then bring it home and expose their unsuspecting spouses to the same things;
- neglect their own children (oftentimes, this is a mother), and even their basic needs (like a meal) to be with their OP;
- voluntarily give up their marital bed and even their homes;
- lie to their own children, siblings and parents about all of the above;
- jettison all of their previously cherished relationships, with former best friends, parents, siblings, when those people disagree with what they are doing and are perceived to get in the way of the affair;
- etc.
- etc. No, they're ALL delusional and irrational. The difference between the two approaches (and PEI is right, there are two VERY different approaches advocated) is that one treats the affair like an addiction, and the other treats is as one of a broader group of symptoms (MLC).
I've studied all of the various teachings on the best way to deal with affairs -- MWD's, Harley, Tupy, McGraw, Glass, etc. While each emphasize different aspects, it basically comes down to a group that believes in treating it as an ADDICTION, complete with physiological implications, and a group that doesn't.
I know reasonable people who differ on this, and I'd estimate the divide is somewhere around 60/40, so neither approach is some extreme view. But trust me, there is NOTHING rational about the behavior or someone caught up in an affair. It is only after I studied them, and came to the conclusion that affairs were ADDICTIONS, that suddenly all of the bizarre and reckless behavior suddenly made sense to me.
Puppy
P.S. If you want to do some further reading on this, Google sometime the following: "love lust brain addiction PEA". Scary stuff. Enlightening, but scary.
Listen to Snodderly. Have all the secret fantasies of revenge that make you smile. I myself considered buying a billboard on the highway. Spray-painting C##T on her garage door in the dead of night in large neon letters. These are not plans, they are just fantasies to let our your anger and frustration. Don't end up making a fool of yourself, or worse, getting arrested over something that you cannot control.
Taylor, I also want to point out that it takes two to tango. If your h truly wanted this merry go round to cease, he would do it. Unfortunately the "high" of this affair is too much for him right now. Eventually when he realizes that you don't give a fig and it's now out in the light, it may begin to fizzle. Just as long as you keep attempting to bust it up, the more challenging it is for them to be together, be it by phone, email or in person.
Also, keep in mind, if it had not been this woman, it could have been another. They sometimes do not stop w/just one, it could be several. With what you know, have you been tested for STDs?
It is really important that you take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
