Baby born, separated, WH moving overseas for OW

[Piano]

I want to add that I think WH has left out any detail about going back to Europe and about the OW because either

1) it went badly with work and OW and everything's back on the drawing board
2) it went well with OW but has no news about work, so he's back in a kind of limbo
3) it went super well on all fronts and he's just going to drip feed me the news in order to placate me, as he has done for the last 7 months.

I have to assume #3.

If I have truly LET GO, I won't care if it is 1,2, or 3, so that's what I am going to work on: NOT GIVING A STUFF!

[newmama]

EXCELLENT idea to request a visitation schedule! for the first 1.5 months of S' life it was kind of random and drove me nuts so I finally demanded a schedule. It has been one less stress ever since. (you know, considering....)But why wait to email him until tomorrow? Just curious.

It has helped me emotionally and mentally to block the OW out of my thoughts. I think you have the right to ask him about his plans to return to Europe and you don't even have to inquire about OW.

[gatsby11]

People, I don't like WH one bit. I sometimes wonder what kind of person I am 'fighting' for.

And then I remember, I am fighting for a new and improved ME, not the lousy jerk WH has become.

^^ Exactly.

We just arranged our schedule over here! Sunday during the day (2-6 ish so I can do errands and go 'out'), Monday and Wednesday night from 9-11. I think a schedule is great. I wouldn't push the asking about his plans part, but just "if you're going to be around for a while, let's create a visitation schedule."

It does hurt when WHs don't tell us about their plans, doesn't it? I hate it. It helps me have motivation to avoid WH when he's over. If he's not going to tell me where he's been or what he's doing, I'm staying away!

You're doing REALLY well, P, with all this crud. Someday this time will be a distant memory.

[Piano]

Hey G and NM, don't know how you guys manage to be so strong with your co-parenting. I am just DYING and could never be in so much contact with WH. I am just so insulted he has chosen OW over me, our 15 year marriage/friendship and our newborn!

Why can't I accept that he finds that acceptable and even preferable?

I am so tired..and so angry. I cannot handle the alien WH has become. I couldn't imagine this could keep being so painful.

Sorry for the pity party.

NM, I waited because I was so angry and I wanted to write an email when I was calm.

But I did send a short and to the point email and WH replied back confirming he is going back in late August/early Sept for good.Voila. The future is written. He's also happy to go with a visitation schedule I design. It's ALWAYS ME coming up with everything. I'm sick of it.

It's going to be me looking after this baby, looking after our finances, wrapping up our apartment. Why is he SO PASSIVE???

He keeps crapping on in a light friendly way about the baby.

Keeping it business like.

[gatsby11]

I'm going to be honest, P. If my WH had an open OW and was leaving the country to live and be near her. . . I would be livid. I'm mad enough without those factors. With them, I don't know if I could do face-to-face contact. If you can, you will have so much strength and courage. It will be so hard.

Your WH is being so distant and irritatingly polite. It hurts to even hear about it!

Yeah, why is he so passive? That's aggravating.

So you've been having family be the go-between for you two for a while and now it's getting tiring for them? I'm wondering what else you could possibly do. . . Can BIL or MIL 'facilitate' visits by being there so you can leave?

Confession: I'm always doing this "signs" stuff. Very superstitious, etc etc. I now know your real name, of course. That's part of my signs. So I sort of asked the universe to see a sign for you and your WH if there was any hope for you two. And literally one second later I saw a sign.

I don't know why I see signs. I tend to think they comfort me when I need it and may not mean anything real. So if it means anything to you, good. If you don't want there to be hope for you and WH, then just ignore it.

[newmama]

so did you ever ask your WH why he didn't ask about your bub while he was gone for 2 weeks?

And yes, it was very painful (is) to see stbxh during visits but I compartmentalized. At the time I was all about divorcebusting for the marriage so I just kept my eye on the prize.

Limbo was excruciating, looking back on it.

I hope Gatsby's sign is right! Well, unless you are done with your H...

OK I am still slow about the visitation thing....are you wanting to avoid seeing your WH altogether? Because couldnt' he just come over and you can go take a shower or go to the store or something?

[Piano]

Thanks for the sign, G. Somehow I think WH is so far gone from me that I can never see him coming back.

He acts so coldly towards me. It's chilling. In the weeks following the bomb, his heart turned to stone. He had, in his words, 'giving his heart to someone else'.

He seems to hate me. But a sort of hate where no hard words are spoken. It's a complete loss of love.

I still have no idea what happened to our M (from his perspective).

I still miss my best friend.

I still can't believe what has happened to my life.

I seem to be able to let go, but only when not dealing with him. When I deal with him, my anger/disbelief/shock/hurt skyrockets.

NM, you are right to be confused about the visitation thing. The whole event stresses me and my family out whether I am there or go out. WH and I are not friends. Relations are almost hostile.

I just emailed WH and asked him the question about why he didn't eamail about her health. Will see what happens.

[Piano]

I'm mad enough without those factors.

Any tips on how not to be angry in front of them?

[Piano]

So you've been having family be the go-between for you two for a while and now it's getting tiring for them? I'm wondering what else you could possibly do. . . Can BIL or MIL 'facilitate' visits by being there so you can leave?

Exactly- it's draining for them.

MIL is a possiblity. I should try that.

What I would REALLY like is to do is get to a place where I don't need a 3rd party. It's humiliating.

Besides what message does it send to him? I think it says I am weak and angry.

Not good DBing..

[newmama]

Any tips on how not to be angry in front of them?

let's see...I would just breathe deeply and slip away to scream obscenities in my car...I didn't even vent to friends and family!

Piano, I doubt 100% that your H hates you although I can see why you might feel that way considering his "coldness."

I am glad you asked him via email about his lack of inquiry about your beautiful daughter!

Something I realized the other day or so was that part of adjusting to the loss of our marriage and my hope and the loss of stbxh was figuring out my "new" identity as a single mom. Once I started to figure out that life, I felt some kind of relief.

I say this on your thread because although it is hopefully temporary, I recommend trying to set up your "single mom" life. Mentally, first, and then try to think of all the things you and your D will do and picture doing them without your H. I just lived in the "now" and it helped me survive limbo, but once I finally started to envision S and I alone, doing things together, and finding my single parents group, it felt better. Not awesome, not wonderful, just better.

So that is my advice for taking care of YOU...set up your life with D and make plans, goals, etc. I am not saying to give up hope because I am not convinced it's over for you two. But just having Plan B in place sooner than later will hopefully get you through. And don't forget- the first 3 months of motherhood are the hardest! It does get easier!!!!! (((hugs)))