Well here's mine

[Barkley]

Thanks AG, unfortunately, I just got served

[DumpedforMIL]

Thanks AG, unfortunately, I just got served

((Barkley))

i'm so sorry to hear that.
but the fat lady has sung yet.

[DanF]

Thanks Goodman. Looking forward to hearing from you. We need all the brothers we can get at the moment.

[Barkley]

I need advice. Since I have been served, do I still stay in the house? The wife called to ask me when I was leaving and I said "I'm not - the restraining order does not require me to leave". She seem shocked and said she didn't feel comfortable staying here with me here and that we need to do what is best for the kids. I told her I am not going anywhere. She refuses to bring the kids home until I leave. I am meeting with an attorney first thing Monday morning but am not sure what to do. For the kids sake, would it be best for me to leave since I am already getting divorced anyway?

Please advise

[robx]

a spouse who is so quick to file for separation and divorce and have you move out of the home doesn't have "positive feelings towards your marriage" as the primary motivator here, I think someone else is involved, I obviously don't have proof and you have haven't been able to find any yourself so it's just an opinion at this point.

Don't leave the home, stand up to her, be strong, confident, cool, calm, collected, don't get dragged into a screaming match, let her argue but let her know plain & clear that you intend to live in your home and that if she really is unhappy with the marriage, filing for separation and you moving out isn't going to make her want the marriage anymore, quite the opposite in fact. She is free to leave and find another place to live, possibly with family and if she needs help, you will help her pack her stuff and move to her new place. You respect her decision to leave the marriage and file for separation but she has to respect the fact that this is your home too and you don't have to leave just because she doesn't want you there. You wished things worked out differently between the two of you but they didn't so you will stop trying to win her back, she is free to do whatever she wants with her life and you will be free to do the same.

Say that, literally.

And that's it, walk away.

If she argues with you, starts screaming, yelling, cursing, saying bad things, you interrupt her and tell her:

"STOP! I HAVE DECIDED that I won't discuss anything with you until you are calm and respectful towards me, I'm done talking right now, when you're ready to be an adult and discuss things rationally, you know where you can find me."

And then walk away, go to another room in the house, and let her be and tell her to NOT follow you, you need a break from her and don't feel like talking right now anymore.

[robx]

I need advice. Since I have been served, do I still stay in the house? The wife called to ask me when I was leaving and I said "I'm not - the restraining order does not require me to leave". She seem shocked and said she didn't feel comfortable staying here with me here and that we need to do what is best for the kids. I told her I am not going anywhere. She refuses to bring the kids home until I leave. I am meeting with an attorney first thing Monday morning but am not sure what to do. For the kids sake, would it be best for me to leave since I am already getting divorced anyway?

Please advise

Guess what, you're feeling FEAR.
It's ok, just recognize that this is fear and it's going to make you think a lot of different things.

Yes you stay in the home.
I said that already.

Listen to what I said before, I included in the post previous to this.

Remember she said that she wanted to file for separation to inspire positive feelings about her marriage with you?

Now she is saying that she didn't feel "comfortable" staying there with you.

Interesting, how did filing for separation to inspire positivity change to not feeling comfortable with you living in your own home?

She isn't making sense. Expect a lot of this.

She is responding emotionally and you can't respond logically to her, there is no use, she won't understand it, she's in love with her feelings right now and her feelings currently are against you right now.

You stay in your home.

She has no right to keep your kids away from you.

As far as I'm concerned, she hasn't filed for full custody, there is no custody agreement in place. Until thats in place, they live at their home, if she chooses to live there, she can but you are living there and since she made this decision to separate from you and file for separation, allow her the freedom to separate from you. Tell her "if this is what you want so badly, you can have it, separate from me but know this, you will not take the children away from me, I won't be a weekend dad, I will file for joint custody when the time comes and I'll document the fact that you are keeping the kids away from me right now and you can let your lawyer know that you are doing this right now too. When you need help packing your things and moving to your new home or apartment, let me know and I will help. I'm not sure I want to be married to you anymore, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me, I know that much and I think separation is the right thing to do but since you wanted this, you are going to have to be the one to leave - it just makes sense, I didn't ask for this so it doesn't make sense for me to leave, I'll give you a few weeks to find a place, there is no rush and I won't try to stop you either, you are free to go. One thing I will, we need to speak to the kids to let them know that this is happening. "

That's all you need to say, keep it short & sweet, no arguing, no relationship talk, you have to say it like you mean it, she wants her freedom from you, you won't stand in her way, she can leave and you will help her leave if she needs it.

Did she file for legal separation or did she file a restraining order? I'm confused, the two are not the same.

What were the grounds for the restraining order?
Physical abuse?

What does the restraining order say?

Since you asked,
For the kids sake, the best place for you to be is at home with them, never forget this, this is something I went through myself and I moved out originally because my wife told me to and I did it, hoping it would change her mind about me, it didn't, it never does. I was told by good friends, one of them who worked in legal aid at the time, to move back home, to show that I wanted to be there, that I wanted to be in their lives, that I wouldn't settle for visitation rights, that I would be an active parent, that I wanted joint custody of my children.

I have joint custody of my children.
My wife wants to come back BADLY and she pursues me now and doesn't even try to hide it and I'm still not sure I want her back and I'm not worried about possibly losing her.

[Barkley]

I was served with DIVORCE papers and a restraining order. Basic destruction of property and stuff like that. Court appearance is in two weeks

[Barkley]

Feeling really low today....not so much becuase of the wife leaving me. I'm just very sad for my kids....I never expected them to come from a broken home. This sucks!

[change44]

Oh, Barkley. I'm so very, very sorry for what you are going through. I've been in your shoes; our situations are so alike, it's unbelievable to me, and I know the pain you are feeling. I know the sadness and fear that you are feeling for yourself and for your kids hurts worse than any emotional pain you ever imagined possible.

My husband spent a year acting much like your wife; we would go on family vacations and even trips for just the two of us, and he would act completely normal. Then, when we returned home, he would be back to acting like an "alien," as you described your wife's behavior. Finally, a year after I found out about his affair, he filed for divorce and informed me by text message that he had filed the next day as I was picking up our kids from school. He had slept in the same bed with me the night he had filed without me knowing!

We also live in Texas, in a small city, and dealing with the gossip and our children's emotions and the fear of being on my own was overwhelming. Each day was hard, sleep wasn't possible without Ambien. All I wanted to do was stay in bed and pull the covers over my head and cry. I couldn't eat, and I lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks (and I didn't have the weight to lose in the first place). I was devastated that my children were going to be from a divorced family; it just wasn't something that had happened in my family and certainly not a part of the fairy tale I had dreamed.

But, I did the things I knew I had to do. I got up every morning, took a shower, put on makeup and clothes that made me feel good about myself, went and worked out, met with attorneys and realtors and opened a bank account and got a credit card in my name. And I froze my husband out completely. When we were together (I kicked HIM out of the house since he wanted the divorce), it was all business about the kids, and I wouldn't even look him in the eye. I couldn't. I told him we weren't in agreement on wanting a divorce, but I was prepared to deal with it. My life would move on.

To make a long story not quite as long, he came back asking for forgiveness two weeks later and he dropped the divorce. We've had our share of problems since then (you've been kind to be supportive on my posts), but I now know that if this does come again, I can survive it. My kids can survive it, because they have two parents who love them and extended family and friends who love them.

You can survive this, too, whether you get back together or not with your wife. Your kids can survive this. I can tell from your posts that you have family who loves you and the kids. Meet with an attorney and find out your rights. You will feel better then. And keep posting, friend. We support you and will help you through this the best we can. There are so many here who have much better advice than new people like me, but I can still send you a virtual hug and tell you I'm in your corner.
God bless you. Stay strong....
ap10

[Barkley]

Wow 10.....Thanks for the support. Our situations do sound very similar. I know I will survive this.....I just want it to be over quick and amicably for my kids sake. Honestly, if she came back to me right now and wanted to drop this whole thing, I am not sure I would take her back. I have been hurt too much throughout the whole ordeal. Please keep me and my children in your thoughts and prayers. What town are you from? I currently live in Sugar Land Texas (a suburb of Houston).