Allen..I concur. Only problem is, I can't end it for him. He has to do that himself, when he's ready. If I want the marriage to work, there is nothing left for me to do but GAL (as they say) and hope the A fizzles out on it's own. On the MLC boards, they say patience, patience, patience. He has to figure it out. He can keep dabbling with her but eventually I'll get tired of waiting and just walk away into the sunset. He can have her if that's what he wants. It won't do me any good to try to keep him here if he thinks she is the "one" anyway.
I'm not going to bring her up anymore. They say confrontation isn't the best thing for MCLers. It just makes them run back into the tunnel or something like that. Who knows maybe I won't even want him if this goes on much longer. So, I'll carry on the best I can until I can't anymore.
Being here with others who are in the same boat is helpful. But not if they're gonna get mad and make me feel like crap. I already have enough of that going on. I'm just looking for support and ideas. And maybe a new friend or two.
And I know you didn't mean to make me feel bad. That's the thing about emails..no voice inflection..so it's easy to get the wrong meaning behind the sentiment.
You CAN end the affair by busting it, there are techniques you can do to take all the excitement OUT of the affair such that it's not worth it anymore.
Further, waiting for the A to fizzle out on its own? Have you read the statistics on that, particularly for female wayward spouses? Not good or a safe bet at all unless you like waiting three or four years...
And I don't agree with the grin and bear it approach either, it just sends the wrong message to your H that you are OK with him cheating and abandoning the family etc... and turning you into a doormat.
I just hear the same stories from the same people here IT, all the infidelity newcomers say the same thing
1. I think its best to not bring up the affair 2. I want to just wait and see 3. The affair might fizzle out on its own 4. He will just get mad at me and the affair will get worse.
etc... They all say the same thing and none of these work... ask the regulars here who spent one year, two years, even THREE YEARS playing softball with an affair only to watch it get worse...
It takes months and months for the newcomers to finally realize the affair is NOT like a bad cold. The affair is NOT going to go away on its own. And ignoring it isn't going to help it go away any faster.
The only thing you will likely do is give yourself a severe case of depression and make yourself physically ill. We aren't mad and we don't want you to feel like crap, but you DO need to hear the facts... there are some people on this forum who have been here for YEARS.. we have heard all the same stories and see the same patterns...
And newcomers arrive here and just don't want to hear it... They want to hear that they can avoid confrontation, painful choices, and that this will all float away on its own if you just sit for a little while and have some patience. I have NEVER seen that work... NEVER
Geez, Allen. Female affairs can go on years? I thought 99% were doomed from the get go. Can't believe it would take that long.
What do you recommend? I'm having the same issue on my thread.
"We" are getting ready for a Dobson really soon. She's going off with the OM next Wednesday. Wednesday plan is text an "Infidelus Interruptus" as they head out of town.
Well my H is a guy. So I'm not sure what the female part of it is you mean. Anyway, what is it that you recommend? The other guys ..Mach, Grit, Puppy, eric, Tulsa..been talking to them. I don't get the feeling that they are recommending busting the A. I guess it depends on what you mean by busting it? I'd sure like it to be done. Can you give me some ideas?
And Callasdad..what is a Dobson? you know she's heading out with the other guy?
Well my H is a guy. So I'm not sure what the female part of it is you mean. Anyway, what is it that you recommend? The other guys ..Mach, Grit, Puppy, eric, Tulsa..been talking to them. I don't get the feeling that they are recommending busting the A.
For the record, LT, I always recommend busting the affair first. Separate the addict from the source of their addiction FIRST, and THEN address the pre-affair marital problems.
Sorry, I read you whole thread and when Allen gave reference to affair length "particularly for females", it triggered my response.
Yeah, she has my D2 for the second night in a row staying at "her friend, Amanda" (which I finally discovered Tuesday is the OM's SIL)And both yesterday and tonight are "sleepovers" under the guise that "so D2 can play withAmanda's D2)
And she is going on a vacation next Wed til Sunday "to meet up with her mom and vist her aunt". However, what mom that until only 4 months ago had never spent a night in over two years away from her D, goes on vacation WITHOUT her? And I discovered that he booked the same time off and let it slip to a source he was going to X (same area)
Truly pathetic.
have a look in the "Setting them free" thread.
Here is what Gucci posted early in-
Dobson's speech is preceded by an entire change in demeanor and attitude. You aren't mean or rude. Just in your own little world. No pursuing or reaching out anymore. Short answers to questions and then on to something else..
Best done when you wait for an opening that the WS gives you after you have applied the new demeanor and attitude for a week or two. Be in your own little world as if there is something on your mind and you are oblivious to the WS... Thinking. Thinking.. "What is wrong with you, are you mad at me" (or something to that effect)
Then when they give you the opening for what is up with you lately....
THEN... you drop the new bomb on them..
"nothing wrong with me, but I HAVE BEEN DOING SOME THINKING.. and here is what I have decided. I don't know why I didn't see this before, but I have realized that this just isn't going to work this way. I now realize that I don't want to be with someone that really doesn't want to be with me. I don't want to be with someone who is having an affair. It just isn't what I want in life. So, I have decided that we should separate and work toward divorce. I think you should fiind another place to live as soon as possible. Within two weeks would be good. We need to decide what we are going to do with the finances, the house and the children too. I will get my attorney to draw something up for us. I am sorry it didn't work out between us but I have now realized that maybe this is for the best. Anyway, I have to go to my friends and I am running late. That is all I had to say. Talk to you later."
Don't draw it out and read them a book.. Short, direct, decisive and matter of factly.
And that is the moment you have released them. You then follow through on exactly what you have told them. Keep all your cards close to your chest. Mysterious. Not mean. Not punitive. Not angry exept for callng the affair what it is.. AN affair.
Note: The speech can also be effective written in a letter.
Geez, Allen. Female affairs can go on years? I thought 99% were doomed from the get go. Can't believe it would take that long.
This is an interview with Shirley Glass :
Q: There is a public conception of affairs as very glamorous, but as I’m hearing you tell it, the aftermath of affairs is pretty messy. How do we square these views?
Dr. G. They’re both true. In those captured moments, there is passion and romance. We’re in Stage One of relationship formation--idealizing the partner. Stage One can go on for years, as long as there’s a forbidden aspect. The admiration and positive mirroring can go on for a long time--until you get to a reality-based relationship. Which is why so many affairs end after the person leaves the marriage.
Q: How many affairs survive as enduring relationships?
Dr. G. Only 10 percent of people who leave their relationship for affairs end up with the affair partner. Once you can be with the person every day, and deal with all the little irritations in a relationship that make it less romantic, you’re into Stage Two--disillusionment.
Several people have told me they wish the affair had never happened; they wish they had worked on their marriage instead. Once they got into an affair, it was too compelling. But now that the affair has settled into a reality based relationship, it is too late to go back to the marriage; they destroyed too much.
Note : Phil McGraw tallies this number at less than 1%, Penny Tupy tallies it at less than 5%.
The discrepancy is very likely due to the definition of "enduring relationship"
What benchmark does an affair couple have to meet before you can say "OK, they made it, they are long term and grew up without falling apart first"
Is that two years.. five years, ten years? I suspect McGraw is reaching further into the future than the other two... He may look ten years later and find less than 1% make it that far, but 10% may make it to the 2 or 3 year mark for example...
I don't have the actual details of each of their surveys... But the main point is that the survival rate for affair partners is pathetic compared to the average married couple of 50%... I would much rather roll the dice with 50% than with 10, 5, or 1% chance woudln't you?
Allen and Callasdad...I have exposed the affair to family and friends. Let me do a copy and paste of what I wrote in another thread..the question I need to ask..is the tactic different for an MCL or a WAH? the MCL folks say it is, that he's not in his right mind, depression..and all that. If I do what Callasdad suggests with the speech thing, and he is in MCL and doesn't know his a@@ from the hole in the ground..wouldn't that be shooting myself in the foot?
his was a PA..from my guesstimation it started Feb 2009 and continued even after he told me about it last fall and that he had broken it off. He told me he wanted to move to a family member's to "think things thru and figure out what he wanted to do" (because he loved her), but really what he wanted to do was have free reign to see her every weekend and screw her brains out without making things worse with me. He moved back in Feb, moved out in March again and then back first part of April after he broke it off with her..or so he says. He told me that she said if he came home she was done with him..and that he would never hear from her again. Well, 3 weeks later, she texted him and they have been in contact ever since. He says he hasn't seen her, but who knows..he travels for work so they could be meeting up every week for all I know. So he probably is having an EA with her now. But you can bet that they'll meet one of these days..just for coffee or because one of them is in the area. He'll want her to see his new buff body.
When he moved out and I found out that he was seeing her every weekend, I told my kids and they have told the other family members. My brother knows and some friends..and his mom, and his daughter..he told them. So I guess in a sense the affair has been busted. Everyone was shocked that he would do something like that. He's lost lots of respect in the eyes of everyone that knows.
And you're right about him defending her when I have brought it up. i don't talk about it much anymore with him. Unless I find out someting new. I really just want it to go away..I want her to go away..she is a skanky ugly dykey bit$$. And he had the nerve to tell me she was alot like me..not a chance. i would never go after a married man and break up a family like that.
I'm getting to the point where I'm starting to think that he maybe needs to go and be with her. That might be the only way he will be able to find out what she really is. Otherwise he'll live in this fantasy, dreaming about how wonderful it could have been with her. She's 8 or so years younger than him and acts just like a guy..and i wasn't kidding when I said she was really homely. Maybe she'll cheat on him too. He says he knows she isn't very attractive but she's fun to be around. Now there's a good reason to throw away a 20 year relationship and everything you've worked so hard for.
Anyway, you can probably tell its a sore spot for me.
