Stepping out and Stepping UP!

[cagzmom]

feel myself slipping backwards.
t- tried emailing you but my computer is being stupid. actually my email account is! ugh!

anyways- just called my c and left a message. its been a long time since i have done that.

just spent time with him..
he is the same he has always been
he has false guilt/shame/ whatever you call it
he was tearful - as always - depressed as always

my x is the same.. nothing better nothing worse.

and me?? i am still in love with him. yep - no not standing -

feeling low and sad. he doesn't want me - obviously.
yes i feel like a stupid high school girl who wants the guy who doesn't see her.

i loved him -with all of who i am.

i dont want to be with anyone else.
i dont want someone elses baggage -cause we all have it.

i dont see anything today but what i lost - and my future is me and me alone.

that is ok. it just makes me sad. but it is ok.

at least with him i knew what i was getting - i knew teh depression and stuff.

i dont want to deal with someone else who may come in all "hands on deck" and end up being a mess... i dont want baggage. and i dont expect anyone to deal with mine.

i am lonely - i dont want to pour myself out to my friends anymore. it isn't fair to them.

i should be done.


i asked my c about it. i said "this isn't normal is it? me still lving x" he smiled and said.. "well it isn't average." ha.. i am not average.

i just want to look at him and not want him in my life.
i want to say "ok so for better or worse really didn't mean that.."

i just want to stop. but i dont and i cant.