Now my W said yesterday that nothing happened. Meaning In her mind she doesnt think she had an affair, as sex wasnt involved. I told her the commitment to meet the person in itself is an affair. Pretty much it didnt click with her. I am worried that I may not be able to set the transparancy up or the boundary with her. If I bring it up, I am afrain she will get defensive and clam up.
That's the beauty of boundaries, CP. They're for YOU, and since they should really only be things that YOU cannot abide ANYWAY, you have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO LOSE by laying them out.
Consider:
To me, that's the beauty of boundaries, or -- as I like to call them -- "My Boundaries of Personal Integrity." Only YOU know what they are, but they should be a very short list; your "dealbreakers," as it were . . . those things that you, as a person with your values, morals and ethics, simply CANNOT ABIDE.
And this is how it works, in practical application: If you decide that "I will not live in an open marriage," and you state that as a boundary to a cheating spouse, and if that drives them away from you, and toward the other person? Well, then that's THEIR CHOICE, and them cheating -- and staying with me -- wasn't an option for me anyway, based on my own authenticity and values, so what have I lost?
All I've lost in that instance is something that I could not have abided anyway.
"You must choose between her or me" is an ULTIMATUM. It's about THEM.
Boundaries should be about YOU -- "I will not live in an open marriage." It's then up to the other person to decide what to DO with that information you've now shared with them, so seriously.
Puppy
Your wife was having online and video sex with another man, planning on meeting up with him to have REAL sex, and then laughing to your own 14 year old daughter about it.
If you're OK with all of that, then by all means, don't ask for no-contact and transparency.
Puppy
P.S. But again, these things can ONLY be asked for when the cheating spouse ASKS to be let back into the marriage, with a genuinely remorseful "What will it take?" speech. If she fights you, and obfuscates, and spins, and lies, and . . .
... well then she's not at that point, and your stance should then be "Then I guess I have my answer. Thank you at least for clarity."
