Movin' On...

[BobbiJo]

Ugh. I was up till 1:30 last night just relaxing, watching some tv shows I had recorded and reading. My phone started ringing at 8:00. First my middle sis in Des Moines (I am the baby.)

I ignored it. Then at 8:30 my oldest called on her home phone. Honestly I was annoyed bc she sleeps in until 11 (seriously!) when she doesn't have to work...so I let it ring. Then she called my cell. Then my house again. Because of my mom's constant calling OCD I have the 'boy who cried wolf' syndrome where I just ignore because it is never an emergency. Well, it was.

My mom called a minute later. I answered and she asked where I was. I said, in bed trying to sleep. Well she put my oldest sister on the phone crying. She wanted to know what I thought of my divorce attorney that middle sister (the lawyer) referred me to because she had thrown her husband out in the middle of the night and wanted to file for divorce and a restraining order.

They have a very rough history. Honestly I believe she married BIL because she was almost 30 and not married. Sad but true. In fact at the time she was pissed because the wedding date was October and she turned 30 in September, she wanted to do it BEFORE she was 30. (She has been in counseling for OCD and has terrible self-esteem so she just wanted to be married like her two sisters.)

Well she told me at least five years ago that she didn't love her H. He is a recovered alcoholic, retired military man with post-traumatic stress and has been diagnosed with Intermittent Explosive Disorder or something like that, explosive anger. All of that is why his first wife left him, plus he was an alcoholic during their marriage.

Three years ago when stationed in Texas they had a fight and he threatened to rip the leg off the kitchen table and beat her with it and he came after her with a hammer. At that time she called his 'first shirt' (I don't know military but that's what she said) and reported him, called police, etc etc. They went to counseling but very little changed.

However it is not black and white, it is more chicken/egg. Yes he has these issues but she is always in victim mode, her OCD means she is a total perfectionist and can't stand to have a mess or disorder of any kind. When they moved to Texas she had the entire house unpacked and re-arranged in their new home within 36 hours. As in, every box unpacked. Sheesh!

She married BIL knowing he had a vasectomy, then he had it reversed, but they still could not have kids. Spent $40K on fertility treatments, but smoked and drank 10 diet pepsis a day the entire time and complained that it didn't work. I am not trying to be harsh I am just saying they both have big time issues. I have not heard her say anything nice to him in ten years but she loves to publicly berate him in front of me, my parents, sister, even our extended family over the fourth of July. Telling them how he took so long to find a job after retiring from the air force, she had to do all the work and make the money, he sat at home, didn't cook, didn't clean, etc etc. Telling this to a crowd of people. Ugh.

However the blowup was over porn/EA. He has been using porn forever. That said, she has told all of us that she hasn't shared a bed with him in 4 years and they haven't had sex during that time. Last night at 1 am she woke up and found him having phone sex with a high school girlfriend 10 hours away in Indiana. So she threw him out.

It sucks, she is bawling and scared of what the future holds. I am listening and telling her I am sorry. I don't know what words to say because I have wondered for years why they were married. She is not good to him and he is not good to her. Ugh.

[Virtually_Handsome]

((((((BobbiJo))))))
I'm sorry to hear about your sis... It does sound like it's been a long time coming. HUGS!

[ImprovedRomeo]

Sorry to hear about your sis's sitch. It doesn't sound like a good relationship to be in- though I'm sure they were together this long for a reason?

(((BBJ)))

[kat727]

Sorry about your sister. It's a shame regardless of the reasons, I am sure she will be leaning on you a bit during this time.

hugs, kat

[mishka422]

Oh BBJ I'm so sorry. This is your sister and even though she has her issues and hasn't been behaving respectfully toward her H, she has reasons for doing what she did too. Is she not willing to try counseling again? To work through their combined problems? Or is this just the final straw? Did she say anything about his reaction to being kicked out?

[BobbiJo]

Well he took all his clothes when she kicked him out and he said he was going back to his hometown in Indiana (where the woman lives).

I said I doubted he would because he just got a new job teaching at a community college so it would be dumb to leave. He called a bit ago and had gotten a hotel in the area so I knew it...

I do not see her trying again with him. I really don't think she ever loved him... Three years ago when he threatened to kill her and she stayed I told her I thought it was because of her OCD and that she didn't ever want to quit anything, and she would see divorce as a 'failure'. She said I was right. So no I don't think they will reconcile.

I am worried about her mental health. Even though she doesn't love him this is huge for her. She told me many times she didn't leave because who would want a (now) 40 year old woman who couldn't have kids. This morning she was freaking that she could lose their house because they got it with a VA loan considering her H is a veteran.

She is OCD to the point of having medication and she is also major depressed and has been as long as I can remember, even in high school. She was crying this morning that they have zero savings. So she has no money, no kids, no husband, possibly no house. And a history of saying no other man would want her. I would actually not be surprised if she harmed herself.

Plus my parents are not stable, my mom has been depressed for years also ever since her brother died in 2005 and now another brother is dying...this could be the tipping point for her. My counselor says given my family of origin it is amazing I am doing so well!

It sounds awful but if Stacy hurt herself, I could see my parents following suit. Also since her H has threatened to kill her in the past I could see him coming to hurt/kill her. What does he have to lose? He has already been through one divorce and owes child support there, this would take even more of a chunk of $ from him, he has anger issues, a police record for what he did to my sis years back. I already know my dad and if BIL harmed my sister my dad would try to kill him. Seriously. Dad has anger issues, too.

So I am not sure how I can help....but I have been praying for her.

[Kimmie Lee]

It sounds like your BIL has stuff in common with dan:

phone porn, internet porn, strippers, dirty pics on the camera....

[mishka422]

That is just so sad BBJ. I'm so sorry that with everything else going on, you are being sucked into the middle of this drama.

All I can say is take care of you first. Be there to listen to your sister and get her help if you determine it is necessary. If she starts talking too crazy you should be able to have her put on a 72 hour medical hold in the mental ward of her local hospital. Better than her harming herself.

What man would want a 40 year old woman who can't have kids? Heck! What man of that age wouldn't? Men of a certain age want to have fun and have no encumberences. She is perfect! She doesn't come with kid baggage. Score one for her. You could point that out to her when she is in a reasonable state of mind. Right now wouldn't be that time though!

How far away does she live?

[BobbiJo]

It sounds like your BIL has stuff in common with dan:

phone porn, internet porn, strippers, dirty pics on the camera....

I know. It hits a little too close to home for me. Plus the newspapers are covering a big story for our area...

Back in late April a local funeral home director for our town and a neighboring, smaller town of about 2500 people killed himself. He is the director who managed Dan's grandparents' funerals, among others. We only have two funeral homes in town so they get a lot of business.

Anyway it turned out he killed himself because he had been served with a search warrant to seize his computers and take a DNA sample. A 17 yr old boy had filed charges claiming the 60 yr old man had been showing him porn on the funeral home computer (the boy worked there), and had been having a sexual relationship with him for 7 months. None of this came out until the man had killed himself. Another man was just charged last Friday as an accomplice who had sexual interactions with the boy once or twice.

I feel so bad for the wife left behind. Granted I don't know how much she knew ahead of time but even still how awful. My sister who is still married says that her husband turns to porn to satisfy himself because, as he told my sister, it is "faster and easier" than actually having sex with her--they hardly ever have sex anymore and she is sex-starved...

So if you wonder why I have a negative attitude toward porn, maybe I sound like people who don't like alcohol because relatives have a problem with it. I am sure there is a recreational use for porn but I have seen too many people get roped into it and have very negative outcomes.

[mishka422]

I don't blame you for having issues with it. A little soft stuff between mature adults is fine by me but when they get into that hardcore stuff it really screams that something isn't right between them. Sad world we live in.

So is your sister very nearby?