I'm now healing and moving forward

[beingreal]

In terms of “getting it”, “I know now it”, “I no longer feel the need to stand” and the most popular one “I now stand for me”. My questions to myself as well as all of you is this….

Have we truly grieved enough?

Have we really spent enough time in ourselves to come to this conclusion?

Are these feeling of being “free” just because we are feeling a little better?

Have we truly reflected on our roles in all of this and I mean truly? Let me say it the way I would normally say it..."have you really looked at your own sh*t"? How often do we say we were controlling, we made mistakes. In some case, mistakes were made FOR YEARS. Have we truly identified and changed these mistakes in a few months?

Have we truly grown enough? Have we really made the changes that we needed to make in ourselves so that we are health happy human beings that can move forward/on in life without the baggage of failed R’s around our neck?

Are we really and I mean really done?

I more than understand this question. This concern of yours. I feel it, too.

I think for me, and only because you asked, for ME the term "standing for me" is exactly that--I've taken the focus off of the M. Off of H. Off of the whos and whys and hows and just focused them all on...me.

I know I've said it before--I *stood* fighting for my M for several years before I found this place. My version of *standing* if you will--probably entirely wrong by DB standards... but hey. I fought tooth and nail to make things work--to the point that I was not only fighting by myself...I was fighting H. We weren't fighting for each other--we were at each other's throats.

And it had become so normal for us that I didn't see it until I had been away for a little while. I was at the receiving end of one of those typical fights, only I wasn't fighting back. I was shocked at just how bad things had gotten. Shocked... more like devastated and distraught. That was the day I realized, like you, that I'd been hanging on way too long. That was when i realized that my M was dead & that was not a bad thing--it needed to be dead before it destroyed anyone completely. That was the day I knew I was standing down for my M.

And standing up for myself.

Not because I had something to prove. Not because I suddenly healed overnight and was moving forward with a perfectly mended little heart.

Nope. I was standing for myself because I'd simply found my backbone. At last.



I didn't realize how much hard work there was going to be. I didn't realize just how difficult taking some of these steps would be. I'm beginning to realize that the worst is yet to come. Probably. But that would be an expectation of sorts, now wouldn't it? lol I am bracing myself for the worst to come, I am trying to build my foundation for a better future, and the storms that are sure to test my strength.


What I am learning through all of this is not only who I am, but what I want. What I'm willing to put up with and when to finally circle the wagons and say "enough".

My biggest thing to deal with is still trying not to shut down, or to shut people out. I'm finding there is a balancing act between shutting down & being so open that you get walked on.

Give me time, I'll figure it out.

These are just lessons learned, things that will serve me well when this time, and the people in it, have become a distant memory.

I will still be applying the DB techniques when I'm a little old lady trying to keep her room mate in the nursing home from making me crazy. er. lol

So thank you for putting it out there. Thank you for your insight. Thank you for letting me learn from you.

I hope only the best for you, my friend.