@ FourMoreYears: Thanks! My hubby was the same. It was like he expected a BJ after clearing the table.
@DanF:
Quote:
“Soxfan feels she has been doing all the work. Does dhe recognize and acknowledge all her husband has done?”
Yes, I recognize all that my husband has done. In my sit though, we rent. Something needs to be done, I call someone to do it. I pay the lawn service. I get my car serviced. I take care of the grill/propane….. I pay all the bills except his car payment. He does do his own laundry though- and is in charge of food (that's a whole 'nuther problem) When rooms need painting; me. Things fixed; me.Built, put together; me. He wants to be treated like the best thing since sliced bread when he vacuums the house, but I have never gotten a thank you for making sure we have a roof over our head, the kids have clothes, etc. He says he tells his family all the time how hard I work….really? Wouldn’t it be nice to tell me?
But I'm not back here because of all that. That crap, I can get over and be fine with. I say thank you, please, I ask for help, don't nag for it to be done, do it myself when H doesn't do it without saying anything....etc. It is tiring and does wear you down, but you get over it and move on. Being a matyre is more tiring.
@IDU:
Quote:
she has started telling me where every penny is spent and how we could save money by buying some room darkening shades, turning the AC up, making the kids take shorter showers, etc. Yet she won't commit to making the M work.
Weren’t you worried about money?? To me that seems like a babystep. And anger is to be expected- although frustration sometimes comes off as and is misinterpreted as anger.
Weren’t you worried about money?? To me that seems like a babystep. And anger is to be expected- although frustration sometimes comes off as and is misinterpreted as anger.
Just last week, I found out that my W, who had always handled the banking and always did a great job at it, had drained the savings down to about $400.00. Twenty-one withdrawals in a years time as opposed to five the year before. She says it is just for necessities and things have got more expensive. There are four withdrawals that she can't account for.
Back to the question; I never did worry about the money. When this all started, I guess I buried my head in the sand and didn't want to believe the worst. We do through the bills together and when something big came up, WE agreed on how much from the savings we needed to transfer. I should have started paying more attention and didn't. No one to blame but myself.
Now, she tells me-without me asking-how much the electric bill was this month, how much we have left in the checking acct., how much we need to start watching money and where we might be able to save some. She even said she had started hanging wash outside but that was tricky because we live in the woods and the clothes get dirty. All of this only after I questioned her on where the money was going and how she couldn't believe I wouldn't trust her with it.
That was my original complaint; how could she afford to volunteer all this time and driving and baby-sitters and going out with her new "friend" and school friends. She said it wasn't costing us anything. I knew better but didn't stand up to her like I should have and was probably my duty as a responsible husband and father to do so. We stopped going out much at all long ago because of having four kids and our work schedules. We stopped making time for each other. Not a big surprise that she missed going out, I did too. I told myself that there would be time for us again after the kids got older. Obviously that is wrong. But I wasn't the one who chose to have an EA with someone else.
I, like many other men here, was co-dependant, passive, and scared of making her mad. I wasn't like that before and guess it started when we had kids. I don't really know, but I do know that it's not how a MAN should act. I am learning my lesson and I hope it's not too late. I am not over-bearing or bossy, but I do stand up for myself and for what I know is right. For me, my kids and my family. I am ashamed that it took something like this to wake me up. All I can do is learn and better myself.
[quote]We stopped going out much at all long ago because of having four kids and our work schedules. We stopped making time for each other. Not a big surprise that she missed going out, I did too. I told myself that there would be time for us again after the kids got older. Obviously that is wrong. But I wasn't the one who chose to have an EA with someone else.
I, like many other men here, was co-dependant, passive, and scared of making her mad. I wasn't like that before and guess it started when we had kids. I am ashamed that it took something like this to wake me up. All I can do is learn and better myself.
I'm right there with you buddy. We stopped going out too, but it was primarily because she didn't trust ANYONE enough to leave our kids with, including me. In 10 years we only got a babysitter maybe 3 times. I think that killed it a lot for us.
I still can't believe that I am in this position, but like you, I just have to keep working on it and get ready to move on.
I guess somtimes it takes something like this get us out of our "fog." Could not think of a better word.
Man that is tough about your savings. It is good that you are taking a more active role in this portion of your life. Too bad you could not have spent that money to spend a little time for the both of you.
It is life, and we can't go back knowing what we know now, but we can move forward knowing what we know now.
Last edited by LSG; 07/09/1007:25 PM.
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
Man that is tough about your savings. It is good that you are taking a more active role in this portion of your life.
Yeah, nobody to blame but myself, though. I had ample warnings from people here and family and friends about finances. I didn't want to believe she would do something like that. And it may not all be related to her extra-ciricular activities, but a lot of it has to be. I am taking a more active role and that is a good thing.
Just one more piece of the puzzle that is fitting into place. She still denies everything but is running out of excuses.
