The more you learn about MLC, the more you try to put yourself in your H's place (as much as you can), the closer you will get to it.
BINGO...
The issue with an A IMO is who is getting angry? Who feels the emotions of being betrayed? Who feels that there self respect has been impacted? In all cases it is usually the LBS.
So a few things that you should ponder...
1) Do YOU want to remain angry? I suspect not. If so, then how do you release YOURSELF of this anger. Forgiviness.
2) Do YOU want to remain in this emotional rollercoaster? Probably not. Who controls that? Who has real control over YOUR feelings? I will give you an hint..or better yet some advice. The more YOU allow someone else to control YOUR emotions the more loss of control YOU will feel.
3) Self respect....an interesting topic IMO.. What is it? Who controls it? How is it controlled? Is your self respect tied to YOUR fear? It is tied to how YOU see YOURSELF. All questions that YOU must answer - not YOUR H.
Tay - as you can see from the above....count the number of ties I say "YOU"..
YOU are responsible for YOU - not for your H. Your H is responsible for himself. Hence....focus on YOU and stop looking for you H to validate who YOU are, how YOU feel, how you percieve YOURSELF.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
See what you are doing right now is you are coming here asking for help and advice, but you are poo pooing the advice or insight you do not like. "Oh...we are different...or I know my husband."
You know...that might be the case. I am not trying to act superior, I just question why you are doing this. Why not TRY or attempt to try some of the ideas we offer and SEE if they show signs of working before you arbitrarily dissmiss them.
Quote:
How does a spouse forgive their WS for the A and still maintain their self respect?
Your SELF respect by the way comes from you. ME? I RESPECT myself more for being compassionate, forgiving, not for holding a grudge about whom my wife [censored] while she was in MLC.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Why can't I talk this through? Just curious. And I hope you won't say because they are in a place where they can't listen. There has to be more to it than that. If we could write a book or come up with a vaccine to stop this MLC thing we would be trillionaires.
You want reasons for something that is unreasonable. You want logic when the MLCer is illogical. It's not just as simple as them 'being in a place where they can't listen' ... they don't care. Period. Typically, you are the cause of everything that is wrong with their life. You controlled them, suppressed them, stifled them, smothered them, parented them ... whatever. They didn't get to do "___" (fill in the blank with whatever you like, it doesn't matter, it's still your fault!). It's their time to shine ... blah, blah, blah.
Just curious ... I haven't heard of an MLCer who didn't have a laundry list of complaints about the LBS ... fill us in ... is there any truth to any of it? How do you see your role in the demise of your marriage?
Originally Posted By: ltaylor
I told my H that several months ago.
Of course you did. And you'd do it again wouldn't you?
PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
See what you are doing right now is you are coming here asking for help and advice, but you are poo pooing the advice or insight you do not like. "Oh...we are different...or I know my husband."
Hey, you're right -- this place really IS a lot like the "Infidelity" forum!!!
You want reasons for something that is unreasonable. You want logic when the MLCer is illogical. It's not just as simple as them 'being in a place where they can't listen' ... they don't care. Period. Typically, you are the cause of everything that is wrong with their life. You controlled them, suppressed them, stifled them, smothered them, parented them ... whatever. They didn't get to do "___" (fill in the blank with whatever you like, it doesn't matter, it's still your fault!). It's their time to shine ... blah, blah, blah.
Jack..I most certainly am not poo-pooing the advice given here. I just want to know the logic behind it. The things you guys are saying are exactly the same things my C, my BFF and the other members of my little support group have been telling me. What I'm trying to tell you all is that I am having a hard time "getting" it..not that I don't agree with it. I don't know HOW to do some of the things you are suggesting. Nor have I had the motivation (from myself) to figure it out. I guess we all cycle thru this stuff at our own pace. I'm sure plenty of LBSers have thought that they have had a great friendship/relationship with their Spouse in the past and because of that believe that somehow they can get thru to them with logic, reason, support and patience. I agree with all of you that if something isn't working, then try something different. However, I am still retarded to some degreet in thinking that I can fix this. I'm slowly starting to see that I can't. So, the next step is ..now what? Do I use some of the DB ideas in the book..which ones? Are there other things I can do to stop obsessing about the A and the M..you guys have mentioned many and I am doing them. Besides leaving the MLCer alone to figure it out, what else can I do, besides work on me. And when he's around, what should I say, shouldn't say..to not make this all even worse.
I've outlined my plan; resume, job, classes, get in kick a@@ shape. Already working on all of them. Initially started doing it to fix the M, but now am doing it because I like how it feels. So I AM making progress, and I AM listening to what you all say..I just need specifics. For 20 years I have been trained to be detail-oriented, analyze things to death and have a well thought out plan. And i just don't do that for a job, it's part of my personality as well.
It actually blows my mind what a wierd thing this MLC is. I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it firsthand. And I'm not even close to understanding it. I'm still standing around with my mouth open going, "WTH"? I don't know if I'm detaching, if he's getting better, or what is happening but it isn't as horrible as it was a couple of months ago. I wish I had found this site then. I told my brother today, I hope he never goes thru this and if he does, to let me know cuz I can give him all sorts of info. He said he thinks he's already been thru it when his wife left him for another man several years ago. I digress.
eric..you seem to be a little more gentle in your approach..so could you chime in here?
What are your thoughts as to why an LBS can't "reason" with their H if they have been able to in the past?
And why does trying to reason with them push them away?
And does DB work for MLC..if so, which things?
I get that I need to GAL, so you don't have to talk about that for awhile if you don't want to, unless you have some ideas for doing it that I haven't thought of yet.
