I'm now healing and moving forward

[ericmsant2]

First I want to thank everyone for their gracious comments – as always they mean so much to me.

Braveheart – we have had our disagreements in the past but your response truly touched my heart. Thank you. I wanted to go back and apologize for any misunderstanding between us in several threads but never made my way back to them. Having said this, If I have or ever offended you I am man enough to say sorry. So…sorry dude. FTR…we will still disagree on some points but I will do my best to pepper my responses to you with love so that neither of us walks away with any negative feeling.

Okay enough of the BH – ES love fest. LOL.

I wanted to let everyone know the reason for the “background” post… As I have gone thru this journey I have found out a lot about myself - Who I am - Why I am. ect. Am I done with this walk? No, not by a long shot. What I am done with is the hiding, the running, the fear of the unknown. I have spent a lot of time grieving, feeling, and just getting to know me. One of the biggest changes that this process has brought out is me is a true sense of self. A true sense of just “being” if you will. This sense of “being” is no longer tied to the actions of others. No longer tied to the circumstance that surround me or to events that is truly outside of my control. It is…no longer tied to my wife.

As I have discovered me…I need to remove all MASKs. All of them (yes AJM – you saw it and picked up on it – you got it dude!). Every fiber or insecurity I have…left open for everyone to see…why? Cause it really is who I am and I very comfortable with showing it now. Soooo to be true to who I am and to live my truth….I needed to let folks “in”…to allow my friends (whom I call many of you) too truly “know me”. It is how I now live my life. This is the new Eric and I wanted to share myself with everyone. It is the reason for my post.

If I inspired anyone – great. If I motivated anyone – great. Just know that this was not my intent but I am glad if it has help anyone. In short, my post was my coming out party (and No Grit and Mach…I’m not gay LOL – sorry guys I had too).

Now that I have explained my post, I want to touch on a few points that I have seen on these boards lately and a few point about me and my wife.

I have noticed an interesting pattern on the board recently. One that I was at first; reluctant to comment on; however being the new me felt I had to. The pattern that I see… is that many of us seem to be moving thru this “process” pretty quickly. I am honestly not trying to criticize anyone – I really am not and if I have I apologize. I do know that each of us is different. Each of us “owns” their feeling their truth so maybe I am projecting a bit here. I do know. What I do know is that I care about all of you and wanted to throw this out to everyone…

In terms of “getting it”, “I know now it”, “I no longer feel the need to stand” and the most popular one “I now stand for me”. My questions to myself as well as all of you is this….

Have we truly grieved enough?

Have we really spent enough time in ourselves to come to this conclusion?

Are these feeling of being “free” just because we are feeling a little better?

Have we truly reflected on our roles in all of this and I mean truly? Let me say it the way I would normally say it..."have you really looked at your own sh*t"? How often do we say we were controlling, we made mistakes. In some case, mistakes were made FOR YEARS. Have we truly identified and changed these mistakes in a few months?

Have we truly grown enough? Have we really made the changes that we needed to make in ourselves so that we are health happy human beings that can move forward/on in life without the baggage of failed R’s around our neck?

Are we really and I mean really done?

Most of us come here and scream..”I want to save me M”, “I will do anything to save my M”, and “I love him/her so much I will wait”. Have we really done this?

I throw this out there to challenge each of us…to push us….so that ALL of US really can make the right choice for our particular sitch. I challenge myself!

The next topic that I would like to post about is a my R with my W. So why did I come to a place of no longer standing and what exactly does that mean for me?

A little background…

My W and I married very young (newbies - this is not an excuse to quit), we had children very early, we loved each other and had dreams and hopes for a wonderful future together or so I THOUGHT. Our M was filled with challenges, as are many. Our M was flawed from the beginning and I see that now. Our M in some cases was doomed from the beginning. A M doomed as a result of who we were at the time that we tied the knot. Now, I going to try and not speak for my W here BUT (sorry this is not an excuse) to her credit she saw this before I did. She realized how flawed this was and since she was the type to give of herself she totally lost herself in the M. She tried to hold on for the kids. I did not let go. I did not change and she did not change. Neither of us grew together.

As I have gone thru this process I have realized several things.

1 – Why did I want to marry my W to begin with? We’ll quite frankly I loved her and still do. What I now know is that neither of us spent enough time growing, and being true to who we really were.

2 – What happened then if you loved each other? Over the years, hurt was created and stored. Habits were formed (Hey newbies – these are the habits that we are trying to get you to CHANGE) – in some cases BAD Habits. Neither of us had the skills to deal and face the issues. We did what many others did – we ran. We hid from ourselves. We lost ourselves in the process of trying to keep ourselves and the family together. Then MLC hit – I can honestly say and have never posted this before but I think I was in my own crisis, when hers hit. So…you now had one person in a crisis several years ago (that would be pink tutu wearing me) and someone with little or no sense of self trying to cope with it. That was followed by her crisis, which quite frankly I think “woke me from mine” – well the rest is history. I found this site and began the process of doing what we all do…trying to save a M that I HAD A ROLE IN damaging.

3 – Why did you stop standing for you w? Honestly, I am not sure that I have or have not stopped. What I have decided to do is to go and live my life. To let her live her life. To hope and wish for the best for both of us and our kids. Is that no longer standing? I’m not sure. To me it means leaving open the door for any possibility that may present itself. I have finally understood that to love someone is to let them be who THEY are. To allow them the freedom (as Cat pointed out) to live the life that they want to live – not the life that I want them to live. Let me be very clear…I will always LOVE my WIFE – Always. Love her with no strings attached. Love her the way that she wants to be loved, which she defines outside of how I feel. So I leave the “title” of “am I standing” to everyone else. I know where I stand. I know where I am headed. Do you U?

4 – Will I get divorced and how do I feel? Personally, I believe that the D must happen. It must – it must for her and I. It is a cord that must be broken so that our healing can be complete. I have accepted this as my truth. My hope is that we may be able to rebuild some sort of friendship, one that allows us to effectively co parent our children. In terms of my feelings..we’ll that is a little more complicated. The D process by it’s nature is contentious. It is by design a process of war if you will. We have major issues regarding the custody of the children to try and resolve. In her MLC selfishness and fear she is going for everything that she can get. I do understand but do not agree. So in short, some days I am really pissed the f off and some days I realize that it is what it is. The one consist is this…I KNOW WHO I AM. As of yesterday we had a “moment” a moment that reminded me of the pain and devastation a D can cause. A moment that also reminded me that if not for this process…I would not have found myself. Newbies…remember with every negative is usually a positive. You may not see it now but you will see it at some point if YOU open your eyes. Finally, the financial aspect of the D is well [censored]*ty – I do have moments of anger at the thought of not being able to provide for myself – this I must leave in the hands of God but hey…I’m human.

5 – If she said she wanted to try – what would you do? I actually do not know. I know that I love her that I do. I also know that she no longer knows who I am nor I who she is. Who will she become? What will she think of me? All of this would need to be determined before I decide what I wanted to do for ME. I can say this…if she said tomorrow she wanted to try I would be inclined to say…”I don’t know…let’s just try to be friends for now”.

6 – Does DB’ing work? Yes it does. Why? DB’ing IMO is about fixing the issues that caused the break up of a M. Our role as the LBS, the stander, that whatever you want to call us is to FIX OURSELF. Additionally, DB’ing is the process of learning how to communicate, learning how to interact and accept that not everything is in our control. Finally, DB’ing teaches one to heal. Healing that we must all do.

In closing, I ask each of you to examine yourself, look deep in your heart and determine what YOU really WANT. Remember this…TIME is really a gift…. And I thank you for reading and following me along on this journey. What a fuc*ing ride!

With Love,
Eric