Continued from My sitch. I thought it was appropriate to stat a new thread from a new part of life.
I love you Coach....Sorry Greek..
Its long, grab a snickers. I want to tell everything in as much detail for others to learn. I know all I did was not the perfect, but I thought most was the right thing to do. All in all I know is I made progress and it appears to of worked. You can point out some things I should have done differently. I know it doesn’t change my sitch, but could help others.
I did call MIL before the speech, but could only get her voice mail. I know it wasn’t the best way to break the news, but I gave it to her anyways. Thanks Puppy for the words of wisdom! (I'll go more into this later.)
I also stopped by L before and paid as much for a retainer as I could. He was still on vacation but his partner was there. He gave me some quick advise, as I told him what my plans were. He said there was no restraining order stating I could not take the house back, but advised against it, as if the law were contacted I would still look bad and if the bomb went bad, this involvement of the law could be used against me at hearing time. So taking back the house is not an option. Plus when does a L help you save your M and not charge you for it.
I was extremely nervous talking to my wife. I kept my calm, I held my emotion as much as I could, and followed the speech close to a tee. Though, I almost managed to f' it up.
I gave my wife speech. She did give the "there is no OM and we are just friends". In turn I told her, I knew about the text, the phone calls, the provocative pictures and the meet in Arkansas, you’re not fooling anyone. ( I did not give out how I found out..as of now she thinks I have read all the actual text/email from her phone...)
What surprised me is that she didn't fly off the handle as I thought she would. I could see some of it, but she mostly broke down, when I explained that I knew. She admitted that she sent the photo, though she states its not indecent. She is topless grasping her breast and smiling, which is what I stated. She then said it was not an affair as nothing happened. I told her don't fool me. You talked and text heavily to another man, sent basically a nude picture and met up with him. She stated that she did eat breakfast with him and talked, but that was it. She said she changed her mind and told him she wanted to make the marriage work and was sorry. She said she did have a date that night, but cancelled. This is why she came home early. They supposedly never got physical.
This is where I almost messed it up.I still wasn't angry, but I told her "I didn't trust her and that I do not know if that was the truth, you did cheat on me. Something I have never thought or or never would do. I had never had the smallest urge to even talk to another woman. I am jealous of you, just as any husband would be with his wife. Please do not lie to me, did you do it?" Again she said "no" and was getting angry now. I told her if this is the truth, then I will believe you.
I know, I know.... But this hurt so much, I know regardless if this is the truth or not, I was going to hear "NO" from her.
She started to talk about how much she missed the talking to me, the love , the affection. I was not their for her. I said I knew, but did not force you to see OM, that was your choice. Here I messed up again and got anxious. I told her that you cannot talk to this guy again. (No boundary, just control, I know) She said she hasn't talk to him since she came back...which is true from the ATT logs. But I said this includes FB and the chats and the text. She said OK. Again I know I was going to get that answer regardless if it's the truth.
She started to go into her feelings more, which I validated every one. At this point I tried to maintain composure, but started to cry. Sorry I do have feelings and emotions too. I know I probably should of left at this point, but it look like we opened up to each other.
I told her that I know what I have done. Granted my month of torture has not been anything of what I have done to her, but I see the hurt I caused. You (wife) say its 10 years...I say its nothing compared to me dedicating everything to loving you and the kids for the remaining of our lives. Given all that has happened, this is the worse part of marriage. It will get better. I am glad we are her, though I an not happy how it came about. This part of me "waking up" is the easy part, the husband and father I need to continue to be, will be the hard part for me. This is what I cannot fail you on.
I know you ALL will hate me at this point.
I reached out and held her hands. I told her, I do not want this(D), I love you, I always have, I always will. My love became numb, but that has wore off. I would never let it become that again. I know..I said this before and broke promises. I know there is no trust, it will have to be earned. She sat closer to me. We stared into each other’s eyes. If you ever watched Mrs. Congeniality, you get this. She said "I know you love me, you want to kiss me."I I said yes I do and before I knew it she came to me. We kissed. Then she turned on like when we first met each other. I know, I should of stopped but to me this is what she needed...what we needed. Passion, romance, desire, intimaticy. We made out like when we first met, two 20 year old in love. She stayed all over me, striped my down, and we made love. It was magical.
Enough for now...I'll make another post when MIL called
Thanks you SO MUCH Coach and Puppy and all who have helped so far. It means alot to me when someone you have never meet, gives you advise to help save something so special. Word and my actions cannot express how much I owe you. Coach, since you're close enough I'll bring up some boudin when we get the beer.
Last edited by CPCajun; 07/09/1003:03 PM.
Me 31 Wife 34 (Step)D 15 /(Step)S 13 / D 6 Married 3/3/01 Separated 6/4/10 Bomb 6/14/10 Served 6/22/10 EA/PA Discovered 7/5/10 Now Back Together 8/1/10
Men take note of how atracted Mrs Cajun got when her man fought for her and called her out on the CB. It's flippin catnip just ready to be used.
Cheers!
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Me 31 Wife 34 (Step)D 15 /(Step)S 13 / D 6 Married 3/3/01 Separated 6/4/10 Bomb 6/14/10 Served 6/22/10 EA/PA Discovered 7/5/10 Now Back Together 8/1/10
Don't forget there's still a long road ahead and keep those changes alive. Dont backslide, brother. I've seen some folks on here for tyhe second time because they didnt keep the positive changes going.
Congrats!
Formerly SGfan M:38 W:33 M:8 yrs T:10 yrs Bomb: Dec '08 Separated: 4/18/09 Divorce: 8/28/09 XW Affair began: April 08
Men take note of how atracted Mrs Cajun got when her man fought for her and called her out on the CB. It's flippin catnip just ready to be used.
Cheers!
Or, she's just trying to "tag" him, and re-assert control, and get the relationship equilibrium and power back.
I dunno, Coach. There's a LOT there I don't like (altho I admire CP to no end for having the 'nad to do it!!). He revealed his intel with WAY too much specificity, allowing her to refute and spin it (rather than sticking to the suggested "I know all about you and so-and-so, and it needs to stop" script), and he was far too supplicating (apologizing to HER???).
I would have liked to have seen him hold out on the "melty man" thing until his wife agreed to no-contact, transparency, etc. Unless I missed it, she never did agree to ANY of that, or even ask "What do I need to do???"
Hey CP, I kinda agree with Puppy. When I was reading it, it sure sounded like W was never admitting to anything and then the "tagging" happened. Puppy always talks about how they will admit to one thing less than what it really was and it sure sounded like that to me.
I wish you the best but please be careful and don't let down your guard.
Me48 WAW46 M24 yrs S24 D21 D19 EA disc 6/09 2nd EA Fall 09 I move out 11/12/09 W and I switch 1/14/10 D Filed 3/17/10 W moves in with OM 6/8/10 D Final 6/21/10
I agree the transaparency plan needs to be put in place. She is agreeable to cutting off contact. Plus the tools to work on each sides issues needs to be addressed.
Keep leading your family Cajun, finish the job.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Don't forget there's still a long road ahead and keep those changes alive. Dont backslide, brother. I've seen some folks on here for tyhe second time because they didnt keep the positive changes going.
Congrats!
It is one of the things I express to W. I know it will be hard. We have gone thru similiar separations(or time outs), nothing like this or where D was iniated. Trust me, I havn't felt this good in a long time. I hate to say it, but I needed this in order to change from my habits.
Puppy,Ken
I may of said a bit much. I got cought up in the moment. As for the LM, no this was different than before. Before, I think she was actually "tagging". This one felt sincere.
W did say she would stop contact with OM. Will that hold out, I dunno. I didn't really set the transparacy or boundries. I will work on that next.
My wife is one who needs plenty of affection. I think if she gets that, like I used to, OM will be a fart in the wind. I'll get my wife, and all he got was a crummy picture.
Me 31 Wife 34 (Step)D 15 /(Step)S 13 / D 6 Married 3/3/01 Separated 6/4/10 Bomb 6/14/10 Served 6/22/10 EA/PA Discovered 7/5/10 Now Back Together 8/1/10
It's just that I've RARELY (ever??) seen no-contact & transparency put into place incrementally, or even later. It's best done at the moment of maximum remorse and awareness for the cheating spouse, and it's best for the betrayed spouse to stay COOL and take things VERRRY SLOWWWLY until those imperative pieces are in place.
I would be shocked if your wife WEREN'T shocked when you now try to implement no-contact/transparency. In her mind, I'm betting that those things are "settled" now.
I could be wrong; there are always exceptions. But I just think you should circle back TODAY, with a loving, "Hey, before things get too far out of hand, I think it's important to ...." conversation with her.
