Well here's mine

[robx]

a spouse who is so quick to file for separation and divorce and have you move out of the home doesn't have "positive feelings towards your marriage" as the primary motivator here, I think someone else is involved, I obviously don't have proof and you have haven't been able to find any yourself so it's just an opinion at this point.

Don't leave the home, stand up to her, be strong, confident, cool, calm, collected, don't get dragged into a screaming match, let her argue but let her know plain & clear that you intend to live in your home and that if she really is unhappy with the marriage, filing for separation and you moving out isn't going to make her want the marriage anymore, quite the opposite in fact. She is free to leave and find another place to live, possibly with family and if she needs help, you will help her pack her stuff and move to her new place. You respect her decision to leave the marriage and file for separation but she has to respect the fact that this is your home too and you don't have to leave just because she doesn't want you there. You wished things worked out differently between the two of you but they didn't so you will stop trying to win her back, she is free to do whatever she wants with her life and you will be free to do the same.

Say that, literally.

And that's it, walk away.

If she argues with you, starts screaming, yelling, cursing, saying bad things, you interrupt her and tell her:

"STOP! I HAVE DECIDED that I won't discuss anything with you until you are calm and respectful towards me, I'm done talking right now, when you're ready to be an adult and discuss things rationally, you know where you can find me."

And then walk away, go to another room in the house, and let her be and tell her to NOT follow you, you need a break from her and don't feel like talking right now anymore.

[robx]

DO NOT GET DRAWN INTO ANY ARGUMENTS,
LESS IS MORE when it comes to these things.

The more you fight, the more you show how you are attached to the situation, the less effort you put into it, the more it shows how detached you are.

LESS IS MORE!!!

I hope you listen to that part, it makes a difference.

[DumpedforMIL]

She then had the balls to say "so you're done, you're not willing to work on this". "You can't treat someone like [censored] for 10 years" and expect them to just forgive you overnight".

this part of your post stood out to me.
why do i think that was a missed opportunity?

I said, I am still willing to try, what have I been doing for the last 5 months?

i think you should have just said that you were still willing to try and just end it there.

that's just me though.

[Barkley]

I asked her when she wants to talk to the kids about this. Her response was "I don't know, I don't know what we are doing yet"?

[robx]

Tell her that you BOTH need to talk to the kids together about this, before she files for separation, it's the fair and honest thing to do with them, they're children, they didn't decide to be born and didn't get a choice in whether or not they were born to parents in a rocky relationship. Regardless of what happens between the two of you, you owe the children your honesty and you guys should maintain civil relations first and deal with your crap afterwards.

After you talk to the kids about the separation, then she is free to file for separation and move out and do whatever she needs to do.

[Barkley]

That's what I was planning if it comes to that. I am actually very calm right now. I think my emotions have been spent over the last 5 months

[robx]

I would recommend taking a short drive to a few streets over and screaming as loud as you can at the top of your lungs and letting go of all this pent up frustration and anxiety because it's there waiting to come out, you said so in a few earlier posts, you were shaking, you need to let that energy loose, it's going to come out, why not decide when and where, you can you know, you are allowed and you will feel better.

[Barkley]

Thanks Rob....I have been talking to friends and family

[idontunderstand]

Wise words from Rob.

This is overwhelming you right now. Understandably so. Remove yourself, as much as you can, from the situation. You kinda saw this coming, right? It's still a shock to actually have to face it.

Go for a walk, ride, whatever and collect yourself. Get back in control. Agree with her and take the fight out of her.

It ain't over yet, but it is time to calm down and regroup.

Love those kids and be strong for them. They need a strong, confident Dad who will show them what honor and dignity are all about.

I do feel for you. Don't get me wrong. It sucks. Bad.

Hang in there.

[A_goodman]

Barkley,

What to say. I have been "lurking" out here for a couple of weeks. I read all of your thread in one sitting. Scary how much we share in common. DanF too. I have been following him as well. I will eventually have time to put down my own story. I just wanted to chime in. Not to give any advice. God knows I don't have any. I just wanted to thank you for coming here and laying this on the line for others to learn from. I know that wasn't your intent, but it has helped me to know you guys are out there and that there's at least SOMEBODY who understands and is facing the same thing. So next time Coach tells you to go do something nice for somebody, you can check that one off.

I feel for you man. Take care of yourself and fight the good fight for your kids. Listen to the vets on this thing. They seem to really care and are trying to keep you up. It's a blessing just to read their encouragement.

Much love brother.